BREAKING NEWS

Punch throwing, fight picking radio host still offended at Chase Utley’s profanity use in 2008

My momma’s sauce.

Philadelphia, PA – A walking, talking Italian stereotype, who moonlights as the host of the popular 97.5 FM mid-day sports talk show, surprised no one yesterday afternoon when he went against public opinion and criticized the recently traded Chase Utley for his use of the F-word during the 2008 World Series Championship celebration.

On a day when the vast majority of Phillies fans were choosing to celebrate their memories of Utley and his stellar on field play, the man who once quarreled with a fan through email and described him as a “latent homosexual” argued with fans that Utley’s F-Bomb drop was absolutely inexcusable.

“I don’t think that a professional athlete, who is a professional, needs to do that when he knows he is speaking to a mixed audience and there are a lot of kids there, it’s just not appropriate,” the stereotype said. “Ehhhh but I guess the Dodgers made him an offer he couldn’t refuse, capiche? If I were there I would have sent him a Sicilian message, made him sleep with the fishes.”

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Lesean McCoy blames ‘racist’ hamstring for injury

Buffalo, NY – Despite reports claiming Buffalo Bills running back Lesean McCoy will not miss week 1 of the regular season, the star running back didn’t hesitate to speak with reporters about his hamstring injury.

“I don’t have to explain myself to nobody, but I’m just saying my hamstring had a huge hand in my injury,” McCoy said. “You only see my hamstring hurting me, a black man, and no white players, am I right? I don’t know how else to put it, but it’s definitely got a problem with me.”

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Exclusive look at Chase Utley’s ad thanking Philadelphia fans

Chase Utley is staying as classy as ever, as the beloved veteran second baseman has taken out a full page advertisement thanking the fans of Philadelphia for his time as a member of the Phillies.

The ad, which will run in the Inquirer and Daily News, offers a heartfelt message from Utley to the fans who supported him during his 13-year career in the city.

Sources within The Coggin Toboggan have received a copy of the advertisement, which you can see after the jump.

Just a warning. If you haven’t already cried about Utley being traded, this is going to be difficult to read.

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Tale of the Tape: Mike Missanelli vs. Josh Innes

Reports and pictures out of Eagles practice today (and this is not bullshit) are confirming a confrontation between 94 WIP mid-day host Josh Innes and 97.5 The Fan mid-day host Mike Missanelli on the sidelines of the joint Eagles/Ravens scrimmage this afternoon.

Nothing has been confirmed, but Crossing Broad has posted pictures from a tipster and Jimmy Kempski, Eagles writer for PhillyVoice, showing some sort of confrontation between the two supposedly adult males who cover sports for a living.

(They cover sports and want to fight each other…lets all let that sink in for a few minutes)

It’s unknown if things reached a physical level, but we decided to look at the tale of the tape for both hosts – who we again remind you are fully mature and grown men – if they were ever locked together in combat.

Let us know who you got if these two ABSOLUTE TITANS ever decided to throw down.

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Reports from Eagles practice describe “incredible freakout” by Les Bowen

Les Bowen in calmer times

Philadelphia, PA – Reports coming out of yesterday’s Eagles practice are sketchy , but what can definitely be confirmed from the afternoon session is veteran Daily News reporter Les Bowen threw, what eyewitness could only describe as, an “absolute shit fit” when linebacker Kiko Alonso did not show up for a Q&A session with the media.

Tim Smithely, a front office public assistant, said Bowen went into an “absolute conniption fit” when the press officer mentioned Alonso had declined to participate in the media session.

“All of a sudden he just threw his arms up in the air and loudly stomped away from the group, grumbling about deadlines and wasted time. It was an incredible freakout, I haven’t seen anything like it in all my years with the team,” Smithely said.

Smithely added that it was “definitely a good old fashioned hissy fit.”

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Chase Utley will only agree to trade if given opportunity to dirty uniform on daily basis

Philadelphia, PA – Details are emerging about a potential trade for long time second baseman and face of the Phillies franchise Chase Utley through the waiver wire over the weekend. Despite the injuries of the aged second baseman, several potential contending playoff teams are vying for his services, including the Chicago Cubs and San Francisco Giants.

Utley, however, has several demands of his own, as the veteran can deny any potential trade.

“I’ve been in Philadelphia for a long time. I love playing here, so if I’m going to be traded, I need a guarantee from the team I’m traded to that I will be given an opportunity to get my uniform on a daily basis,” Utley said.

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Pope agrees to bless Sam Bradford’s knees, perform last rites

Philadelphia, PA – After being delivered a petition signed by thousands of Philadelphia sports fans, Pope Francis agreed to bless the knees of oft-injured Eagles quarterback Sam Bradford.

The Pope agreed to bless Bradford’s knees in a display of good humor with the ravenous sports city and its fans, who are understandably nervous going into this year’s season with the shaky Bradford.

The Pope also agreed to perform the last rites on Bradford, claiming it would likely save him time.

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Jerry Jones on banner flown over Eagles practice: ‘Absolutely despicable display from Greg Hardy’

Maybe he’s not so bad, after all?

Dallas, Texas – Jerry Jones, the flamboyant owner and GM of the Dallas Cowboys, came out for the first time today and publicly decried the banner flown over the Eagles practice this past Sunday afternoon.

The banner, flown over Lincoln Financial Field during a public practice, displayed the message “”WE STILL DEM BOYZ!!!! #SACKSCOMIN” to the thousands of fans standing during the National Anthem.

Fan welcomed the banner with hearty boos, as expected, but Jones had a somewhat surprising reaction to the ploy by Hardy.

Jones described it as an “absolutely despicable display from Greg Hardy.”

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Local man experiences more joy in 10 seconds of meaningless NFL preseason game than entire Phillies season

Philadelphia, PA – Mindlessly flipping through stations last evening, Tim Brackens, 33, became inordinately excited when he stumbled upon the NFL Hall of Fame game between the Steelers and Vikings at 8:23 p.m.

Brackens experienced more joy in the first 10 seconds he watched of the first preseason game, which featured exactly zero predicted first week starters for either team, than the entire summer of Philadelphia sports put together.

“Holy shit, football! Preseason started tonight, fuck yes!” Brackens said, sitting up quickly on his couch.

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Lesean McCoy: ‘Travis Long tore his ACL because Chip Kelly is a racist’

Buffalo, NY – Lesean McCoy just couldn’t help himself in the first week of Buffalo Bills training camp, as the former Eagles running back opened up yet again about his perception of Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.

“I’m not saying anything, nah, I’m not saying anything at all,” McCoy said after the conclusion of yesterday’s practice. “But do you see any of the white linebackers tearing their ACLs down in Philadelphia?”

When asked what he meant by his comments, McCoy said he “didn’t have to explain myself to nobody. Nobody.”

The stunned media didn’t follow up with anymore questions, but that didn’t stop McCoy from continuing.

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