BREAKING NEWS

God checks in, sets the record straight on Seahawks victory

The Afterlife – Following an after game interview that saw Seattle Seahawks’ Quarterback Russell Wilson break down and thank God for leading him to victory, a livid God checked in with the CT through a series of emails and denied he had anything to do with the Seahawks victory.

“Do you really think I would have let a Patriots/Seahawks Super Bowl? Really?” The lord and savior said in an email. “I thought I made it quite clear to Russell when he threw four interceptions on the day that I in no way wanted him to succeed. You suck Wilson.”

God stressed he would not have thrown his holy weight behind the Seahawks if he wanted to endear himself more to the people of earth.

Continuing a horrid NFL weekend, God also confirmed that he lost a “shitload” of money on the Colts after the 45-7 drubbing against the Patriots.

“Chuck Pagano survives cancer and he goes out like this? I had nothing to do with that one, people, let me make that clear,” he said. “Sounds like that was right up Buddha’s alley. You know him and his ‘if people expect only happiness in life, they will be disappointed’ teachings. He’s a cool guy, don’t get me wrong I like him a lot, but teach your people a lesson when the Jehovah doesn’t have some sweet action on the game, come on man.”

God confirmed that he would not be in attendance at the Super Bowl and if New England wins another championship, the world would be thrown into 500 days of complete darkness.

BREAKING NEWS: Penn State victories restored, Joe Paterno still dead

Happy Valley, PA – Earlier this week, the NCAA declared all 112 Penn State football victories would be restored following the wins being thrown out amid the Jerry Sandusky scandal. With the wins being restored to the record books, longtime PSU head coach Joe Paterno is again the winningest college football head coach of all time.

When reached for comment in an ethereal plane not of this world, Paterno confirmed he was still dead.

“Oh, all of my victories were restored? Hey, that’s just great,” a whispy visage of Paterno muttered. “You guys know I’m dead, right? Been dead for two years now, don’t think that’s going to change.”

As part of the deal, Penn State has agreed to commit $60 million to programs to prevent child sexual abuse. There have also been discussions to bring the legendary Joe Paterno statue back to the school’s campus, where it was removed after officials determined Paterno didn’t do enough to prevent the heinous activities by assistant coach Jerry Sandusky.

“Just super. I’m dead. My last memories were of you vultures around my home, yelling questions at my scared wife and tarnishing my legacy. But hey, those 112 wins that I was present for are going to count. Fucking great,” Paterno said, shaking the legions of chains around his hunched shoulders at the huddled reporters.

“Oh, but it’s all good now. My statue is going back up, so students can make jokes about my finger up in the air. Thanks a bunch, fellas,” he muttered, as he slowly trudged back into the netherworld.

“I can’t wait to haunt the shit out of you losers.”

BREAKING NEWS: Insufferable prick, 9-11 Truther lead teams to the Super Bowl

Philadelphia PA – Football fans across the country watched on in horror as Bill Belichick, an asshole of immense proportions and well known prick, and Pete Carroll, a 9-11 truther and all around hunk of shit, respectively led the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots to an appearance against each other at Super Bowl XLIX.

Insufferable prick Bill Belichick, who is no doubt receiving stolen information to win another crucial game to the disgust of millions.

NFL fans could only watch and suffer through both games, as the Packers squandered away a last minute lead to lose in overtime and the Patriots dominated the Colts for four quarters.

“Hey look, it’s not like the Packers are that great and I don’t know a ton about (head coach) Mike McCarthy, but I do know one thing…they’re not the fucking Seattle Seahawks,” said Patrick Mooney, a Cleveland arc-welder who dourly sat through both games. “And Bill Belichick, god I’d love to kick the teeth out of his head. Fuck, what the hell am I going to do for the Super Bowl? This sucks.”

Belichick, hands stuffed in his ratty Patriots hoodie for 99% of the game, scowled his way through a New England blowout of the Indianapolis Colts and sullenly tromped around the Patriots sidelines, never once looking like he was enjoying himself or showing one ounce of emotion. Millions of football fans throughout the country smashed remotes against household walls, declaring him a “cunt of epic proportions” and in all likelihood a “no good piece of shit cheater,” no doubt referencing the 2007 Spygate controversy.

Noted piece of shit Pete Caroll, probably thinking about how the U.S. government engineered 9-11.

Carroll was not better received across America, as he mugged and celebrated for cameras after Russell Wilson threw a game winning touchdown to Jermaine Kearse in overtime of the NFC championship.

“He probably celebrated by watching Loose Change for the millionth time, god what a jackass,” said Tom Schwartz, an engineer from New York City, referencing the now debunked 9-11 truther documentary. “He thought 9-11 was an inside job and coaches one of the most hated teams in this country. God, I hope the 12^th man stomps his head in one day when they suck again.”

Collective heads were held in hands across the country as the dim realization of two of the most hated teams in the league would be appearing in the final football game of the year.

“Who do I want to win? I think we’d all win if a 747 crashed into the Phoenix stadium and took out all of those losers,” said Chris Johnson, who threw a bottle of Wild Turkey against his wall and staggered outside of his home, where he promptly passed out on his front lawn.

However, as of press time, it was noted that moods throughout the country lifted slightly as fans realized that at least the Dallas Cowboys would not be in the Super Bowl.

BREAKING NEWS: Charlie Manuel declares entry into WWE Royal Rumble

Charlie Manuel, all fired up for his return to the squared circle at the 2015 Royal Rumble.

Philadelphia, PA – During a hastily called press release, former Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manuel declared he would be an official entrant into the 2015 WWE Royal Rumble, scheduled to be held at the Wells Fargo Center on Sunday, Jan. 25.

The annual event features 30 WWE wrestlers competing in an “over the top rope” competition to determine the number 1 contender for the WWE Championship, currently being held by Brock Lesnar.

Manuel, a lifelong wrestling fan, declared the event as a real “hoot” and vowed to knock some skulls during his time in the squared circle.

“My good friend Ric Flair always told me, ‘To be the man, you have to beat the man,’ and I always took that to heart,” Manuel said while he lacing up his red and blue boots.

The feisty manager hopped into a nearby ring and began squaring off with local wrestler Necro Butcher, a member of the Philadelphia wrestling promotion CZW, which was featured in the popular 2008 movie “The Wrestler.”

“Don’t you go using any of that shit extreme wrestling on me, this is a gentleman’s sport,” Manuel said, seconds before throwing salt into the grizzled wrestlers eyes and dispatching him with a picture-perfect knife-edge chop to the delighted “WOOOOOOOSSSS!” of the reporters on hand.

“Old Bob Backlund taught me this one…watch out now son!” Manuel said, ducking a chair shot from the Butcher and slapping him in Backlund’s patented cross-faced chicken wing submission maneuver.

The Necro Butcher, moments before being taught a thing or two by Good Ol’ Cholly.

Manuel then grabbed a kendo stick – otherwise known as a Singapore Cane popularized by former ECW great The Sandman – from ringside and cracked the bamboo rod over Necro Butcher’s skull, easily putting him down for the three-count pin.

“That’s how you do it, you sum’bitch. Never let your guard down against old Cholly. I’m the dirtiest player in the game,” Manuel said, standing above the unconscious wrestler. He exited the ring, but not before sending a stream of tobacco juice into Necro Butcher’s face.

Manuel then pointed at a Wrestlemania 31, indicating his desire to be in the biggest wrestling event of the year.

This will not be the first appearance of a Philadelphia Phillies representative in the annual wrestling competition. Former Phillies GM Ed Wade was entrant number 15 in the 1998 Royal Rumble, wrestling in his decades old high school singlet. He was dispatched by Cactus Jack 30 seconds into his entry, receiving a steel chair shot to the dome and tumbling out of the ring.

BREAKING NEWS: Ruben Amaro Jr. announces Phillies will embrace new technologies

Mandatory Myspace pages for players, employees, according to the Phillies GM.

Philadelphia, PA – Ruben Amaro Jr. revealed earlier today the organization will begin to embrace new, advanced statistics, scouting techniques and analytics by signing each and every one of its players and organizational employees on to MySpace before the starts of the 2015 season.

Amaro touted the “new technology” as being easy to use, cost effective and fun.

“I firmly believe this will give us a leg up as an organization and help us cast aside the notion that we’re antiquated and stodgy,” Amaro said. “I personally hired an outside IT firm to set up accounts for each player and employee, and we will be requiring daily, mandatory posts on each account and at least one favorite song posted to each wall.”

When asked how much he paid the firm for the set up, Amaro said it was in the “neighborhood of about $5 million. It’s a one-time only installation fee, coupled with an annual maintenance contract of just $750,000.”

Amaro asked reporters to crowd around his Imac as he logged onto his new account, giving them a preview of the future of the Philadelphia Phillies.

Amaro’s homepage was decorated with a number of Phillies emblems, a picture of the 2008 World Series trophy, and a photograph of his pet cat, Marmalade. A midi version of “Camptown Races” automatically began to play upon his logging in.

“Can you imagine how much time this will save our scouts? Why go out to a game, when prospects can just send us highlights online?” he said.

The only post on Amaro’s wall not written by the GM himself was from Phillies radio announcer Larry Andersen.

“Hey Rube, I heard the Red Sox want you to come up to Fenway tonight to discuss a trade for Howard. They told me they’ll give you three butts and a fart to be named later. LOLOLOLO you suck fruit!” the message simply read.

As of press time, Amaro had only two confirmed friends, and was awaiting responses on 6,743 users.

BREAKING NEWS: Andy Reid cost city restaurants thousands in health code violations

Philadelphia, PA – Andy Reid, former Philadelphia Eagles head coach, has been found responsible for committing thousands of health code violations in restaurants throughout the city.

The CT was made aware of this staggering development when, earlier this week, the Philadelphia Inquirer launched the “Clean Plates” initiative, a comprehensive database of Philadelphia-area restaurant health inspections designed to educate city diners about the cleanliness of the establishments they visit.

When combing through the reports, the CT stumbled across several interesting health violation codes hidden among the more common violations.

For example, several South Philadelphia area restaurants, namely those around Lincoln Financial Field, were found to be in violation of “Code [46.111(a) ]: Allowing Coach Reid free reign of the walk in freezer without proper supervision,” and “Code [52.258(C) ]: “Failure to properly secure Coach Reid’s feed bag with high tensile straps, resulting in debris and spittle spraying throughout the dining area.”

These were among hundreds of violation codes designed with Reid in mind that could be found throughout the health inspection reports.

Wishing to remain anonymous, a local owner of an Italian eatery near the stadiums said Reid was a fixture at his dining establishment, costing him thousands of dollars in fines.

“Nights after losses were the worst. Coach would come in mumbling about how we needed to put him in a better position in the restaurant so he could succeed in consuming as much pasta as humanly possible,” the owner said. “Once, one of our waitresses slipped and fell on a half-eaten pork chop that had fallen out of Coach Reid’s mustache. We don’t serve pork chops. I have no idea where it came from.”

Disaster struck for the restaurant the night Reid was fired from his position as head coach. He arrived at the restaurant around 6 p.m. and didn’t leave until 4 a.m. the next morning, the owner reported. Despite numerous pleas from the wait staff to “take it easy,” Reid eventually passed out after consuming a final bucket of gravy, falling into a deep slumber atop a frightened bus boy, trapping him for hours.

When he awakened, he silently paid his bill and left, tipping a generous 15%.

“He’s a menace. At least he’s Kansas City’s problem now. Whenever the Chiefs come to town, though, we play it safe and close up for a few days.”

BREAKING NEWS: Chris Christie seen struggling to fit into Columbus Crew jersey

GREEN BAY, WIS – Reports flooded The Coggin Toboggan newsroom moments after the Dallas Cowboys fell to the Green Bay Packers this past Sunday evening, as New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was seen berating an intern and tearing into the package of freshly purchased Columbus Crew jersey that he struggled to pour himself into.

“I told you to purchase an XXXL sized jersey, this is an XXL, you moron!” The perturbed governor reportedly yelled at an intern, as the young government employee sheepishly tried to help the rotund government leader pull the jersey down over his watermelon sized head.

Numerous sources claimed Christie ran into a hotdog cart in a comical fashion as the jersey was draped over his head, sending frankfurters skittering down a Lambeau Field promenade.

“Put a few of those in your pockets for the flight back to New Jersey. What is this, amateur hour?” Christie reportedly hissed at the intern after successfully stuffing himself into the straining soccer jersey.

Christie has been under fire recently from national and local media for his choice in fandom, being spotted in Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones’s suite as the Cowboys defeated the Detroit Lion in the NFC Wildcard playoff round two week ago.

He angered Philadelphia fans earlier in the week when he described them as the worst in football. He clarified his remarks in a later press release sent to Philadelphia media outlets.

“I in no way said Philadelphia fans were the worst in football. I said they were pieces of shit,” Christie wrote in the release.

Wendy Gunderschmidt, a public works employee at Lambeau Field, told the CT she saw Christie throw his tarp-sized Cowboys jersey into a trashcan and leave the suite in a rage after Aaron Rogers clinched the victory for the Packers.

Gunderschmidt reported the jersey was slathered in chili, garlic salt, beer, whiskey, nacho cheese, ketchup, hotdog crumbs, spicy brown mustard, relish, cotton candy, paint thinner, Skittles, several large chunks of Bratwurst (spicy and mild flavored), and salsa. Upon closer inspection, the jersey had been retrofitted with several secret inseams capable of hiding numerous links of sausage.

The CT reached out the governor’s office for comment on his sudden change in fandom, and if it confirmed a possible presidential run and the beginning of a new courtship of Ohio voters.

“Absolutely not. I’ve been a fan of the Columbus Click (sic) for as long as I’ve been a fan of soccer,” Christie said. “How can you not root for mid-fighter (sic) Wil Trap and Federico Higuain to score all of the goals?”