Author: BL

76ers assembling crack squad of foreign cutthroats
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Furkan Korkmaz, one of several foreign athletes the 76ers have selected this year for their unique brand of “skills.”

Philadelphia, PA – Quickly realizing that the top-tier, top-flight free agents available this year were not willing to sign max deals with a young and inexperience 76ers team, team scouts have been scouring the back end courts, war-torn arenas, and shady, dimly lit half-court games at all corners of the world to assemble a cutthroat team of mercenaries and hacks to don a 76ers uniform for the 2016-2017 season.

Vince Rozman, 76ers director of basketball operations and scouting innovation, said his team of scouts were dispersed throughout the world to assemble the “best of the best” that the rest of the NBA had shunned throughout the years.

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Noted ballhawk Zack Hample demanded USSR anthem be played prior to Ft. Bragg game
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Communist menace Zack Hample.

Famed ballhawk Zack Hample has found himself in hot water on the Fourth of July.

Hample, who has claimed to have caught more than 9,000 combined foul balls and home runs at professional baseball games, reportedly demanded the national anthem of the USSR be played prior to the beginning of Sunday’s Fort Bragg game.

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So you’ve decided to enter a hot dog eating contest…
Top Speed Eaters Compete In Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

Now you’re in the shit.

Well, now you’ve done it this time, Mojombo. You ran your mouth again, wrote a check you couldn’t cash, and now you’ve found yourself smack dab in the middle of a good old fashioned Fourth of July weekend hot dog eating contest.

Calm down, calm down, stop crying. First off, I salute you Mr. or Mrs. John. Q. America. You’re participating in one of the most patriotic events a citizen of this grand country can be involved in. It’s every American’s god given right to overeat stuffed meat byproduct in 90 degree weather and then pass out on a red ant hill in front of your embarrassed children.

But whether you’re in the glitzy big time of Nathan’s Fourth of July contest or some back alley, unsanctioned eating event with only your wits and iron stomach to survive, the strategies for victory are the same.

We’re here to help at The Coggin Toboggan. So strap in tubby, we’re taking you on a wild ride down a gilded, hot dog paved road to success.

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Frazzled Bryan Colangelo completely spaces on NBA free agency

colangelo_headshotPhiladelphia, PA –  Citing his extremely full plate right now and a million other things he has to do, Philadelphia 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo woke up today and quickly realized he forgot all about the NBA free agency period that starts tonight at midnight.

When asked why the local sports media had been reporting all week that the 76ers would be heavy players in the free agency market, Colangelo said his dad must have been speaking to reporters again.

“God he does this to me all the time. Just let me live my life, Dad,” the harried Colangelo said, scrambling to find his cell phone. “It just completely slipped my mind, ok? Is Lebron James a free agent this year? Maybe we should call him? God this is not good, it’s Toronto all over again. How much money do we have to spend? I’ve got like $50 in my wallet, will that help?”

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Gotta go BACK IN TIME!

curt-schilling1Yesterday on Twitter, Curt Schilling decided to get political. I know what you’re thinking, you can’t believe this usually even keeled and open minded ex-Phillies pitcher decided to share his political views on the public site.

But to your surprise, and to ours, he decided to let a few opinions be known about Hillary Clinton.

To be fair, we did goad him into it.

Honestly, it didn’t take that much goading. He’s got 159,000 followers, he must look at his twitter nonstop to jump into political fights. By our second tweet he should have known we were just kidding at this point.

And then he never did answer our last question.

If you had told me when I was 10-years-old that in 23 years I would actually be speaking with Curt Schilling on the computer, my brain would have imploded on itself. Me, being yelled at on the computer by the best pitcher in the 1993 Phillies rotation, it would have just been too much.

Well, the only person who is fit to let my past self know about these turns of events is me…so lets hop into the Delorian, kick it up to 88 miles per hour, and get ready to see some serious shit. Here we go.

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Buddy Ryan places bounty on Tom Landry
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Fielding several interviews during his first day in Heaven.

The Afterlife, Heaven – Immediately after entering through the Pearly Gates, popular ex-Eagles head coach Buddy Ryan donned a pair of aviator sunglasses, hitched a pair of sweat socks up to his knees, and declared the first denizen of the ethereal plane that really decked the famous Dallas Cowboys head coach Tom Landry would receive $100.

Ryan sauntered into the afterlife and immediately hooked up with former defensive stalwarts Jerome Brown and Andre “Dirty” Waters, riling the two up with a fevered and passionate speech compelling them to blindside Landry the next time the ex-coach walked down Heaven Boulevard to a replica of Cowboys Stadium, where he relives some of his greatest moments as a head coach.

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Carl Lindros: “I did it!”
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Carl Lindros’s son.

Toronto, Canada – A jubilant Carl Lindros celebrated with his wife, Bonnie, in their Toronto home Monday afternoon after the NHL Hall of Fame selection committee elected Carl Lindros’s son to the hall of fame.

Lindros, who once claimed the Flyers had tried to kill his son in 1999, can finally take his place among the great, meddling hockey parents of all time.

The helicopter parent said this “made all of my personal sacrifices, blood, sweat and tears completely worth it” and that he was “very honored” to be a part of “my big day.”

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Carl Lindros to ‘make a few calls’ to Hall of Fame selection committee on behalf of son
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Will this be the year Eric Lindros is elected to the NHL Hall of Fame? His father plans on it.

Toronto, Canada  – Carl Lindros, father and former agent to Eric Lindros, told his son Monday that he would “reach out” to several members of the NHL Hall of Fame Committee and “pull a few strings” to ensure Eric received his hall of fame nomination this year.

Lindros, the supremely talented center who spent the majority of his career with the Philadelphia Flyers, racked up 865 points over 760 regular season games and led the Flyers to a Stanley Cup Championship in 1997. He won the NHL’s Hart Trophy in 1995 as the league’s most valuable player, but may be remembered more for injuries derailing his career and for having two perceived “meddling” parents who steered the career of their talented boy. He also never won a Stanley Cup, which many cite as a big knock against his resume for the Hall of Fame.

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76ers announce they will draft and stash every active member of roster

76ers logoPhiladelphia, PA – Following a productive 2016 NBA draft, but citing that they are still not within striking distance of competing for a title, 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo announced the organization would draft and stash every single member of the active roster for 2016-2017.

“It just makes sense. Are we going to win a title next year? No we’re not. So why not get these guys some experience and see what we can do in 2017-2018,” Colangelo said.

He said the 76ers will stash Joel Embiid, Nerlens Noel, Dario Saric, Hollis Thompson, Isaiah Canaan, Ish Smith, Robert Covington, Elton Brand, Jerami Grant, Kendall Marshall, JP Tokoto, Carl Landry, Richaun Holmes, Christian Wood, Ben Simmons, Timothe Luwawu and Furkan Korkmaz in the darkest, most desolate points throughout the globe, away from the prying eyes of media and fans.

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BREAKING: Ben Simmons turns down 76ers contract, says he must find his own way
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Ben Simmons reportedly turned down the 76ers contract after being drafted #1 overall. What happened?

Brooklyn, NY – Minutes ago, number one overall pick Ben Simmons met with GM Bryan Colangelo in a green room after being drafted by the organization and told the executive that he would not be accepting the 76ers contract because he “wasn’t yet ready for greatness.”

Simmons and Colangelo discussed the 19-year-old Australian’s plan for his life for several minutes. When the two left the green room, they reportedly settled on a handshake before parting ways.

The 6-foot-10-inch power forward out of LSU met with throngs of media after his brief meeting with Colangelo and explained his decision for turning the 76ers down.

“I’m only 19-years-old, what do I know about being a professional? Sure, the money would be nice, but I don’t feel as if I’m mature enough to be a member of the 76ers roster just yet. I must find my own way if I wish to be successful,” he said.

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