Oh good lord, what have I done?
Aspen, Colo. – Having gone through an entire last week of wedding preparations under the “probable” tag, Eagles quarterback and about to be newlywed Sam Bradford has been downgraded to “doubtful” this morning, according to his best man.
Sam, who last said he was very confident about his upcoming performance at today’s wedding to fiance Emma Lavy, reportedly had a debilitating panic attack this morning in front of his groomsmen and best man.
Zagreb, Croatia – Sources have confirmed that Dario Saric, a forward for Anadolu Efes of the Turkish Basketball Super League, is currently in the Croatian port city of Sibenik and has booked himself a steerage ticket on a steamer ship and will set sail to America within the fortnight.
Saric, who has heard of far begone tales of good work and golden paved streets in America, reportedly packed his steamer trunk and bought a sack of limes from a merchant marine to ward off scurvy for the grueling trip ahead.
Philadelphia, PA – Due to massive delays on most of its services, SEPTA officials are urging Eagles fans to get in line now if they hope to make it into the city on time for the first pre-season game on Thursday, Aug. 11.
The Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority has faced tremendous criticism from riders after the company recently sidelined 120 Silverliner V cars, a third of the coaches in its regional rail system, after defects were found in the suspension systems.
Boooooooo
Skip Bayless sucks, am I right? If there’s one thing in this country I think we can all agree on is that Skip Bayless is a melon-headed moron who takes up valuable time on ESPN that could be used to air repeats of dog agility races or old World’s Strongest Man competitions from the 80s.
Giancarlo “Mashed Taters” Stanton.
San Diego, Calif. – After an epic home run derby in which he hit 61 home runs to take the title, Giancarlo Stanton reportedly dropped several hints to his teammates and attendees at the 2016 All Star game that he was fishing for a new nickname.
The tremendous slugger apparently was heard having several loud conversations after his victory where he described how he hit “61 mashed taters” in the derby.
Enough is enough, says Jahlil Okafor.
The media in this city is disgusting. I wake up each and every day, shuddering as I reach for my iPhone to see what drivel reporters decide to “report” on me during a slow summer news cycle.
I get it. Newspapers are dying, you need a hook and you need something to bring in readers. Fine. But maybe do some actual reporting on a story instead of just throwing proverbial shit on the wall and seeing what sticks.
Take Tom Moore of the Bucks County Courier Time, for instance. He’s always citing his “sources” that say I’m unhappy with being in Philadelphia. Now he’s citing these “sources” saying that I’m upset the 76ers tried to trade me. It’s ridiculous.
WHOOP!
San Diego, Calif. – Excitement for tonight’s 2016 Home Run Derby has been tempered across the nation, as baseball fans everywhere have begun to realize that this will likely be the last time they are able to hear longtime ESPN personality Chris Berman yell “BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK GONE!” before his retirement.
Millions of fans collectively mourned today as they realized they would never again hear Berman’s hilarious and not-at-all worn-out catch phrases in the home run derby after tonight’s event. Further depression sank in when they realized Berman would no longer be providing his entertaining collection of home spun nicknames and nonsensical noises during the upcoming football season as well.
I wouldn’t go down that road.
Well hello young fellas, what can I do for you this fine summer afternoon? Care for a glass of sweet tea? Maybe sit on my porch for a spell, catch your breath and your bearings, you all look like you’ve traveled many miles.
No? Well what can I do to help you? I don’t have much, just a simple man with a simple way of life, working the land and doing the best I can to keep my family afloat.
Philadelphia, PA – Despite being relatively inactive during the free agency period so far, 76ers representatives were happy to announce this morning that they had come to an agreement on a max-deal with one of the organization’s most productive and exciting young talents.
The 76ers and Sharice from the Broad Street Carvery station in section 120 agreed to a 5-year, $15 an hour max contract that will keep the 59-year-old mother of two carving meat with the 76ers until 2021.
Rio de Janiero, Brazil – With more reports of dead bodies washing up on the shores of Rio just weeks before the 2016 Olympics, the International Olympic Committee confirmed the corpses are now officially the largest contingency to send athletes to the games.
The dead have now sent nearly 1,000 representatives to compete in the Olympics, most of whom have already washed up on the beaches of Rio, ready and raring to get started.
Several experts have already declared the corpses to have a significant edge in many of the water based events, as their bloated, gas filled bodies create “superior buoyancy” and have “little, if any fear” of the rampant filth and disease that has forced elite athletes to pull out of the games.
