Keys to the 76ers opener by a local sports anchor just finding out Durant no longer on the Thunder

kevin20durant20golden20state20warriors20-vresize-1200-675-high-17Ohhhhhhh it’s a happy day in Philadelphia for all those 76ers fans, as the Sixers will kick off their 2016-2017 season tonight when they take on Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma Thunder in a real test right out of the gates.

It’s been a long time coming for 76ers fans, as fan favorite Dario Saric and perceived franchise savior Joel Embiid will take to the court to try and shut down the high powered offense of the Thunder, led of course by perennial MVP favorite Kevin Durant and guard Russell Westbrook.

Durant, who received heavy interest this offseason, ultimately chose to re-sign with the Thunder and bring his hefty 27 points per game average back to Oklahoma for another run.

Let’s take a closer look to see how our boys can stop Durant and hopefully bring a W to the Wells Fargo Center tonight.

::His hands go up to his earpiece and he abruptly stops speaking, smiling nervously::

What? When? This offseason? He signed with someone else? Ha, sorry folks, just a technical glitch here. My producers are telling me that Durant is no longer on the Thunder, which is funny and can’t be true because we went through this entire segment already during the news meeting this afternoon. My entire piece is based on how the 76ers will gameplan to stop Kevin Durant, a current member of the Thunder.

::looks off camera::

Brett, tell me this isn’t true. It is? Well, where did he sign then? The Warriors? This is ridiculous, nobody wanted to tell me? Wait…didn’t the Warriors play last night? How did they do? They lost? Jesus Christ.

Nobody was going to tell me? Just wanted to wait until I got on set, on live air, to make a jackass out of old Todd Langerson during his segment? This is your doing, isn’t it Jeannie? You’ve been after this job for YEARS now and you wanted me to blow up on air, look like a moron.

It’ll be a cold day in hell before you take this sports desk from me, Jeannie, A COLD DAY IN HELL. I know we’re still on the air, damnit, but she needs to hear this. Stick with arts and leisure, hun, and leave the sports to the big boys. I’M TODD LANGERSON, DAMNIT. Todd Langerson of “Todd’s Fabulous Football Picks” every Friday during football season.

You think you can do what I do? You should stick to covering dog shows and pie baking contests, sweetie, because those are the two things you do well, covering  soft news and cramming baked goods into that black hole you call a mouth.

No, no, I’m not going to give my keys to the game anymore, BRETT, because they were all based around limiting Kevin Durant’s explosive scoring ability, playing solid help defense when Durant drove to the basket and pressuring Durant into taking poor shots. Those are some FABULOUS keys to the game, but guess what? Nobody told old Todd that Durant is no longer on the Thunder, so here we are, just floundering around on live television.

Here’s a key to the game for everyone at this station. Go fuck yourselves.

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