Christmas greatest hits Coggin Toboggan style

redcrab Well it’s Christmas. While most of you are opening presents around the tree and roasting chestnuts on an open fire, take a minute to think about those of us who may not have chestnuts and have taken to eating wet walnuts under a bridge in South Jersey somewhere.

Yes it’s Christmas, and that means I’m much too lazy to actually write something of substance. If you’re like me, right about now you’re arguing with family members about wrongs of Christmas past and you’re ready to throw ALL of the presents you’ve bought into a local reservoir to show them you really mean business.

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Hey pinheads, go vote for us at The Eagles Awards

special-trophy-meme_generator-370x278 We don’t ask for much, we really don’t. Day in and day out we give you award winning, HILARIOUS takes on Philadelphia sports and nonsense that makes this stinktown of a city so much fun to be around.

So you know what you can do for us before the year is out? No no, money isn’t necessary. Put away your wallets and open up your hearts to a miracle.

If you like us, if you really want to make us happy and have us stick around for another year and stop looking at the loaded gun on our desk lovingly, then go vote for us for the FIRST ANNUAL EAGLES AWARDS 2015.

Pick us for one of the categories and send in your votes. You need a Gmail account to cast a vote, so go sign up. Hell, sign up multiple accounts and stuff the ballot box, we’re certainly not above cheating.

In fact, I insist you cheat.

Here’s the link:

http://philadehliaeagles.com/eagles-twitter-awards/

Go vote for us. Remember, we’ve brought you such fabulous Eagles articles in the past year as these:

Reports from Eagles practice describe “Incredible Freakout” by Les Bowen.

Eagles Marcus Smith gaining confidence he can successfully qualify for unemployment benefits.

Sam Bradford wows during iron lung drills at Philadelphia Eagles OTAs.

A (late) Festivus airing of grievances

he05wkm “I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT IT.” – Frank Costanza.

How, oh how could we have forgotten the most fun part of Festivus, the Airing of Grievances? The popular holiday, created by Frank Costanza who was tired of the commercialism and religious aspects of Christmas, urges followers to let loved ones know all of the ways they have disappointed them in the past year.

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NFL ban on pre-game warmup accessories hurts Eagles morale

Bene Benwikere Philadelphia, PA – As a result of several Carolina Panthers menacingly wielding a bat toward New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. this past weekend, the NFL has banned all accessories and non-essential items during pre-game warmups.

The ban has negatively affected several member of the Eagles. Sam Bradford, for one, typically walked out onto the field during warmups using a pair of crutches.

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DeMarco Murray suspended 1 game for inactions detrimental to the team

A rare sight, DeMarco Murray with his helmet on and holding a football.

Philadelphia, PA – DeMarco Murray heard from the NFL front office Tuesday morning and learned he will receive a one game suspension for his horrendous inactions during Sunday night’s blowout loss against the Cardinals.

The league suspended Murray for his “egregious disregard to playing the game of football” and for multiple “deep shoulder shrugs” and “eye rolls” directed towards the heavens.

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Santa Claus Column: Alright, enough already

jonathan_g_meath_portrays_santa_claus At this time every year, when I should be making my list and checking it twice, my Twitter and Facebook accounts blow up for about three weeks leading up to the big day. And do you know what most of my mentions are? Do you know what most of the “clever” comments I receive are about?

You guessed it…it’s always about Philadelphia booing Santa Claus.

Even during the Sunday night Eagles/Cardinals game, my good friend Cris Collinsworth alluded to an incident that happened decades ago, even though I specifically asked him to not bring it up on air.

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The Coggin Toboggan living will

living-will What is up tobogganites? By the time you read this I’ll either be sitting in an outpatient surgery center or drooling on myself in a propofol induced slumber as some quack doctor shoves an endoscope down my esophagus.

Now before you fret, know that my doctor told me that his initial diagnosis for me was “Wahhhh your tum tum hurts” so I’m not too worried about what he’s going to find.

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Brett Brown declares “some asshole” will be next 76ers starting point guard

Not a happy camper.

Atlanta, Ga – Following loss at the hands of the Atlanta Hawks, Brett Brown gave a less than glowing response to a reporter when asked if he would stick with starting point guard Kendall Marshall for Friday night’s matchup against the New York Knicks.

Brown wasn’t quite ready to declare a permanent starter at the point guard position just yet.

“Is that really what you’re worried about right now? Who our team’s starting point guard is going to be against the Knicks? Let me tell you I have a lot more to be worried about than who is going to be running the ship for this team. You could put a monkey out there and he’d at least be able to throw some of his shit around the court and create a distraction to give us a chance in one of these fucking games,” Brown said.

“Some asshole will be starting out there at the point for us this Friday, I can assure you that,” he said.

The head coach, perhaps letting some of his frustration shine through his comments, continued.

“Who even started for us tonight? Kendall Marshall? I don’t even know who he is! Nobody in this city does. Nobody knows who any of these morons are, and I’m trying to win ballgames out here. Maybe Sam Hinkie can use one of his 8,000 second round picks to get me a player who doesn’t commit 500 turnovers a night and can average us double digits,” Brown said.

“Lord help me if I have to play that McConnell kid anymore. Every man has a breaking limit.”

At press time, Brown named TJ McConnell as Friday’s starting point guard as the 76ers traded remaining point guards Marshall and Tony Wroten for a pair of 2nd round picks.

It’s a wonderful life, Sam Hinkie

sam-hinkie A lone figure stands, weeping, on the edge of the Ben Franklin Bridge on a dark and cold December night in Philadelphia. He looks down into the dark abyss as the wind and snow whips his Gucci suit around his pasty body. Wiping away tears, Sam Hinkie, GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, loosened his grip on the bridge cables, ready to make one last final plunge into the Delaware River.

“What are you doing there friend?” A voice says from the sidewalk. Hinkie looks down and sees a kindly old man wearing a cotton winter coat and fedora, looking up at him with a strange smile on his face.

“I’m….not that it’s any of your business, but I’m going to end it all. This world doesn’t need me, this city doesn’t need me. The fans hate me, the NBA made the organization hire someone that is going to take away all my power, my process isn’t going to last…everyone….everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here! If I had never been in any of their lives,” Hinkie said, crying again.

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WWE Raw episode found more believable than possibility of Eagles Super Bowl win

The fireflies out in full effect.

Philadelphia, PA – The latest episode of WWE’s popular Monday Night Raw was found to be more realistic than the possibility of an Eagles Super Bowl victory by Phillip Thompson, 6, of Cherry Hill.

Thompson, who expressed legitimate anxiety that Roman Reigns would really be fired from the company if he did not defeat Sheamus in the night’s championship match, warned his father to temper expectations of the Eagles making a run in the playoffs, or even making the playoffs at the end of the year.

“I just don’t see it happening, really, they had a nice couple of games but I really think they don’t have much of a chance. Don’t be foolish, ” he warned his dad. “Wow, I hope Bubba Ray Dudley is okay, he went right through that table! I bet he broke his back and is going to be out for a long, long time. I wonder how he’s going to be back next week?”

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