Craig Berube sent to unemployment box

Sorry Craig, apparently “Rowdy” Ron Hextall got tired of the nonsense you put the roster through for the past season. Zac Rinaldo playing in front of Lecavalier? REALLY? Vinny was fairly terrible this year, but he’ll give you more impact on the ice compared to Rinaldo. If you need someone to throw and elbow and get a 10 minute game misconduct in the first five minutes, Zac’s your guy.

It’s been fun, Craig. You had a hell of a run last year and the magic just didn’t translate over to this season. Nice to see the career years by Voracek, Mason and Giroux were wasted during their prime playing years.

Here are a few predictions for what happens to The Chief now:

– Immediately hired back by Ed Snider for a front office position under Hextall.

– Signed to play for the team next year, as Snider deems the roster too soft.

– Opens a barbershop and calls it, “Chief’s Tomahawk Shop: Where we gettem you a good deal for your wampum.”

– Waits outside of the WFC to fight Steve Mason.

The Coggin Toboggan Hall of Fame: A Tradition like no other

At the Coggin, we like to focus mainly on Philadelphia sports and national stories that catch our attention, but every now and again an athlete or a sports figure comes along that demands our respect.

This is why the Coggin has decided to form the Coggin Toboggan Hall of Fame, where we honor those that need to be honored, nay, those that MUST be honored.

So, we are proud to make the announcement of our first inductee into the Coggin Toboggan Hall of Fame. With this honor, this individual will receive all rites and privileges that come along with it, including but not limited too 25% off of all Coggin Toboggan merchandise* and three retweets from our official Twitter account of his or her choice.

Ladies and gentleman, the first member of the Coggin Toboggan Hall of Fame….

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Bill Belichick fully expects Aaron Hernandez to report for training camp

Fully expected to be available next season.

Boston, MASS – Despite former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez being found guilty of murder in the first degree this morning, head coach Bill Belichick said he expects the tight end to be accounted for this summer when the Patriots begin their 2015 training camp.

“Good, I’m glad that’s over with. Now that this trial nonsense is over with, I fully expect Aaron to be with us at training camp on time. Who wants to tell me different?” Belichick said, glowering as he spoke to Coggin reporters.

“He’s had two years of rest, it’s time for him to get back on the football field and do something that really matters. I’ll be happy when this distraction is over. He’s a young man that has made a mistake or two, but we won’t hold it against him.”

Hernandez, of course, was found guilty this morning by a jury of his peers for the murder of Odin Lloyd after an altercation at a nightclub. He faces an automatic sentence of life imprisonment with no parole.

Belichick said he was happy the ordeal was over with and New England could now refocus its thoughts on something of actual importance with real-world implications.

“We’re beginning our title defense in 2015-2016. We need his ability to stretch the field and give us a valuable two tight end set that no defense will be able to match. Sure he might have some rough edges, but I can’t imagine he won’t be with us next season. This is what really matters,” he said.

When told that Hernandez is also facing an upcoming trial for charges of double murder, Belichick said he would allow for it only if it didn’t interfere with mini camp training sessions.

Jon Marks: I can’t wait to work with Anthony Gargano and for him to be fired

Philadelphia, PA – Jon Marks of 97.5 the Fanatic commented this afternoon on the news that former 94.1 WIP host Anthony Gargano would be joining him in a new morning show leading into Mike Missanelli in the afternoons.

Marks said it would be an absolute pleasure to work with Gargano and for him to be unceremoniously fired after 6 months when rating improvements are not instantaneous.

“Working with the Cuz will be a great moment in my career, and I especially look forward to seeing him receiving his walking papers in just a few months,” Marks said, a smile on his face. “What a day that will be when the station manager marches us into his office, notices that we haven’t been able to improve ratings in a very short amount of time, and for him to blame everything on Gargano and send him packing.”

News broke this afternoon and social media was abuzz. Sports fan on Twitter and Facebook both expressed their desire to hear Gargano again, albeit it on another station, and were absolutely giddy in anticipation of when he would be let go of his contract.

“I missed the Cuz on the radio, it’s a far better town with him in it,” said Johnny Loubatz, an avid sports talk fan. “And I will absolutely shit my pants in a few months when he is no longer allowed on Fanatic premises.”

As of press time, Gargano was stockpiling cardboard boxes for when he has to clean out his desk.

Check out our new feature: A brand new viral video that we made!

This is a first for the Coggin. Our crack team of video editors has made our very first video that we are sure will go viral. They assure us that it will definitely be well received and our readers will absolutely love it.

We don’t want to spoil the surprise, but we will say that the video definitely is not about sports. It does, however, have a very catchy theme song that our video producers assure us will have our viewers tapping their toes and singing along throughout the entire 11 minute video.

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Teary eyed Nick Kayal, Sean Brace leave 97.5, vow to start own radio station

Philadelphia, PA – Misty eyed and holding back sobs, recently let go 97.5 FM radio hosts Nick Kayal and Sean Brace left the station vowing that they would “show them all” and would “create the best sports talk station this city has ever seen.”

Kayal and Brace, tears streaming down their faces, vowed they would make 97.5 FM regret its decision.

“We’ll show you…sniff….we will show you all! We’re smart, we were passed over!” Brace said, a hand around Kayal as they packed up their mediocre belongings. “We were passed over! We’ll show you, we’ll show all of you!”

roster-sean-brace As the two exited the company building, Brace reportedly keyed Mike Missanelli’s Toyota Tercel as he ran down the parking lot. Loud sobs were heard from the two as they got into their respective vehicles and vowed they would show the world they had been wronged.

“We’ll start our own station…give us a few years and we’ll be fine. I know my stuff, so does Sean, we’re going to get back on top, you know we will!” Kayal said, his eyes bloodshot from the nonstop crying.

As of press time, Brace had completed an application to Chik-Fil-A and Kayal was cleaning out the gutters of his neighbor’s home to earn $15.

Chip Kelly vs. Lesean McCoy, how a rumor is born (a play in 8 acts)

The Coggin has been flooded with reports today in regards to the alleged rumor of the dustup between head coach Chip Kelly and traded running back Lesean McCoy. The following is a reenactment between the two around week 12 of last season. Lets watch, shall we?

Damn coach, too many sprints today at practice, you’ve got to be shitting me.

Did you just say you want to be hitting me, Shady?!

Wait, what? No, no coach I said you’re got to be shitting me, shitting me. Not hitting. Man get off my back.

Smack? Did you just say get off my smack? You’re a big boy, Shady, you know what you said. Tell me what you fucking said.

…….

……..

…….

Ahhhhhhhh I’m just messing with you Shady! I had you for a second, I have to say, I think you’d fold under questioning ::turns to Howie Roseman:: I can’t wait to trade that piece of garbage to Buffalo.

The End

The Bongo Cam is the most recognizable part of the Phillies franchise

I can hear that beat right now….

Philadelphia, PA – For the third season in a row, Phillies fans rated the “Bongo Cam,” the in-game piece of entertainment, as the most recognizable and enjoyable part of the Phillies franchise.

“For the third year in a row, the Phillies fans have spoken. In our annual poll of our season ticket fans, The Bongo Cam was far and away the top performer. The fans not only named it the best fan experience in the stadium, but also said it was the most dependable member of the franchise and wished it could play right field,” an anonymous Phillies employee told The Coggin.

The festive video encourages fans to get out of their seats and play an imaginary pair of bongos on the Phillies big outfield screens. The video always brings a smile to the face of the guests as they watch their fellow fans play along with the lively music.

“Usually it’s by far the most entertaining part of any game they attend,” the employee said. “We began playing it every eighth inning last year to at least give the fans an excuse to stay that late.”

For the third year in a row, Jonathan Papelbon and Ruben Amaro Jr. finished at a tie in dead last in the poll.

Editor’s Note: What would Chief Brody do in a situation like this?

This is currently what I’m doing in Chicago while I’m here for my job.

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She’s not right Martin …. Yes she is. ::slam::

Fuck and yes. I couldn’t go an entire day without posting something to the Coggin, would Chief Brody approve? Of course he wouldn’t. Did he moan and pout when the little Kitner boy was attacked and killed in Amity when he should have closed the beaches? Of course he didn’t…he got shitfaced drunk and accompanied Matt Hooper out on his boat and found the wreckage of Ben Gardner’s sloop.

He wouldn’t whine about being on a work trip, he’d just spout something witty, maybe something like, “You’re going to need a bigger boat” and then get over it.

By far the best movie ever. If you’re going to be a fan of the Coggin and tell me you’ve never seen Jaws, I will immediately ban you from this blog.

SMILE YOU SON OF A BITCH … we’ll be back tomorrow.

Rumor: Eagles planning a blockbuster trade with St. Louis Rams

Young hotshot quarterback Nick Foles is apparently on the Eagles radar.

Philadelphia, PA – In an off season with a number of controversial moves and signings, rumor has it the Philadelphia Eagles are planning on trying to complete a blockbuster trade with the St. Louis Rams.

Sources are telling the Coggin that the Eagles are planning to trade Sam Bradford to the Cleveland Browns for their first round pick, and then package their first round pick and ship both to the St. Louis Rams for quarterback Nick Foles.

“Word has it that Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly loves the kid….he’d do anything to get Foles. I’ve never seen him higher on another quarterback,” An anonymous source told the Coggin.

Chip Kelly did not confirm or deny the reports, but he did give a wink to a reporter when asked the question.

It would be a stunning turn of events, as the Eagles would position themselves to acquire a potential franchise quarterback to build their organization around for years to come. It would come at a high cost, but if one is to believe Kelly’s game plan, a quarterback like Foles is someone you can’t undervalue.

As of press time, Kelly was also make inquiries to the Buffalo Bills as to the availability of young running back Lesean McCoy. He was rumored to have offered the Eagles 2016 first round pick and inside linebacker Kiko Alonso.