Philadelphia

SHOCKING: Rhys Hoskins, newest Phillies call-up, can’t recall Eagles 2016 record

 

MiLB: JUL 26 Florida State League - Bradenton Marauders at Clearwater Threshers

Rhys Hoskins is already in hot water with Philadelphia (photo credit: MLB.com)

The Rhys Hoskins era is already off to a tenuous start in Philadelphia.

The eagerly anticipated Phillies call-up fielded questions from reporters this morning, but the first baseman/left fielder found himself in hot water after failing to correctly answer a fluff question from Phillies field reporter Gregg Murphy about the 2016 Eagles record.

“The Eagles start their preseason tonight against the Green Bay Packers, how do you think they’ll do this year?” Murph casually asked the 24-year-old slugger prior to his first organized practice with the team.

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Maybe the Phillies should rethink inducting alleged child molester Pete Rose to the Wall of Fame?
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(Photo credit: NY Daily News)

Now, I may not know a whole lot, but don’t people usually not enjoy being around alleged child molesters? I know for a fact that child molesters aren’t usually inducted into Wall’s of Fame (unless they’re child molesting wall’s of fame, the least popular type of wall) in front of 20,000 shocked, silent fans.

So maybe the Phillies should rethink this one, huh?

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Angelo Cataldi pimps out CBS3’s Meisha Johnson on Morning Show

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If there’s one thing I know about attractive young women, it’s that they desperately need fat, ugly old men to help them find love in this world.

The skeeviest man in Philadelphia is playing matchmaker this morning with CBS3 anchor/reporter Meisha Johnson, solidifying his legacy as he winds down a legendary career of mild sexual harassment and chicken wing eating contests.

Jowls all a flutter with anticipation, Cataldi tweeted this out at the beginning of the Morning Show.

https://twitter.com/AngeloCataldi/status/890150523969691648

Sorry Meisha, but I can 100% guarantee you will not find the perfect man if he’s calling into a sports talk radio show at 6 a.m.

I’d check those microphones if I were you, Meisha. Is the show even being recorded? I wouldn’t put it past Cataldi to pull a stunt to get you in studio for hours. If he locks the doors for “security reasons” I’d immediately call 911 and go for his eyes. Gouge away, Meisha, it’s your only chance at escape.

Philadelphia’s finest pitched some woo at Meisha in the responses to Cataldi’s tweet. Let’s rank their chances at love with Meisha after the jump:

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Eagles veterans scaring rookies with training camp tales of haunted smoothie machine

jason20petersIn what has become a training camp tradition, several of the older Eagles veterans gathered the rookies around a roaring campfire on the first day of camp and filled their heads with horrifying visages of a haunted, vengeful smoothie machine that terrorized the roster “three years ago on this very day.”

“I was on the team three years ago when it happened. Strange things, weird things, horrifying things went down in this very facility,” Jason Peters told the rookie attendees. “You’d hear weird things at night…horrible fruits and vegetables being juiced and ethereal concoctions being created for the unfortunate souls it could catch. I saw it, you know, right over there in the commissary one night, pulverizing an entire bushel of carrots like it was nothing.”

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OJ Simpson pitches Naked Gun sequel after being granted parole

mte5ndg0mdu1mti5ndu4mtkxFathers lock up your daughters, the Juice is back, baby! After nine long years the truth has finally set me free! The Juice is back to rap at you for a few minutes, but for the first time I’m writing a column as a FREE MAN!

It’s been too long. I can’t wait to get back out there, hit the links, maybe set myself up for another career with Hertz as their spokesman. You remember that one, right? Run OJ, run! Oh, commercials had writers back then, you could never think of a slogan like that anymore.

But it got me thinking….I’m out now, I’m a free man, free to roam the dark streets at night, pursue my romantic interests, but I need to find a new way for myself. I need a career, I need to support myself both financially and artistically.

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Colin Kaepernick shouldn’t cut his afro, but he should start a dog fighting ring
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(Photo credit: sportingnews.com)

Hey Colin Kaepernick, do you really want to get back into the NFL? Are you looking for a solution that will bring you back into the good graces of NFL owners?

Forget about cutting your afro, it’s not just about your hair.  You have to go all in and start a dog fighting ring if you want to be brought back into the National Football League.

You’ve got to be like Mike, Kaep. You need to follow the Michael Vick reclamation program if you ever want to play in the NFL again.

Forget about raising $1 million for charity, that’s not getting you anywhere. Meals on Wheels donations? Fuck em’. You need to go all in like Michael Vick, round up as many dogs as you can get your hands on, and organize the most violent, sophisticated dog-fighting ring that this country has ever seen.

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Balloon-obsessed oddball wants to trade you balloon Embiid for some “tools”
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Sup’

Here’s a great idea that definitely won’t end up with you begging for the sweet release of death in a murder dungeon…show up to this guy’s house with a brand new miter saw and trade it for Balloon Joel Embiid.

A gentleman who describes himself as a “balloon prodigy” posted an ad on Craigslist over the weekend to lure an unsuspecting 76ers fan into his home with power tools for the chance to trade for what he describes as a “life-sized balloon sculpture” of Joel Embiid.

Here’s what his ad says:

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A Phillies ticket waiting list could generate millions in revenue for the franchise

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Earlier this week the 76ers instituted a new “Club 76” waiting list and a tiered membership program for fans clamoring to buy season tickets. The highest tiered program allows fans to pay a fee of $76 to jump those not in Club 76 in the waiting list for season tickets.

The program has ruffled some feathers in the city, but the Phillies should take note of their across the street neighbors and create a waiting list of their own. Charge a fee, and  revenue will roll in hand over first for the franchise.

Seem unlikely? Hear me out. This is a billion dollar idea I’m giving away for FREE…if I don’t receive a phone call from one of the 953 owners of the Phillies I’ll be very insulted.

We’ll call it “Club 10,799”. Fans pay a nominal fee of $200 to join. Seem steep? Wait until you see what benefits a club membership gives you access too.

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Larsen C ice shelf commits suicide after overhearing 97.5 Fanatic segment on Carson Wentz and religion

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An ice shelf the size of Delaware broke itself off from Antarctica yesterday, scientists at the Swansea University-led Midas project confirmed, releasing a gigantic iceberg twice the size of Luxembourg into the surround waters.

Theories of the ice shelf’s disintegration over the past decades have been discussed leading global representatives, but the Swansea University Midas project scientists confirmed this morning that the shelf purposefully broke itself off the frigid continent after overhearing an asinine sports talk segment from the local Philadelphia 97.5 the Fanatic sports talk station.

The environmental disaster has been placed firmly at the feet of 97.5 the Fanatic, its midday host Mike Missanelli, and it’s poor choice of show programming.

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Donald Trump Jr. releases email chain decrying Joel Embiid as “elite prospect”

gettyimages-646335232Donald Trump Jr. has found himself in hot water this morning after he released a four-page email chain in which the son of President Donald Trump apparently discussed the “overblown hype” the media had bestowed on uber-popular 76ers center Joel Embiid.

Trump Jr. discussed the delicate subject matter with a Russian contact direct after the NBA draft last month.

Trump Jr. released the following statement on his twitter account after several media outlets published stories alluding to his damning conversation about the transcendent talent that will elevate the 76ers to glorious heights the likes of which 76ers fans have never seen:

“To everyone, in order to be transparent, I am releasing the entire chain of emails I had with Ron Goldstone on June 23, 2017, a day after the NBA draft, who was relating a request from Emin, a person I knew from the 2013 Russian Basketball Super League 1, who offered to provide me with crucial analytical evidence that proved Joel Embiid did not deserve to win the NBA rookie of the year award and would be a middling center for the Philadelphia 76ers.”

The emails are included after the jump:

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