Philadelphia

Destructive RT Armageddon wreaks havoc through Philadelphia sports media

tumblr_mou8y9bxwc1sqwnloo1_500The unthinkable happened on Monday afternoon, as a destructive RT Armageddon wreaked havoc through the Philadelphia sports media, cutting swaths of destruction through the flimsy, half-thought out takes from the past.

The Armageddon, which officially rated as an 8.2 on the Eskin scale, crumbled and exposed the worst past opinions on the popular Sam Hinkie “Process” from Philadelphia sports media members.

According to Twitter experts, it was the largest RT Armageddon Philadelphia has experienced since the Andy Reid firing of 2012.

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I hate the 76ers trade for the #1 pick

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Like Robert Johnson at the crossroads, this blog has a life changing decision to make. Which direction does our blog take? Do we take the deal with the devil, or do we forge another path?

This brings us to the reported trade 76ers GM Bryan Colangelo pulled off over the weekend. Giving the Boston Celtics the #3 pick this year and either the 2018 Lakers 1st round pick or the 2019 Sacramento 1st round pick for the #1 overall pick this year and the rights to draft Markelle Fultz?

I hate this trade. Absolutely despise it.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. walks into Phillies clubhouse out of habit, trades Mickey Moniak

Ruben Amaro JrOld habits die hard, just ask former Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr.

Visiting Citizens Bank Park for the first time since being fired as the organization’s general manager, the two sides got a good chuckle out of Amaro Jr. accidentally walking into the Phillies home clubhouse instead of the visitors clubhouse Wednesday night prior to the Phillies home stint with the Boston Red Sox.

“Oops…I don’t think I’ve even been to the visitors clubhouse, my bad guys,” Amaro Jr. said to the amused group of Phillies who were lounging around prior to the game, speaking with members of the media.

“Oh, and someone tell Mickey Moniak I’ve traded him to the Mets for Curtis Granderson. We need some power at the corners and they needed young talent. Should be a win-win.”

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Eagles coaches raving about Marcus Smith’s Uber rating

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Eagles position coaches were buzzing Wednesday morning about recently arrived defensive lineman Marcus Smith, parcticularly in regards to the young man’s 5-star Uber driver rating, claiming he had shown vast improvement already over last year.

When asked to give an assessment of Smith so far, Chris Wilson, the defensive line coach of the Eagles, said Smith’s 1992 Toyota Tercel was “practically spotless” and he “always asks you if there’s a specific route you want him to go, or if he should just use Waze.”

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SCANDAL: Shorr-Parks admits to never attending an Eagles OTA, no journalist has
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Eliot Shorr-Parks is blowing the lid off of a massive Philadelphia sports media scandal.

In a stunning admission this morning on NJ.com, Eagles beat writer Eliot Shorr-Parks published a column apologizing to his readers after he admitted to not attending a single Eagles OTA this season, nor any over his entire journalistic career.

In fact, no sports journalist has ever attended an OTA in the past decade, he claimed.

The veteran journalist admitted to “just hanging out at a bar” for several hours each day with a number of other journalists from various city publications who were supposed to be covering the informal team workouts leading up to July training camp.

“Everything you read about OTAs in any of the newspapers in this city? All made up. Nobody actually goes to them, who would do that?” he wrote in a column published on NJ.com this morning. “We tried to cover them at first, but they’re so boring. Athletes running around in their shorts, playing catch? You try to crank out 1,000 words a day on that bullshit.”

“Where do they even hold OTAs anyways? Clearwater? No, that’s baseball…umm….Lehigh Valley? That sounds about right.”

Shorr-Parks decided to come clean this year, though, claiming he was feeling guilty about lying to his readers.

However, it’s believed he was forced to admit to his scam after accidentally publishing a screen shot from the NES classic “Tecmo Super Bowl” on his Twitter account over the weekend and trying to pass it off as action from OTAs.

“QB Eagles looks great this year! Really working hard on his touchdown celebrations,” Shorr-Parks wrote under the published photo.

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Former PHL 17 reporter Colleen Campbell named official bartender of Coggin Toboggan
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Photo credit: Philly Mag

When god closes a door, he also opens a window.

Disgraced former PHL 17 reporter Colleen Campbell has landed on her feet after being fired from the local media station yesterday after an expletive laden tirade against a Philadelphia Police Officer outside of Helium Comedy Club made the rounds on social media Tuesday.

Sure she humiliated herself and only invited further embarrassment after issuing a strange non-apology in an interview with Philly Mag, in which she claimed to only have “one drink” during the evening, but changed the amount to “one margarita, two shots, and two drinks at Helium” by the end of the interview.

But you know what, who’s counting?! It’s not a bartender’s job to judge, that’s the Lords.

Colleen will have to lean heavily on her secondary bartending career to make ends meet, so we reached out to the embattled reporter and offered her the position of Official Bartender at the Coggin Toboggan offices.

She’s perfect for the position. Ask her for one drink, she may end up giving you FIVE. What an employee! Plus, she’s hilarious, I can only imagine how she’ll keep the office in stitches with her raunchy one-liners about “those fucks” at the Philadelphia Police Department. I’m laughing just thinking about her shoe-smelling bit…what a card!

She never did get back to us, but we can only assume she was so taken aback by our generous offer that she needed a few days to recover.

Besides, Colleen you don’t want to miss our upcoming company get together, we’re seeing Mitch Fatel perform at Helium Comedy Club on June 22! It should be a great show and I hear they’re offering 50% off on all drinks

Sign our petition and let’s do some good for the City of Philadelphia!
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Philadelphia is a great city, but it can always be a little better with our help!

SIGN OUR PETITION TO HAVE MIKE MISSANELLI STUFFED IN A BURLAP SACK AND DUMPED OUTSIDE OF THE CITY LIMITS RIGHT HERE!

If you missed it last week, 97.5 The Fanatic created a petition to keep the NFL draft in Philadelphia for 2018. The petition gained thousands of signatures from eager Philadelphians who wanted to keep the great event in the City of Brotherly Love for another year.

Even cynics like us, who have spent their fair share of time criticizing the station and its radio hosts, signed the petition. Why did we sign it? Well, when we see something that is good for the city, something that will benefit all of Philadelphia, we have to support it.

See? Here’s proof that we signed the 97.5 Fanatic petition to keep the draft in Philadelphia.

But we figured that as good as Philadelphia is, as great as this city has been to us, it can always be a little better thanks to people who care. So we came up with an idea that we think will really make this city a better place to live, work, and raise a family!

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Local father threatens disobedient child with possibility of going to a Phillies game

Philadelphia_PhilliesAn exasperated father warned his daughter this morning that if she didn’t behave herself he would be forced to take her to tonight’s Phillies game.

Charles Grandowitz, 42, of Cherry Hill, issued the threat to his daughter, Kaylee, 8, after she ignored his request to empty the dishwasher and clean her room.

“Kaylee, so help me, if you don’t get those done like I asked you to by noon today, we’re going to go to that Phillies game tonight, I can promise you that,” Grandowitz said in a menacing tone as his daughter watched television.

“I’ll march you right to that car, drive half an hour into the city, and make you sit there for the entire nine innings. And for what, to see the likes of Cameron Rupp and Howie Kendrick? I promise you, that’s what I’ll do if it teaches you a lesson.”

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Sputtering, soaked Angelo Cataldi drags self out of ocean after Memorial Day Weekend

012814_angelo_600A soaked and shivering Angelo Cataldi heaved himself out of the Ocean City surf on Sunday evening after concerned beach goers rolled the napping sports talk host into the water to “keep him wet” after fearing he had beached himself.

The 66-year-old 94 WIP sports talk host visited the popular Jersey shore location for Memorial Day Weekend and savored a beach visit during the brisk day. After his wife reportedly left their location for a long walk, the behemoth quickly fell asleep before being noticed by a number of concerned tourists.

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LaVar Ball workout possible for 76ers, sources say

lavar-ballCoggin Toboggan sources have noted that LaVar Ball, father of NBA prospect Lonzo Ball, is reportedly open to working out for the 76ers prior to the NBA draft.

The announcement came as a surprise, as just a week earlier Ball had promised he would only workout for the Los Angeles Lakers and had already declined a workout with the Boston Celtics.

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