The newest Supreme Court Justice.
Washington, DC – Despite saying he would take his time to appoint a replacement for recently deceased Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, President Barack Obama announced today that the Philadelphia Phanatic would be appointed to the highest court in the country.
It comes as a surprise to many political pundits who noted Obama would likely wait a month or two to select a candidate for the position.
Philadelphia, PA – For the third Valentine’s Day in a row, 76ers center Nerlens Noel turned down Valentine’s Day plans with his teammates to take out his “smoking hot girlfriend from Quebec” for a romantic night out.
Noel said he and “Suzie” had dinner reservations at Fork in Old City for 7 p.m. and then would likely retire to his Philadelphia apartment for a “serious make-out sesh.”
Moments before RJ Umberger skated towards thin ice at the Wells Fargo Center.
Philadelphia, PA – The bad luck streak continued for snake bitten Flyers forward RJ Umberger last night, even after he scored his first goal of the season and his first goal in more than a year.
Umberger, perhaps distracted by his celebration, did not heed warnings from his teammates and skated perilously close to a notorious section of weak ice at the Wells Fargo Center.
Philadelphia, PA – After blowing a late fourth quarter loss to the Sacramento Kings, several members of the 76ers looked longingly towards the Kings bench and wondered what it would be like to be part of a stable franchise.
The Kings are currently nine games under .500.
“Look at them. One star center, a few complimentary pieces, it must be nice to play in Sacramento day in and day out,” Jahlil Okafor said of the Kings, who for the past month have publicly leaked reports about firing despised veteran head George Karl and have players openly rebel against the franchise.
Now we’re in the big time.
So we’re about a year and change into the Coggin Toboggan and I have to admit that I figured by now I would be living the high life. Fame, fortune, women….oh my goodness the women, nothing turns a woman on more than a man who runs a successful blog.
But here we are and nothing has changed. Sure I live in a lovely home, have a great wife and a kid on the way, but somethings missing.
McCoy reportedly enjoys a Louis Roederer to a G.H. Mumm.
Philadelphia, PA – Reports flooding into the Coggin this morning are pointing to an argument over purchased champagne between McCoy and two off-duty officers at the nightclub Recess in South Philadelphia that started a massive brawl between the two groups, which may see charges pressed against the Buffalo Bills running back.
According to eyewitness reports, McCoy and the officers argued over the purchased champagne at the nightclub when the former Eagles running back mocked the officers for their choice of “brutish” champagne glasses they selected to enjoy their Dom Perignon.
Classy exit from this world.
San Francisco, Ca – Saying it was about time he “hit that old, dusty trail,” Peyton Manning cleaned out his locker, said goodbyes to his teammates, and rode a hearse off into the San Francisco sunset.
The 39-year-old quarterback has hinted to several close friends that this Super Bowl may be his last game, but few figured Manning would make the important decision moments after winning Super Bowl 50.
All that remains of the Wells Fargo Center.
Philadelphia, Pa – The Wingette Riot of 2016 has ended following orders from new Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney to implode the Wells Fargo Center, sealing the violent Wingettes in a tomb of rubble and chicken wings for all eternity.
The implosion commenced after a Philadelphia SWAT team determined the scene was too violent and dangerous to enter. All Wing Bowl attendees were evacuated before the Wells Fargo Center was demolished.
Scene inside Wing Bowl 24 as the Wingettes continue their cocaine riot.
Philadelphia, PA – Tragedy has struck Wing Bowl 24, as the Wingettes in attendance at the annual Philadelphia eating event have violently revolted against the show and are participating in an all out riot due to the lack of cocaine available, according to a Coggin Toboggan source.
The Wingettes reportedly fashioned crude molotov cocktails out of PJ Whelihan’s wing sauce and have been lobbing them into the crowd and the stage of competitive eaters, badly burning thousands in attendance and likely killing hundreds.
Several Wingettes earlier this morning when cocaine supplies were still ample.
Philadelphia, PA – Details are slim at this point in time, but a Coggin Toboggan reporter on the scene of Wing Bowl 24 has relayed to our offices that the cocaine deposits doled out to Wingettes through the annual eating event have all but been depleted and the event still has several hours until completion.
Wing Bowl Wingettes, scantily clad young women from various strip clubs and fatherless homes throughout Philadelphia, have been used as cheerleaders for the competition and as eye-candy during each competitor’s grand entrance into the Wells Fargo Arena.
The young ladies have traditionally been willing to participate in the degrading performance as long as plenty of booger sugar has been available to numb feelings and cloud the senses.
Several hundred eight-balls are typically needed to give Wingettes the strength to tolerate thousands of drunken South Philadelphia louts screaming at them to show the crowd their tits.
“It’s a madhouse down here. These young ladies are jittery as hell and coming down fast. Eyes are becoming less cloudy and tensions are high. Things are going to get ugly,” our source has told us.
We’ll update readers as more information comes in.
The Coggin Toboggan 