Hulk Hogan finally triumphs over celebrity status and remaining goodwill

hogan-legdropAfter a decades long battle with his stardom and collective goodwill, Terry Bollea, aka Hulk Hogan, finally defeated his celebrity this morning with a big boot to the face and several leg drops.

Hogan reportedly “Hulked up” this morning after a controversial video surfaced in the media, shaking his fists and puffing his cheeks as he drew strength from deep within himself.

Hogan whipped his remaining goodwill into the ropes and delivered his patented Big Boot maneuver to the face of his opponent.

Putting a hand to his ear, Hogan bounced off the ropes and leaped high into the air, crashing down on what little of his celebrity remained.

Hogan pinned it for the 1, 2, 3 and the victory.

“This just shows and you can do when the Hulkster runs wild on the Jews! Say your prayers, eat your vitamins, and don’t marry any black men!” Hogan screamed into Mean Gene’s microphone after the match

Hogan celebrated with the remaining white members of the audience.

WWE broke all ties with Hogan after the match.

In which we try to get invited to Lesean McCoy’s apparent sex party

mccoyLesean McCoy made headlines yesterday when an invitation for his around the clock sex party hit the internet. The former Eagles running back clearly made it known he would only approve women over the age of 21 to the party and no males.

We decided to see if we could get an exclusive invitation to his female only sex romp and created a fictional “woman” who would try to gain access. Thus, SallyBoneZone69 was born.

McCoy obviously runs a tight sex party ship, so after we sent an initial RSVP request we received an automated form asking “Sally” to send over a picture to confirm her gender. We replied with a picture, and immediately received a request for a G-Chat session from the screen name “LMcCoy25BB,” which was obviously McCoy. We accepted, and the following is our conversation with McCoy.

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Chase Utley gearing up for one last depressing run

Chase-Utley-PhilliesPhiladelphia, PA – Yesterday, early visitors to Citizen’s Bank Park were not alone, as Chase Utley’s bat cracked through the stadium as he took part in an extra batting session several hours before the Phillies afternoon game was scheduled to begin.

It’s a testament to Utley’s spirit, who is working hard to ensure he gets healthy just in time to completely tarnish his legacy in the final stretch of the season.

“That’s the plan. Hopefully I’ll make some minor league rehab appearances next week and be back with the club in two weeks. From then on, I plan to languish away on the bench behind the more effective younger second baseman, making fans depressed at how my career is ending,” Utley said. “It should be great.”

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Aaron Nola dazzles fans with 6 strong innings, immediately demoted to AAA after game
Dead man walking (Photo credit: Emily Paine / The Morning Call)

Dead man walking (Photo credit: Emily Paine / The Morning Call)

Philadelphia, PA – Giving Philadelphia fans something to be excited about for the first time since 2011, Aaron Nola made his major league debut Tuesday night against the Tampa Bay Rays, pitching six-strong innings and only allowing one run.

Nola exited the game with the Phillies losing 0-1, but he had certainly done his job, only allowing one earned run on five hits.

Ruben Amaro congratulated Nola on his debut, sitting next to the beaming rookie in a post game press conference.

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What’s the deal with Joel Embiid and Harper Lee?!

Seinfeld-Cast-Jerry-Seinfeld-16x9-1Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice. 

What’s the deal with Joel Embiid and his gimpy foot? One day you’re riding a Phunkee Duck through the city of Philadelphia, and the next day you’re sitting out for the rest of the year because you rebroke your foot! He’s broken his foot more times than Wayne Knight has had to refill his diabetes medication! I hated anyone who had a pony!

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REPORT: Joel Embiid getting fitted for peg leg

JoelPhiladelphia, PA – Reports coming out of the 76ers front office this morning are showing Joel Embiid suffered another injury to his oft-injured right foot.

While the medical information is differing, there were numerous reports this morning Embiid’s leg had been amputated beneath the knee sometime in the past month and was being fitted for a peg leg this afternoon.

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Phillies release Cole Hamels into the wild
He's free now, free and happy.

He’s free now, free and happy.

Philadelphia, PA – Unable to finally make a trade to send Phillies ace Cole Hamels to another team, Ruben Amaro made the heartbreaking decision to release the veteran pitcher into the wild and allow him to be free and happy.

Amaro drove Hamels to Fairmount Park after his second straight poor start on Sunday afternoon and opened the door to his Toyota Tercel, telling Hamels to leave and never come back.

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Phillies minor-league pitcher Aaron Nola receives devastating news
Dead man walking (Photo credit: Emily Paine / The Morning Call)

Dead man walking (Photo credit: Emily Paine / The Morning Call)

Philadelphia, PA – Aaron Nola, the highest rated minor-league pitcher in the Phillies farm system, had the meeting every minor league player dreads this morning.

The Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs pitcher reportedly came out of a meeting with manager Dave Brundage in tears, punching his fist into a nearby locker before sitting on a stool with his head in his hands for close to 20 minutes straight.

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Josh Innes takes week off to train in secluded cabin in the Poconos

hqdefaultPhiladelphia, PA – Citing a need to become stronger and getting back to his roots, Josh Innes revealed today he spent his previous week off the radio secluded in a desolate cabin deep in the Pocono mountains.

Innes needed to get away after his longtime friend and co-host Tony Bruno was killed in the ring (retired) last week after decades on air.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. dominates this year’s “Shitties” ceremony

rubenSouth Los Angeles, Calif. – Perhaps validating one of the most troubled years of his career as a front office representative for the Philadelphia Phillies, Ruben Amaro Jr. won six “Shittie” awards, a competing sports award show held on the same evening as the ESPN “Espy” awards.

The ceremony took place at a YMCA in South Los Angeles from 3 to 5 p.m. yesterday, with some of the most well known names in sports in attendance. Hosted by Bill Cosby, sports dignitaries such as Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson and Tiger Woods all received “Shitties” for their accomplishments this past year.

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