Philadelphia, PA – A stiff and sweaty Howie Roseman has successfully gotten his office chair up to the fourth floor at Lincoln Financial Field, after being told by owner Jeffrey Lurie that he would again be involved in player development following the termination of head coach Chip Kelly.
Sources have confirmed Roseman began the journey around 10:30 a.m. this morning, slowly rolling the chair up the long ramps of the deserted stadium, stopping numerous times to wipe sweat from his pasty brow.
Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps frustrated at being stymied for a comment by Chip Kelly’s girlfriend at their Haddonfield home, Les Bowen is currently sitting inside a stiflingly hot and stuffy wooden crate that is en route to Kelly’s house.
The veteran reporter was denied entrance into Kelly’s home last night and could not get a comment from the recently fired head coach.
A fuming Bowen reportedly came up with the ill-advised scheme early this morning after downing a fifth of Jim Bean. He forced his Daily News co-workers to stuff him inside the crate and have it immediately shipped to Kelly’s home.
Several co-workers balked at Bowen’s request to be “greased up” before squeezing into the crate.
What a prankster!
Philadelphia, PA – Following the bombshell tonight that Eagles Head Coach Chip Kelly had been fired, rumors are slowly trickling in that make the personnel decision more clear.
To perhaps stem the rumor mill, Eagles Owner Jeffrey Lurie had confirmed reports that Kelly was fired for making several harassing and patently unoriginal prank phone calls to Lurie in the past two weeks.
The Coggin Toboggan has acquired a copy of Tony Wroten’s letter to Santa Claus, which the recently cut point-guard allegedly mailed to Santa in early December.
It looks as if Jolly Old Saint Nick answered Tony’s Christmas wish.
Children around the world have taken delight in the knowledge that this letter PROVES beyond a shadow of a doubt that Santa Claus does exist.
The brief letter is after the jump:
Philadelphia, PA – As both teams are out of contention for the playoffs and no unnecessary injuries are needed in the final game of the season, head coaches Chip Kelly and Tom Coughlin agreed to play under “rough touch” rules.
No tackling to the ground will be allowed for the final, utterly pointless game between the two horrendously underachieving teams.
I would say we are, yes.
2015 is the worst year I can remember experiencing in this city. The Phillies lose close to 100 games, the Eagles miss out on the playoffs with one of the most HATEABLE rosters in franchise history, the 76ers are historically terrible, and the Flyers are far and away the only bright spot in the city and they’re three games over .500.
It has not been a great year for sports in this city.
Well it’s Christmas. While most of you are opening presents around the tree and roasting chestnuts on an open fire, take a minute to think about those of us who may not have chestnuts and have taken to eating wet walnuts under a bridge in South Jersey somewhere.
Yes it’s Christmas, and that means I’m much too lazy to actually write something of substance. If you’re like me, right about now you’re arguing with family members about wrongs of Christmas past and you’re ready to throw ALL of the presents you’ve bought into a local reservoir to show them you really mean business.
We don’t ask for much, we really don’t. Day in and day out we give you award winning, HILARIOUS takes on Philadelphia sports and nonsense that makes this stinktown of a city so much fun to be around.
So you know what you can do for us before the year is out? No no, money isn’t necessary. Put away your wallets and open up your hearts to a miracle.
If you like us, if you really want to make us happy and have us stick around for another year and stop looking at the loaded gun on our desk lovingly, then go vote for us for the FIRST ANNUAL EAGLES AWARDS 2015.
Pick us for one of the categories and send in your votes. You need a Gmail account to cast a vote, so go sign up. Hell, sign up multiple accounts and stuff the ballot box, we’re certainly not above cheating.
In fact, I insist you cheat.
Here’s the link:
http://philadehliaeagles.com/eagles-twitter-awards/
Go vote for us. Remember, we’ve brought you such fabulous Eagles articles in the past year as these:
Reports from Eagles practice describe “Incredible Freakout” by Les Bowen.
Eagles Marcus Smith gaining confidence he can successfully qualify for unemployment benefits.
Sam Bradford wows during iron lung drills at Philadelphia Eagles OTAs.
“I’VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT IT.” – Frank Costanza.
How, oh how could we have forgotten the most fun part of Festivus, the Airing of Grievances? The popular holiday, created by Frank Costanza who was tired of the commercialism and religious aspects of Christmas, urges followers to let loved ones know all of the ways they have disappointed them in the past year.
Philadelphia, PA – As a result of several Carolina Panthers menacingly wielding a bat toward New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. this past weekend, the NFL has banned all accessories and non-essential items during pre-game warmups.
The ban has negatively affected several member of the Eagles. Sam Bradford, for one, typically walked out onto the field during warmups using a pair of crutches.
The Coggin Toboggan 