Philadelphia

Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

I guess being so poor at picking games is softened by this country slowly moving down a conveyor belt hovering over rapidly spinning thresher blades. It’s only a matter of time, people, before we see the four horsemen of the apocalypse riding roughshod through the sky. IT’S THE END OF DAYS, REPENT, REPENT FOR ALL YOUR WORTH YOU NONBELIEVERS.

But hey, Eagles this weekend! Eagles! 4-4 and teetering on the edge of the volcano with the high-powered Falcons offense coming to town. What’s a conservative estimate for Julio Jones’s performance this Sunday? 180 yards and 2 touchdowns? I’ll consider it a victory for the Eagles horrendous secondary if he stays under 200 yards receiving.

Anyways, somehow this game is a pick-em. I figure we’d reach out to someone who is on Cloud 9 after Donald’s big victory this week to give us his prediction for the Eagles game at 1 p.m. on Sunday.

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It’s official, the Eagles are worse than the stomach flu
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The face that launched a thousand buckets of puke yesterday.

My kid has had the stomach flu since Wednesday. This house has been filled with puke, shit, tears, and all sorts of horrendous bodily fluids since early last week, some of them even from him.

Whether or not the puking/shitting was caused by him actually watching the first quarter of the game with me is yet to be determined.

Good LORD that was terrible. Doug Pederson basically had a stroke on the sidelines and decided to leave 6-points on the field in a crucial NFC East game and now the Eagles are where they belong, in the mother fucking basement.

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

Barfffffffff. Well, at least our guest picker got ONE prediction right last week, as Tony Romo correctly predicted the Cowboys would beat the Eagles, but the Eagles would not cover the spread.

You know Dak Prescott would have predicted the Cowboys would have beaten the Eagles AND covered the spread. What? I’m just saying is all, not trying to create any undue controversy with the Cowboys.

This week, the Eagles (+2.5) are going up the Turnpike to take on the hated New York Giants and their cast of unlikable wide receivers. You’d better believe Mike Missanelli has his Twitter account primed and ready to fire off any number of offensive tweets when Victor Cruz suffers another season ending injury.  I’m sure he’ll try to interject some crude racial humor in a “jokey tweet” and then blame it on being Italian.

“Ehhhhhh come on now! Dats just like a my momma used to tweet, I know-a-no better den that! Mama Mia, I am in some a trouble.”

Can’t wait.

Win/loss prediction results: 3-4

Against the spread: 3-4

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Josh Huff dropped a “Do you know who I am?” on his arresting officer

b80e8530Eagles wide receiver Josh Huff was arrested for allegedly speeding on the Walt Whitman Bridge with marijuana and a handgun this past night and faces stiff penalties from the city.

The city police report, obtained by the Coggin Toboggan, cited that the arresting officer was going to let Huff go on a warning, but was perturbed when the athlete dropped a “Do you know who I am?” while he was being detained.

“I was set to release Mr. Huff on his own recognizance after declaring he was not a danger to himself or anyone in the area, but Mr. Huff became perturbed at my perceived mistreatment and asked me if I ‘knew who he was’ during the arrest,” The arresting officer said in the report.

Upon recognize the underachieving wide receiver, the arresting officer immediately placed Huff place in handcuffs, slammed into the hood of the police car, arrested and now faces 45-years to life in a state penitentiary if found guilty of drug and hand gun possession.

An Eagles team representative said the potential jail time is “tough, but fair,” and the organization would not be providing Huff with a lawyer.

Oh great, a 63-year-old Terrell Owens is available for the Eagles

terrell-owensThe Eagles are not going to make a trade for Alshon Jeffery or Brandon Marshall. Let’s get that out of the way right now. It’s not going to happen.

Torrey Smith might be a more apt target for Howie to acquire, but is he going to propel Philadelphia to the Super Bowl? I doubt it.

So what’s left? Oh lovely, Terrell Owens, 63 -years-old, just said he’s available and willing to come out of retirement and play for the Eagles. He most likely made this statement between his live in assistant feeding him bites of apple mush and aquacize class at the YMCA.

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Wade Phillips handles pressure better than Nelson Agholor
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Cool hat, bro.

Nelson Agholor is dangerously close to wearing his welcome out in Philadelphia. Another week, another series of soul-crushing drops from the city’s most despised wide receiver.

You know what? Nelson doesn’t let it bother him. Nah, why would he? He just brushes off the drops, goes on to run his next route (and probably drop that pass as well), and (most likely) hits up a strip club after the game despite warnings from teammates and franchise officials.

But how DARE anyone ask Nelly about the drops after the game. He doesn’t cotton to that nonsense. Nelly pretty much punched his ticket out of town after the year ends by criticizing a reporter for asking him to address his case of dropsies that has plagued him all year.

Compare Nelly’s reaction to pressure to that of Wade Phillips, 69-year-old defensive coordinator of the Denver Broncos who absolutely got TRUCKED on the sideline of yesterday’s game against the Chargers, who took his lumps with aplomb and good grace.

Let’s compare the results of both Agholor and Phillip’s horrendous days at the office and how they affected the fanbases and teams.

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Who will make our Eagles picks for this week?

Wow…this is why I never bet on football games. The gravy train with biscuit wheels is officially off the tracks. Oh my god we SUCK at making picks for these Eagles games. After a hot start we’ve gotten all four predictions wrong in the past two weeks.

Oh wait, I mean, our guest pickers are terrible at making predictions because these are REAL guests making REAL picks for us.

We are awful.

So this week the Eagles (+4.5) take on the hated Cowboys in a clash of the top two NFC East teams. Dak Prescott welcomes Philadelphia to Arlington and Skip Bayless is already creaming in his jeans to see his crush take on Carson Wentz and the Eagles.

Just admit you want to tenderly kiss Prescott’s neck, Skip, and your life will be so much happier.

Win/loss prediction results: 2-4

Against the spread: 3-3

But who will make our picks this week…it’s Tony Romo! Tony, welcome to the Coggin.

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Elated Gerald Henderson thought MVP chants were for him
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MVP.

Philadelphia, PA – An over the moon Gerald Henderson beamed as he spoke with reporters after the 76ers season opening loss to the Thunder, as the new shooting guard said he could hardly believe the welcome the fans game him and love they showed him throughout last night’s contest.

“You hear things about these fans when you’re not playing in the city, but let me tell you, they’re class acts. Those MVP MVP MVP chants they were giving me last night? I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that,” Henderson said, mistaking the obvious chants directed to new star in the making Joel Embiid as directed at him.

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Keys to the 76ers opener by a local sports anchor just finding out Durant no longer on the Thunder

kevin20durant20golden20state20warriors20-vresize-1200-675-high-17Ohhhhhhh it’s a happy day in Philadelphia for all those 76ers fans, as the Sixers will kick off their 2016-2017 season tonight when they take on Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma Thunder in a real test right out of the gates.

It’s been a long time coming for 76ers fans, as fan favorite Dario Saric and perceived franchise savior Joel Embiid will take to the court to try and shut down the high powered offense of the Thunder, led of course by perennial MVP favorite Kevin Durant and guard Russell Westbrook.

Durant, who received heavy interest this offseason, ultimately chose to re-sign with the Thunder and bring his hefty 27 points per game average back to Oklahoma for another run.

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REPORT: Eagles interested in trade for Alshon Jeffery, all other NFL wide receivers
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Will Alshon Jeffery be a member of the Eagles this year?

Philadelphia, PA – Reports are slowing leaking out of Philadelphia that Eagles GM Howie Roseman may be looking to make a little magic happen before the NFL’s trade deadline on Nov. 1, 4 p.m.

Reports have come into the Coggin Toboggan claiming the Philadelphia Eagles are looking to make a deal to acquire every wide receiver in the NFL and are willing to give up multiple draft picks to do so.

The Eagles are reportedly interested in Alshon Jeffery, Torrey Smith, Odel Beckham Jr., Antonio Brown, Julio Jones, DeAndre Hopkins, AJ Green, Steve Smith Sr., Victor Cruz, Desean Jackson, Demarius Thomas, Pierre Garcon, Will Fuller V, Dez Bryant, Jordy Nelson, Doug Baldwin, Emmanuel Sanders, Terrell Pryor Sr., John Brown, Michael Floyd, Tavon Austin, Kenny Britt, Cody Latimer, Marqise Lee, Larry Fitzgerald, Willie Snead, Golden Tate and several others.

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