Philadelphia

Just sit back and enjoy each 76ers loss, the most entertaining team in the city

I’ve watched 16 minutes of the first period of the Flyers game against the Edmonton Oilers, who are 4-8, and have outshot the Flyers by 16-2 so far.

The Eagles are so bad this season the fan base practically begged the Eagles to seriously consider parting ways with draft picks to trade for Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick was benched this week in favor of backup QB Blaine Gabbert, the very same Blaine Gabbert who has thrown more interceptions in his professional career than touchdowns.

They want him to replace Sam Bradford. Bradford has the longest sleeves in the NFL. That’s the only positive you can mention about him this season.

It’s going to be a shitty winter. Perhaps Phil Connors said it best, “I’ll give you a winter prediction: It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.”

(more…)

Despite much needed reinforcements, Lebron James’ hairline making a hasty retreat

Philadelphia, PA – Two wars were being waged Monday evening, 76ers fans noted, as Lebron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers came into Philadelphia to take on the 76ers.

As Lebron took on the 76ers at the Wells Fargo Court, his hairline also waged battle against the ravages of age and male pattern baldness.

“What a talent, but he really needs to just give it up and shave his head already,” said Johnathan Ames, who was taking in the game with his young son. “More money than he could ever spend in one lifetime and he has the hairline of an 80 year old man. Really makes you think”

(more…)

Chip Kelly’s new house egged mercilessly for his choice of Halloween treats

Haddonfield, NJ – Less than two weeks after closing on his new home in Haddonfield, Chip Kelly is already facing sharp criticism in his Camden County Community after a number of children decided to egg his home on Halloween evening.

Word on the street in Haddonfield is that children were less than thrilled with what Kelly handed out in lieu of candy for Halloween.

“He’s what, a millionaire and he decides to hand out pennies and spinach smoothies? Come on, the only reason I went to his house was because I thought he’d at least have king size candy bars or something,” said Timothy Greene, 12, of Haddonfield, who was not surprised at the outcome. “My dad says he’s stealing millions of dollars from the team, so couldn’t he have at least used that for some candy? He got what he deserved.”

(more…)

Seize this opportunity, about-to-be-laid-off employees of the Inquirer and Daily News

The newsrooms of the Philadelphia Inquirer, Daily News and Philly.com are going to combine as part of a restructuring of the parent company, Philadelphia Media Network. Layoffs will be happening in all branches of the company, representatives reported, which is a shame because some talented reporters will be losing their jobs.

But fret not! The Coggin Toboggan, the fastest growing Philadelphia sports satire news site in South Jersey, is open to bringing in SEVERAL new writers to contribute to our brand of accurate and award winning journalism.

We’re looking for only the best, the brightest, and the most professional reporters in the area to contribute articles for our publication.

(more…)

Chip Kelly monitoring Eagles during bye week with state-of-the-art ball and chain technology

Philadelphia, PA – Ever the innovator, Chip Kelly is adding a new piece to his ever growing bag of tricks to improve his athletes’ performance on and off the field.

In addition to personally designed health smoothies, bedtime curfews, and internal health monitors, Kelly announced each member of the roster would be receiving a 45-pound ball and chain for the bye week.

“Wearing this new piece of technology is mandatory for each member of the roster. We give our players leeway to be grown men and we trust them to make smart decisions, but this will ensure they behave during the off week,” Kelly said.

(more…)

Temple Owls vs. Notre Dame Fighting Irish: A breakdown for the ages

The Coggin Toboggan prides itself on its ability to breakdown upcoming match-ups and give our readers the best in sports analysis. With the Eagles on a bye this weekend, the city is buzzing about the upcoming Temple versus Notre Dame game on Saturday night at 8 p.m.

So who has the edge? The Owls are ranked 21st in the country and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish are ranked 9th, with the upstart Owls finding themselves on the national stage for the first time in decades. Are the Owls hungry enough to topple the perennial powerhouse that is Notre Dame? It’s a traditional David vs. Goliath match-up, so the the only acceptable way to predict a winner is to decide if an Owl could beat a leprechaun in a fight.

This type of professional sports analysis may be hard to follow for casual fans, so if you’re finding yourself confused at some of the technical jargon and in-depth analysis, maybe go read one of our more low-brow articles.

(more…)

Hinkie congratulates Okafor on fabulous debut, trades him to New York

Boston, Mass – Jahlil Okafor had his coming out party last night, scoring 26 points and snatching 7 rebounds in a 95-112 loss to the Boston Celtics, showcasing the offensive prowess that attracted so many teams to him in the NBA Draft.

76ers GM Sam Hinkie addressed the media after the game and was over the moon about Okafor’s performance.

“Jahlil showed everyone tonight why he had so much attention going into the 2015 draft. He absolutely dominated the low post and the center of the floor tonight, he was everything we expected and much, much more,” the beaming Hinkie said. “Which is why this next announcement is so hard for us to make.”

Hinkie revealed the 76ers traded Okafor after the game to the New York Knicks for center Lou Amundson and a second round pick in 2017.

(more…)

Greg Hardy thanks Stephen A. Smith for his support, pummels him atop pile of guns

All around good guy Greg Hardy.

Dallas, Texas – Controversial Dallas Cowboys defensive end found an ally with ESPN football analyst Stephen A. Smith Tuesday afternoon, as Smith publicly stated his support for Hardy and his role in a sideline scuffle with a Cowboys special teams coach.

Hardy, who was suspended the first four games of the season due to allegedly beating his girlfriend last year, thanked Smith for his support before picking him up over his head and callously tossing him down onto a pile of handguns and assault rifles.

“It’s nice to have someone on my side when so many people have me pegged as a thug and a miscreant,” Hardy said from his home as he rained blows down upon Smith, who was cowering atop the pile of deadly weapons. “I’d like to thank Stephen for his candor and not screaming for help loudly enough for my neighbors to hear this.”

(more…)

BREAKING NEWS: Furkan Aldemir will not leave 76ers practice facility

Philadelphia, PA – Rumors coming out of the 76ers front office today are claiming that recently cut Turkish athlete Furkan Aldemir will not leave the practice facility and has shown up for team meetings as if nothing has happened.

Aldemir showed up this morning as his confused teammates looked on, pulling an obviously homemade 76ers practice jersey over his head as he stood directly behind his old locker, which was now occupied by rookie forward Christian Wood.

“He just kind of showed up and everyone went silent. He was shaking hands with everyone as he laced up his sneakers and pulled on a jersey that said ‘Philadelfia basketbal 76erz’. He obviously made it last night, it definitely is not official. I guess he forgot he was cut? I don’t know, I’m not telling him.” the nervous Wood said after Aldemir went to use the restroom before practice.

Wood told reporters he found several scimitars, a silver carafe filled with a foreign looking bubbling substance, and several pelts of unknown animals left behind in Aldemir’s locker.

(more…)

‘I’m good to go,’ Michael Raffl declares from coma

Philadelphia, PA – Michael Raffl, who momentarily passed out on the Flyers bench Saturday night after taking an elbow directly to the jaw, has declared through a series of hand squeezes that he should be good to go for Tuesday night’s game against the Buffalo Sabres.

“Great news about Raffl. Using the classic one squeeze for yes, two squeeze for no code, we have deduced Raffl should be in the lineup this evening,” Flyers General Manager Ron Hextall said. “It’s amazing he didn’t even have a concussion.”

Raffl took an elbow directly to the jaw Saturday night during a play near the boards against the New York Rangers. The forward woozily made his way back to the Flyers bench, before collapsing and passing out. Play was halted as trainers frantically escorted the dazed and confused Raffl back to the locker room.

(more…)