BREAKING NEWS

For 6th year in a row, Ruben Amaro Jr. has no takers for March Madness pool
ruben

Poor Ruben.

Clearwater, Fla – Since being named GM in 2009, Ruben Amaro Jr. has attempted to host an NCAA March Madness pool with members of the Phillies and for six years in a row no athlete or employee has signed up to participate.

“I don’t understand it. Every year I send out an email to everyone and nobody ever gets back to me in time. Nobody sends me brackets. It’s only $10 to join,” Amaro said, as he glumly looked at his computer yesterday afternoon before the start of the first games.

Amaro, who for the record predicted SMU would win the championship and most likely would have lost in the first round, dejectedly had to throw his bracket away for another year.

“I got all this pizza and some sandwiches, I thought everyone could watch the first round together,” he said, as he sat alone in his office, nobody even in the Clearwater complex despite there being no practice or game scheduled for the day. “I really thought some of the new guys would sign up, you know, just to keep on my good side. Grady Sizemore seemed interested, but it just never happened.”

CT reporters caught up with Ryan Howard, who was at a local Buffalo Wild Wings with about 35 of his teammates, and asked the slugger why nobody decided to participate with Ruben.

“He’s an ok guy I guess, but he’s so god damn boring. The last thing anyone wants is to cultivate any personal relationship with him outside of the office….he gets a bit, well, clingy. Everyone remembers the Aaron Rowand incident.”

Howard of course was citing the famed 2006 incident where former center fielder Rowand spent a lengthy amount of time on the DL for breaking his face in a collision with an outfield wall. He made the mistake of going to a bar with Amaro one day after a victory, and the GM called and texted him with abandon for the rest of the season.

“Besides, Larry Andersen holds one every year and it’s great. Everyone wants to do his,” Howard said.

Andersen, who was watching the games with two high priced escorts on his lap, pounded his Miller Lite and agreed with Howard.

“Ruben is a square. Nobody wants to hang out with him when they could hang out with good ol’ LA. Isn’t that right ladies?” He said, doing a bump of cocaine off of a Bowie knife that he sheathed back into a leather holster. “Winner of my tourney gets a huge pot and a hooker on LA’s tab. Not a bad haul if you ask me.”

As of press time, Amaro was pouring several liters of Shasta down a drain in the men’s room.

Tom McCarthy absolutely rips Phillies: “They’re great, but not excellent”
What's wrong, Tom?

What’s wrong, Tom?

Clearwater, FLA – In a rare moment of candor, company stooge and play-by-play man for the Philadelphia Phillies, Tom McCarthy, finally opened up and blasted the Phillies for their play this spring training.

“Believe me, I think this is a great, great team,” McCarthy said, effectively tearing the squad a new one. “But they’re not excellent. Don’t get me wrong, do I think they can be? Absolutely. But they’re not their yet.”

He continued the lambasting, predicting the Phillies would “100%” finish in first place in the National League East, but most likely would not have the best record in the National League.

It was a welcome moment of fresh air from McCarthy, who has long been criticized for toeing the company line and never speaking out against the team or its play.

“Do I think Ryan Howard could hit between 65 and 70 home runs this year? If he stays healthy, that shouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility. But in all reality, I see him somewhere in the 55 to 60 home run range,” McCarthy said, practically bitch slapping Howard from the broadcasting booth.

“Oh he’s safe and secure with New York Life!” McCarthy bellowed as Howard flied out to center field, though without his usual zest for promos.

Ben Davis, McCarthy’s newest color man, expressed surprise at Tmac taking the Phillies to task.

“It’s really weird, actually. I’ve only been working with Tom since the beginning of Spring, but you can tell something is off. When Ruben Amaro came in the booth earlier this week to discuss some of his plans for the season, Tom only hugged him three times during the interview. So strange.”

As of press time, McCarthy was sitting with his head in his hands in a darkened broadcast booth, muttering “oppo boppo” quietly to himself over and over.

Despite perfect health, Chip Kelly is urging Marcus Smith to think things over
Looking a little woozy, ehh Marcus?

Looking a little woozy, ehh Marcus?

Philadelphia, PA – Following the abrupt retirement of San Francisco rookie linebacker Chris Borland, Chip Kelly reportedly contacted Marcus Smith yesterday afternoon to advise the second year linebacker to “think things over” and “to put his health above everything else.”

“You don’t know what’s going to happen, Marcus. Anything can happen in this crazy game and I really think you need to think of your family and friends. Take a long, hard look at your career, I’d hate to see you make a mistake,” Kelly said, reportedly with an arm around Smith as the two walked down the Novacare Center.

Smith was visibly confused at Kelly’s request, as the slightly-used and disappointing rookie was perfectly healthy at the end of last season and had suffered no setbacks whatsoever during the off season.

Kelly remarked that Smith was walking with a visible limp, despite the rookie walking with a perfectly fine gait.

“How are those knees? I see you’re wobbling a bit there, maybe some post concussion symptoms that may still be lingering around from the season?” Kelly asked, despite Smith having suffered no concussions this past year. “Just think it over big guy. I respect you way too much to put you out on that field when your health is suffering like this.”

As of press time, Kelly was diagnosing Smith with chronic traumatic encephalopathy and was drafting up his retirement papers and forging his signature.

Drunken, shirtless Ron Hextall announces he’ll be starting in goal tonight

hextall080614_672Vancouver, British Columbia – Perhaps frustrated as of late by his team’s mediocre play and inspired by St. Patrick’s Day, a visibly intoxicated Ron Hextall held an impromptu press conference on the tarmac of the Vancouver International Airport, in which he stated he would be starting in goal tonight for the Philadelphia Flyers.

“Steve Lason (sic) has been great for us recently, but he needs a night off. I’ll be stepping in between the pipes tonight….who wants to tell me I can’t?” Hextall said, slurring every other word as team officials pleaded with the current GM to leave the airport and take a nap at the hotel.

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Robert Durst’s official NCAA March Madness prediction special, slaughtering the competition since 1982

Robert Durst, member of the famed Durst real estate family in New York City, will be helping us pick March Madness games this year. His resume was quite impressive, as he noted that he served as ESPN’s primary basketball handicapper for several years in the early 1980s and 2000s. We haven’t been able to get in touch with Robert since Saturday, but we’re happy to have him aboard!

If Robert Durst knows one thing and one thing only, it's mens college basketball.

If Robert Durst knows one thing and one thing only, it’s mens college basketball.

Typically charging an arm and a leg for his services, Durst has slashed his prices for the Toboggan and will be checking in before each round to give his unique take on the upcoming games.

Robert Durst: Thank you for having me. As you know, I requested this column to have my voice heard on something very important, to give my side of the story and to let people know the truth about Bobby Durst…that I am a fanatic about mens college basketball.

Each round I’ll be providing the CT with exactly what people are interested in me about, my above average prediction skills for the greatest tournament in the world.

I may not know where my first wife is, but I do know that a 16 seed has absolutely no chance to beat any of the 1 seeds this year. No jury in the world will convict me for that prediction.

I don’t know…I’d pick them all if I could ::starts to blink rapidly::

I’ll give you one upstart in the first round that I think has a change to get away with murder. It’s number 12 Buffalo over number 5 West Virginia. I have nothing against West Virginia, but the Buffalo Bulls are the MAC champs and took a lead against Kentucky into the second half a few weeks ago for a reason. They’re a solid team and have averaged 75 points a game for the season, I could see them sending West Virginia to an early grave this tournament.

Speaking of West Virginia, have you ever driven through there? Gorgeous country, plenty of deep lakes, forests that nobody could entirely search for weeks on end, plenty of sprawling marshland…it really is a paradise. You could go for miles without seeing a single soul…you could even let out a piercing scream until your lungs ran dry and nobody would ever hear you. It really is god’s country.

Well, that’s it for me. I can’t think of anything else. I’ll see you before the start of the second round.

The CT: Thank you Mr. Durst, we can’t wait to have you back.

Robert Durst: May I use the bathroom?

The CT: Of course sir, it’s two doors down to the left.

::Leaves the room, forgets he is still mic’d up::

Robert Durst: I can’t wait to kill them all.

Chip Kelly strongly hinting at rentals instead of ownership to Sam Bradford
Don't get too comfortable, Sam.

Don’t get too comfortable, Sam.

Philadelphia, PA – Citing the strength of the Philadelphia apartment rental scene in the city as of late, Chip Kelly has been dropping hints to Sam Bradford since acquiring the 27-year-old quarterback last week that home ownership may not be a wise investment at this point in his career.

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Temple’s Fran Dunphy has been listening to “Philadelphia Freedom” on repeat since snub

fran-dunphyPhiladelphia, PA – Unseen since Temple University was snubbed by the NCAA Selection Committee for the 2015 March Madness tournament, Owls head coach Fran Dunphy was found in his Villanova home Monday disheveled, drunk, and singing the lyrics to Elton John’s “Philadelphia Freedom” over and over.

Worried that he had not been heard by anyone since Sunday evening, Assistant Coach Aaron McKie traveled to his home Monday and entered the unlocked house. Upon entering, McKie said the stench of whiskey was heavy in the air.

“Oh Philadelphia freedom, shine on me, I love you, Shine the light, through the eyes of the ones left behind, Shine the light, shine the light, Shine the light, won’t you shine the light, Philadelphia freedom, I love-ve-ve you, yes I do,” Dunphy drunkenly sang from his living room couch.

An MP3 recording of the song was blasting from the head coach’s iPod, which he had hooked up to his house’s HIFI system. It was on repeat and was shown to be on its 180th play.

“Coach was pretty upset that we didn’t get in. He’s taking it a bit hard,” McKie said as he struggled to lift Dunphy up from the couch.

The mustachioed coach valiantly reached for a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle on the floor as McKie struggled to get him upright and launched into the conclusion of the song.

“Don’t you know that I love-ve-ve you, Yes I do, Philadelphia freedom, Don’t you know that I love-ve-ve you, Yes I do, Philadelphia freedom,” he slurred, before falling into a deep sleep.

Reports as of press time described Dunphy’s mustache as being in “pristine condition” and of “Final Four level caliber.”

Meet the new Philadelphia Eagles

philadelphia_eagles_logo_4008Philadelphia, PA – Following one of the most storied days in free agency history in Philadelphia, the Eagles have two new prized running backs that will be taking the field in 2015-2016.

Chip Kelly and company inked both Demarco Murray and Ryan Mathews to substantial contracts for the upcoming seasons. Sure, we know what they can do on the field, but what about the men behind the facemasks?

The CT has collected a detailed look on both Murray and Mathews. Here are several facts that you may not know about the two newest Philadelphia Eagles.

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Demarco Murray signs with the Eagles for a song and a kiss
A truly tortured soul. May he find contentedness in Philadelphia.

A truly tortured soul. May he find contentedness in Philadelphia.

Philadelphia, PA – Demarco Murray landed in Philadelphia this morning and the spurned running back signed with the Eagles for a “song and a kiss.”

Describing himself as “extremely vulnerable,” Murray said he was disappointed that the Cowboys cast him aside and just wanted to have the “sweet caress of a song run through my ears.”

“I want no money. I have more money than any man could ever spend in a lifetime,” Murray said, taking off a pair of Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses to show his saddened eyes. “But what about a man’s soul? To receive something that touches upon a man’s inner being is worth more than all the gold and bullion in the world.”

Upon signing his contract, Chip Kelly tenderly kissed Murray on top of his forehead and launched into a stunning aria of “Ave Maria.” The music flowed lovingly from the head coach’s lips, bringing the elite athlete to tears.

“Paid in full, Mr. Kelly, paid in full,” Murray said, sobbing as he collapsed in Chip’s arms.

It’s not yet known how the contract will effect the Eagles cap space moving forward.

BREAKING:

The CT has received a recording of Kelly’s aria here.

Chip Kelly: We won’t mortgage our future, but we will reverse mortgage it
Real estate tycoon Chip Kelly.

Real estate tycoon Chip Kelly.

Philadelphia, PA – At his press conference yesterday to address the recent Eagles wheelings and dealings, Chip Kelly stressed to reporters that he would not mortgage the team’s future to obtain Marcus Mariota in the 2015 draft.

He did, however, say a reverse mortgage would not be out of the question.

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