Demarco Murray signs with the Eagles for a song and a kiss

A truly tortured soul. May he find contentedness in Philadelphia.

A truly tortured soul. May he find contentedness in Philadelphia.

Philadelphia, PA – Demarco Murray landed in Philadelphia this morning and the spurned running back signed with the Eagles for a “song and a kiss.”

Describing himself as “extremely vulnerable,” Murray said he was disappointed that the Cowboys cast him aside and just wanted to have the “sweet caress of a song run through my ears.”

“I want no money. I have more money than any man could ever spend in a lifetime,” Murray said, taking off a pair of Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses to show his saddened eyes. “But what about a man’s soul? To receive something that touches upon a man’s inner being is worth more than all the gold and bullion in the world.”

Upon signing his contract, Chip Kelly tenderly kissed Murray on top of his forehead and launched into a stunning aria of “Ave Maria.” The music flowed lovingly from the head coach’s lips, bringing the elite athlete to tears.

“Paid in full, Mr. Kelly, paid in full,” Murray said, sobbing as he collapsed in Chip’s arms.

It’s not yet known how the contract will effect the Eagles cap space moving forward.

BREAKING:

The CT has received a recording of Kelly’s aria here.

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