Sorry baseball, that’s it for the year. (Photo credit: http://www.underconsideration.com)
Cincinnati, Ohio – Mere moments after the American League defeated the National League in last night’s All-Star Game, new MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred continued to shake up the game when he declared the members of the American League squad as “World Series Champions.” (more…)
Todd Frazier, mere moments before he was stripped of his title belt (Photo Credit: USA Today)
Cincinnati, Ohio – In a shocking announcement this morning, first year Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred announced All-Star third basemen Todd Frazier of the Cincinnati Reds would be suspended for the remaining 86 games of the season.
Frazier was reportedly suspended for his part in the home run derby scandal, Manfred said. After checking his Twitter feed and re-watching the derby this morning, the new MLB commissioner noticed Frazier’s pitcher released several pitches before his previous hits landed on the ground, a clear violation of derby rules.
RIP
Philadelphia, PA – Not wanting to see the beloved Joel Embiid in pain any longer, Sam Hinkie learned how cruel the world could be and what it means to be a grown up.
“You know it’s the right thing to do Sam. If you love him, you won’t let him suffer any longer,” 76ers Managing Owner Josh Harris told the crying Hinkie, as he handed him a loaded double-barreled Remington shotgun.
Philadelphia, PA – A recent trend of professional NFL athletes injuring themselves with fireworks continued in Philadelphia over the Fourth of July.
Breaking news came to light this morning from a Jefferson Hospital employee who accidentally tweeted the hospital chart of Sam Bradford, who has been interred at the local hospital since Saturday.
Josh Innes reminding himself he no longer has to wear pants into the office. (Photo credit: Philly.com)
Philadelphia, PA – Following the decision yesterday of co-host Tony Bruno stepping down from the 94 WIP afternoon drive show he had worked on for several months, remaining host Josh Innes expressed his regret that the venerable and experienced Bruno had decided to retire from the sports talk radio format.
However, Innes did see one positive in the situation, as he ceremoniously unbuttoned his strained jeans and threw them into the garbage the second he was in the WIP studio.
One day after Ruben Amaro Jr. declared Chase Utley was no longer the starting second baseman for the Phillies going forward, our Coggin Toboggan reporters picked up snippets of a private conversation held between the two men. Utley and Amaro discussed the second baseman’s future and exchanged thoughts on where the organization would go with him in the future.
He’s real tired of the Phillies shit.
Philadelphia, PA – Vin Scully, a legend in broadcasting, eloquently ripped the Phillies play into shreds last night, almost as if he was offended the worst team in baseball had dared desecrate the game he has devoted over six decades of his life.
“It’s time for Dodger baseball! Hi, everybody, and a very pleasant good evening to you, wherever you may be. Tonight our beloved Dodgers will take on the Philadelphia Phillies, an affront to everything we love about this grand old game, in first of a four game series,” Scully said to open the game.
A very happy Carli Lloyd, who will spend the next three years installing carpets in strangers homes.
Canada – Following the U.S. Women’s victory at the 2015 FIFA World Cup, star forward and South Jersey native Carli Lloyd signed a 3 year, $15,000 endorsement deal with Empire Today, the national carpet and hardwood flooring company, making her the richest female soccer player of all time.
“It’s an honor. 588-2300, Empire! Today!” Lloyd said, beaming after the victory against Japan.
Empire Today Chief Executive Officer Keith Weinberger said it was a “no brainer” to sign Lloyd to the deal.
“After her hat trick in the first half, I was on the phone with her agent at halftime hammering out the deal. She’ll make a few personal appearances, install a carpet or two, hammer down some linoleum floors and we’ll be all good. Of course, she’ll be doing so in her USA jersey and soccer cleats. It’s a pretty sweet deal,” he said.
Lloyd will spend the next three years installing carpet and hardwood flooring in strangers homes.
The endorsement deal pushed her past the previous soccer legend Mia Hamm, who signed a 3 year, $10,000 deal with Rent-A-Wreck after her 1999 World Cup victory.
As of press time, Lloyd reportedly asked out of the deal, claiming the Empire Today jingle had been stuck in her head for the past 24 hours.
Usually my Fourth of July’s are filled with patriotism and jingoistic anthems bellowed to the heavens at the top of my lungs. Up at the crack of dawn to recite the pledge of allegiance before drinking Budweiser until I’m drunk enough to successfully light fireworks, I (and my township’s local authorities) figured this year my talents would be better suited in another endeavor.
So I’ve decided to take a trip up to Coney Island tomorrow afternoon and take part in the greatest eating tradition in the world, the 4th of July Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest. Yes I know you need to qualify for the event, but I’ve taken some necessary steps, greased the correct palms, and shed tears in front of the correct people to claim a spot on the dais with some of the greatest competitive eaters in the world.
I’ll be eating under a red, white and blue mask, with my alias The Bobarian. The make will ultimately hinder how quickly I can eat since I do have to hold the mouth flaps open to successfully shovel the meat tubes into my gullet, but my patriotism trumps all else, so it will have to do.
Sure some of the other eaters do this full time and outweigh me by close to 200 pounds. Yes, maybe I don’t have an edge like Type II Diabetes to push me over the top to victory, but I more than make up for this with an incredibly high cholesterol level.
So wish me luck in the most patriotic event in the country tomorrow. After the competition, look for the sweating man wearing a red, white and blue mask riding the Cyclone for the rest of the day and spewing hot dog vomit on the irate crowd below. It should be a great day.
If you don’t see me on the coaster, please for the love of god check the local morgues and contact my wife. Tell her I’ve moved on from this horrific life under a deluge of pork byproducts and the good Ol’ U S of A.
Happy Fourth of July everyone!
Sacramento, CA – Speaking from a sprawling chalet just outside of Sacramento, Sam Hinkie told reporters Thursday morning the decision to “nudge” Sacramento Kings Vlade Divac, vice president of basketball and franchise operations, into a better state of mind paid off greatly with the 76ers acquisition of Nik Stauskas for next to nothing.
“I’m happy Mr. Divac finally came around to our way of thinking. It’s so much better when things work out for everything, isn’t it Mr. Aldemir?” Hinkie said, handing 76ers power forward Furkan Aldemir an empty cappuccino cup.
The Coggin Toboggan 