BREAKING NEWS

Breaking: Everything on Miles Austin

Philadelphia, PA – Oft injured wide receiver Miles Austin was scheduled to visit the Eagles brass this afternoon as part of a potential signing. However, he never even made it on the plane, as he tore both hamstrings after he stepped on the tarmac.

As he writhed on the tarmac, he was accidentally run over by a distracted airline employee driving a luggage truck to a departing flight. Austin apparently suffered snapped ulnas in both arms as he tried to shield himself from the oncoming vehicle.

Austin was also doused with 65 gallons of human excrement as a nearby plane accidentally released its latrine containers on the runway.

An employee described the scene as “humorous” in a “human misery type of way.” Emergency responders could only attempt to stifle chuckles as they scraped Austin off of the tarmac.

Upon hearing the news, Sam Bradford promptly dislocated both elbows and fell down a 55 foot flight of stairs.

Alonzo Mourning confirms ‘who wants to sex Mutombo’ anecdote: “He did fuck me”

A reflective, wonderful memory shared this morning by Alonzo Mourning.

In a taped segment of Highly Questionable, hosted by Dan LeBetard, former Miami Heat center Alonzo Mourning confirmed the infamous Dikembe Mutombo “Who wants to sex Mutombo” anecdote that the famed NBA center denied happened last year.

As the story goes, when attending Georgetown University during his college days, Dikembe Mutombo burst into a club and loudly proclaimed to the throngs of co-eds, “Who wants to sex Mutombo?” The story spread throughout the country and was a popular urban legend, until Mutombo himself proclaimed last year that it never happened.

But today, Alonzo Mourning said, yes, it absolutely 100% took place when the two were at Georgetown.

“Oh I can confirm that it did happen. Absolutely. I can prove it because it was me that Mutombo took back into an empty room at that club and made sweet, sweet love to,” he said, live on air this morning. “He did fuck me. I hesitate to be crass, because it was a wonderful, touching moment between two men, but he did indeed fuck me and he did indeed coerce me into bed with that charming saying.”

Stunned by the revelation, LeBetard failed to ask Mourning a follow up question.

A very tender lover.

Mourning described the moment as “touching and tender” and applauded Dikembe for guiding him through the erotic man on man moment.

“He taught me everything I know today as a lover. I can still feel his breath on my neck,” Mourning said, a wistful look in his eyes.

Mourning expressed no regrets at the moment, but did say he was disappointed that Mutombo never called him after that night.

The people have spoken

Philadelphia, PA – Well, that’s it folks. After a day of polling, the people of Philadelphia have determined that the mere THOUGHT of petting this puppy has trumped the idea of watching the 2015 Phillies.

And really, who can blame the people who voted for the puppy. I mean, just look at this little guy. Who’s a good boy, who’s a good boy? Yes, yes you are a good boy!

Awwwwwwww!

Of course it’s easy to think about petting a puppy over the 2015 Phillies. They’re going to win 70 games at most this summer and devoted fans will have the privilege of watching once great players like Chase Utley and Ryan Howard playing at 50% of their normal capacity until they’re inevitably traded midway through the season.

But that little guy? He’ll give you 10 to 12 years of joy until you have to pull a Marley and Me on him, mourn for about two months, and then get another one.

Fuck the Phillies. Puppies all the way.

Ruben Amaro Jr. wondering if his Super Bowl tickets purchased from Don Tollefson are still coming

He looks like a trustworthy guy.

Philadelphia, PA – Speaking to reporters this afternoon, Ruben Amaro Jr. openly worried if Don Tollefson’s recent jail sentencing will in any way affect the delivery of his Super Bowl tickets.

Amaro Jr. revealed he purchased two VIP, full access tickets to Super Bowl 50 at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, Calif., next year. He purchased the tickets for $20,000 each from Tollefson’s charity foundation last month.

“I heard he was just sentenced to jail for 2 to 4 years. Wow, I hope this has nothing to do with his charity, I wonder what happened?” Amaro said. “I still haven’t gotten those tickets from Don yet, he said they would be delivered this past weekend, but I haven’t seen them yet.”

Tollefson, of course, was sentenced to prison for taking hundreds of thousands of dollars from area residents who purchased tickets or VIP meet and greets from the embattled sports broadcaster.

Tollefson did not deliver on the majority of the purchases and bilked thousands of dollars from sports fans in the name of his charity.

“I just wonder if my tickets are going to get here this weekend or the next. I paid an extra $10,000 per ticket for all access, which Don told me would get me into the lockers rooms and even the huddles on field during the big game. I had no idea that was even a possibility, I can’t wait for that game!” Amaro Jr. said.

As of press time, Amaro Jr. was still waiting by mailbox for the postman to arrive.

The CT Poll: What is more exciting, the thought of petting this puppy or the 2015 Phillies?

Once again, we here at the Coggin Toboggan are searching long and hard, questioning the electorate, and picking the brains of our readership as we bring another hard hitting question to the masses.

With the 2015 Major League Baseball season soon to be upon us, we ask you, our dear readers, which is the most exciting prospect: The 2015 Philadelphia Phillies season or the mere thought of petting this adorable little puppy? It’s an extremely scientific poll that will absolutely dictate CT coverage over the summer, so please take this very, very seriously.

How can you resist that punim?!

Boo.

Awwww look at that face? Who’s a good little boy? Yes, yes you are!

We’ll check back in later to see the results. Do the right thing Philadelphia, I know I would.

Charlie Manuel officially on the Road to Wrestlemania, gets match with Ric Flair

Yeeeee ha!

Philadelphia, PA – Hoping to avenge his loss at Royal Rumble after longtime friend Ric Flair betrayed him and eliminated him in the titular match, former Phillies manager Charlie Manuel was able to coerce a last-second match with the Nature Boy in Sunday’s Wrestlemania 31.

Manuel appeared on two days ago on WWE’s Monday Night Raw, carrying a handcuffed Ashley Flair out to the middle of the ring. Taking up the house mic, Manuel pointed a baseball bat at Flair’s daughter, threatening to “send her brains all through this ring” if he didn’t appear and accept Manuel’s challenge.

“Naw, I don’t want to do it, Naitch, but you’ve left me no choice,” He said, taking up a stance and readying the bat at her head. “You come out here right now and lets talk about what I want…a Hell in the Cell match at Wrestlemania. You brought this on yourself, Ric, now get out here.”

Moments before the bat could come crashing down on Ashley’s skull, Flair’s patented theme music blared throughout the arena, and the Nature Boy strutted out through the curtain and came to the ring.

“Now, now just hold on a minute Charlie. Lets not do something you’ll regret later,” Flair said, as he addressed the longtime Phillies manager. “You know and I know that you don’t have the stones to do that to Ashley. You were at her christening, you’re her godfather, you wouldn’t do that to her. Stop embarrassing yourself out here.”

Wooooooooooo!

Manuel, seemingly defeated, slumped his shoulders and looked towards the mat. Perhaps buoyed by the chants of Charlie ringing out through the stands, the manager rose the bat and brought it down directly on Flair’s head, dropping the “dirtiest player in the game” into a heap.

Manuel circled Flair as he recovered and slapped the Nature Boy’s iconic Figure Four leg lock on his onetime best friend.

“Accept the match or I’ll break your damn legs!” He screamed, tightening the hold, finally forcing the Nature Boy to agree to the Hell in the Cell match at WWE’s biggest pay per view of the year.

“That’s what I like to hear, I’ll see you on Sunday you son of a bitch!” Manuel yelled, dropping the microphone, as he walked out of the arena to thunderous applause.

The two will headline the event after the world heavyweight title match this weekend.

Josh Innes brilliantly breaks down Jimmy Rollins’ statements, farts long, hard into microphone

Philadelphia, PA – 94 WIP sports talk host Josh Innes took to the airwaves yesterday to discuss the recent statements of Jimmy Rollins, former Philadelphia Phillies. Innes calmly and eloquently broke down Rollins’ statements about Philadelphia not appreciating the dynamic he had with the fans, presenting a rationale argument for each of his talking points.

“He was never a superstar. He was a great player, but never a superstar, and it just shows you where his head is at if he’s describing himself as such,” Innes said. “It’s absurd for him to make these statements about his prowess as a player, but he does raise some valid points about the people of Philadelphia possibly holding him to a higher standard than other players on those great teams, like Chase Utley or Ryan Howard.”

Innes then lowered his microphone to his buttocks and flatulated into the live mic for 15 seconds.

“It seems as if he’s directly comparing himself to Chase Utley. He may be jealous of the attention and free pass Utley has gotten from fans for all these years. Can you really blame him?” Innes said, before bending over and sticking the microphone between his legs to let out several small, machine gun blasts of flatulence.

Bruno nodded along in agreement with Innes, and punctuated the end of the segment with a few quick sprays of Febreeze throughout the studio.

“Well, tomorrow on the show we’ll have former United States Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice on with us. She’ll be discussing the state of pro football with us, she’s a huge fan, Tony, and she’ll be sharing her thoughts with us on the turmoil in the Middle East,” he said. “Plus, we’ll have 5 strippers in here from Club Risque and we’ll be playing a round of our patented game, Bologna tits. 10 slices, 10 breasts, 10 throws. Should be a great show.”

NFL veteran combine gives a second chance to former athletes

The NFL held its first ever veterans combine over the weekend, which saw over 400 past athletes participate in drills and exercises in front of team scouts, hoping for just one last shot at glory. While only one athlete has been signed to a contract so far, the CT had representatives at the combine who sent back several notes on players who showed up for the weekend.

Here is who stood out.

Michael Sam – The second year player, drafted by the St. Louis Rams last season, never found a home last year on two NFL rosters. While he did not impress at the veteran’s combine, CT reporters said he showed exemplary reflexes in dodging questions thrown at him from every angle about his sexuality.

Felix Jones – 27-year-old former running back for the Dallas Cowboys described the entire process as a humiliating process where team representatives had to view a gaggle of former athletes with diminished skills still searching for a home on an NFL roster. Said it was one of the most embarrassing moments of his life, even worse than the time Jerry Jones walked in on him taking a shit and wouldn’t stop staring for the entire time.

Michael Bush – Reporters questioned the 30-year-old running backs desire to be at the combine, as he ran the 40-yard-dash in a pair of flip flops.

Brady Quinn – The former quarterback from Notre Dame underwhelmed in arm strength tests, as he could only throw a football 25 yards. His request to switch to a Nerf Turbo football was denied.

Aaron Berry – Former Detroit Lions and New York Jets defensive back, Berry wowed scouts with his poise, speed and agility during drills. After briefly speaking with him after the combine, it was quickly determined that Berry had paid Richard Seymour $50,000 to show up for the day and perform under his name.

Carlton Mitchell – Former wide receiver from the Cleveland Browns, Mitchell did not participate in any drills or events during the day. Reportedly spent the entire afternoon at the complimentary buffet for participants and was seen leaving the arena with trashbags filled to the brim with bagels.

Robert Durst’s NCAA March Madness predictions part II, slaughtering the competition since 1982

If Robert Durst knows one thing and one thing only, it’s mens college basketball.

Robert Durst, member of the famed Durst real estate family in New York City, will be helping us pick March Madness games this year. His resume was quite impressive, as he noted that he served as ESPN’s primary basketball handicapper for several years in the early 1980s and 2000s. We haven’t been able to get in touch with Robert since Saturday, but we’re happy to have him aboard!

Typically charging an arm and a leg for his services, Durst has slashed his prices for the Toboggan and will be checking in before each round to give his unique take on the upcoming games.

Robert Durst: Well, there it is. You’re caught. You’re right of course, should have listened to everyone else and not picked Virginia to get to the finals. What a disaster. They were right, I was wrong….and the burping. I can’t stop. Stupid Virginia, why did I pick them to get to the finals? I’ll never get over this. What the hell did I do?

Virginia’s game disappeared faster than my first wife.

I’ve never been more disappointed in my life than yesterday. Not even when Barbara was killed by me…I don’t mean “me” of course, I was talking about the journalistic “me,” the “me” in all of us, you know what I mean. ::blinking uncontrollably::

So I’m over it. Whatever. I’ll make sure that coach will never disappoint me again. Maybe even some of his players.

But on to better things. On to the Sweet 16. If I had to bet someone’s life on these games, I’d suggest taking a long hard look at Wichita over Notre Dame. Wichita St. absolutely murdered Kansas yesterday afternoon, ripping the hearts out of their fans.

I also really like Michigan State to advance to the Elite Eight. They’ll have an easier road to the dance now that Villanova is out. They’ll have an easier time than the gentleman who hid my first wife’s body in our backyard lake on Jan. 31, 1982.

The CT: Thank you Mr. Durst.

Robert Durst: May I use the bathroom?

The CT: Of course sir, it’s two doors down to the left. Please make sure you take off your microphone before going into the bathroom, you do remember what happened last time.

::Leaves the room, pulls out his own microphone::

Robert Durst: I can’t wait to kill them all.

Report: 95% of bracket participants in last place in their pools

A national report released today shows that 95% of participants who entered a bracket into a March Madness pool are reporting that they are already in last place and have no hope of winning.

This set the record for futility in the annual March Madness tournament, topping last year’s pathetic show of 92% of brackets being busted after the first slate of games.

“I don’t know what happened. I really thought Iowa State had the guard play and the poise to at least reach the elite eight. What am I going to do for the rest of March, I don’t even want to watch these games anymore,” Millions upon millions of dejected fans said Friday morning.

Millions of brackets were crumpled and tossed into nearby trash cans Friday morning, as their owners came to realize they wasted yet another $25 on pools again.

Adding to the frustration, the majority of pool leaders after the first day were secretaries named Helen who were invited into company pools at the final minute. Most of their winners and losers were chosen based on team names and/or mascots.

The Coggin Toboggan

The finest Philadelphia sports blog spewed from the mind of an alcoholic