Philadelphia Phillies

Classic overreaction on its way…

tumblr_mou8y9bxwc1sqwnloo1_500Well that’s it. It was fun while it lasted. Carson Wentz is officially a bust and the Eagles are a bunch of frauds. Sure they’re 3-2, but they’ll probably lose out for the rest of the season and finish 3-13. WE’RE BACK TO THE DARK DAYS, PEOPLE. Get down on your knees and pray to the God of your choice, because nothing is going to help us now.

I’m not in Philadelphia, but I’m sure Angelo Cataldi has already had multiple on air heart attacks and a debilitating stroke about the Eagles loss. Did he try and blame Malcolm Jenkins for DARING to raise his hand during the National Anthem a few weeks ago? I’m sure he did.

It’s all over people. It was a good few weeks wasn’t it? We were all feeling great about the Eagles, feeling our oats, crowing about our franchise QB….now we lose to a team with a racist name who didn’t even have their best player on offense.

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Disappointed Ryan Howard definitely expected a car

iPhiladelphia, PA – Ryan Howard, the last member of the 2008 World Series roster, bade farewell to the fans and the organization yesterday in what was his last game in a Phillies uniform.

The Phillies honored their beloved slugger prior to the start of yesterday’s game, allowing a tearful Howard to address the crowd.

“It’s amazing, the appreciation from the organization and the fans,” Howard said. “To have it recognized, it’ll live with me forever.”

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Chase Utley really fucks the Phillies the right way
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The man.

Los Angeles, Calif. – Chase Utley, a man of few words who lets his actions do the talking, really fucked the Phillies the right way last night in front of thousands of Dodgers fans and Phillies fans on television.

Not known for his flashy style, the gritty second baseman lashed a home run to right field in his first game against his old team. While it may have been tempting to flaunt his success and rub his good fortune in the face of the franchise that traded him away, Utley simply kept his head down while he fucked the Phillies long and deep.

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Jeremy Hellickson talks trade concerns, which teams he would accept in a deal
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Hellickson knows he could be traded to a new team fairly soon.

Philadelphia, PA – Fresh off a sparking eight-inning, shutout start against the Miami Marlins, Phillies pitcher Jeremy Hellickson acknowledged today that he may be traded to a contender but would only accept a deal to a team that could forward his career.

Hellickson said he has enjoyed his time with the Phillies, but would welcome a change if the fit was right.

“If I’m traded, I want it to be on my terms to a team that can help my career in the long run,” Hellickson told reporters this morning.

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Gotta go BACK IN TIME!

curt-schilling1Yesterday on Twitter, Curt Schilling decided to get political. I know what you’re thinking, you can’t believe this usually even keeled and open minded ex-Phillies pitcher decided to share his political views on the public site.

But to your surprise, and to ours, he decided to let a few opinions be known about Hillary Clinton.

To be fair, we did goad him into it.

Honestly, it didn’t take that much goading. He’s got 159,000 followers, he must look at his twitter nonstop to jump into political fights. By our second tweet he should have known we were just kidding at this point.

And then he never did answer our last question.

If you had told me when I was 10-years-old that in 23 years I would actually be speaking with Curt Schilling on the computer, my brain would have imploded on itself. Me, being yelled at on the computer by the best pitcher in the 1993 Phillies rotation, it would have just been too much.

Well, the only person who is fit to let my past self know about these turns of events is me…so lets hop into the Delorian, kick it up to 88 miles per hour, and get ready to see some serious shit. Here we go.

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Point/Counterpoint: The Ryan Howard incident

POINT: I’ve done so much for this city.

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Point columnist: Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard.

What happened this weekend was an absolute atrocity. I will be the first to admit (and I have admitted to the fact) that I have not played well this season. I understand the fan’s frustration, because I am extremely frustrated with myself as well. But to have a fan callously throw a beer bottle at me during Saturday’s game was just atrocious.

When fans feel it necessary to engage themselves in such dangerous behavior, it makes me wonder if they remember all that I did for this city?

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Joining Twitter the classiest thing Lenny Dykstra has done in years

031113_dykstra_600Lenny Dykstra, famed member of the 1993 Philadelphia Phillies that stole the heart of the city on their fabled run to the Word Series, joined Twitter yesterday in what was certainly the classiest course of action he’s taken in years.

Twitter, a festering breeding ground of casual racism, sexism, trolling, death threats, and general toxicity will likely be right up the alley of the man known as “Nails,” who has long cultivated an attitude of prickishness after his playing days were finalized in the 90s.

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Ryan Howard figures 1 more year of stealing sunflower seeds, Bazooka Joe should just about do it
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Coming to grips with the end of a career filled with success, stealing items from the Phillies.

Clearwater, Fla – Coming to grips with reality that his best years are behind him, Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard expressed his tremendous gratitude to the Phillies for allowing him another season in the sun and an opportunity to hoard barrels of free sunflower seeds and Bazooka Joe gum.

The 11-year veteran had a smile on his face as he participated in a spirited round of pepper with his teammates, the sun on his face, and a cheek filled to the brim with Ranch flavored sunflower seeds.

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BREAKING: Ruben Amaro Jr. causes massive security incident after being fired
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Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Philadelphia, PA – A number of police officers swarmed to Citizens Bank Park earlier this afternoon when front office officials called the authorities after former GM Ruben Amaro Jr. locked himself in his office and was actively trying to trade away several pieces of the roster before leaving the premises.

Phillies Executive Andy Macphail met with the media as police officers dragged the kicking and screaming Amaro Jr. from his office before forcibly ejected him from Citizens Bank Park. Several members of the Philadelphia Fire Department had been summoned to the stadium and had to chop down Amaro Jr.’s door to allow police officers entrance.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. dominates this year’s “Shitties” ceremony

rubenSouth Los Angeles, Calif. – Perhaps validating one of the most troubled years of his career as a front office representative for the Philadelphia Phillies, Ruben Amaro Jr. won six “Shittie” awards, a competing sports award show held on the same evening as the ESPN “Espy” awards.

The ceremony took place at a YMCA in South Los Angeles from 3 to 5 p.m. yesterday, with some of the most well known names in sports in attendance. Hosted by Bill Cosby, sports dignitaries such as Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson and Tiger Woods all received “Shitties” for their accomplishments this past year.

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