Philadelphia Eagles

Former Eagles quarterback Tim Tebow converts to Judaism

RT_tim_tebow_140321_16x9_608Philadelphia, PA – Citing a need for a change in his life after the latest setback to his professional football career, formerly devout follower of the Catholic faith Tim Tebow decided it was time for a new chapter in his life and completed his conversion to Judaism late Wednesday evening.

The embattled professional athlete said it was definitely for the best.

“Let’s be honest, I wasn’t doing so hot as a Catholic. Sure I had a good run there for a few years, honored my mother, kept a few commandments holy, gave up soda a few times for lent….but where did it get me? Cut by the Eagles and out of football. Where’s your messiah now, Moses?” Tebow asked a group of reporters.

(more…)

Patriots forced to release Donovan McNabb puking blooper reel

mcnabbPhiladelphia, PA – After ESPN released a massive, hard hitting story on Tuesday afternoon detailing the scope of the New England Patriots alleged efforts to cheat from 2000 to 2007, illegal videos taped by Patriots employees have started to surface as the investigation digs deeper.

Despite multiple fan and player accounts accusing the Patriots of stealing Eagles signals during the 2004 Super Bowl, no such videos or evidence have yet to surface.

However, a Kraft Productions video tape of the Eagles during the Super Bowl did surface yesterday and has brought the city down to its core.

Entitled, “Donovan McNabb Super Bowl Puke-a-Rama,” the two-and-a-half minute, professionally edited video shows new angles confirming the Eagles quarterback puking during the fourth quarter of the Eagles comeback attempt.

(more…)

Crazy Tolly’s Super Bowl blow out announced today
20150118-Tolly-Tollefson

……not crazy.

Hey folks! It’s me! Crazy Tolly and I’ve got a HELL of an announcement for you folks! Did you see our beloved Eagles destroy the Packers on Saturday night? I wasn’t able to see it, but I did hear updates from the TV in the warden’s office from my cell block, but let me tell you they sounded FABULOUS in victory!

I’m haunted by the winds of my ancestors and the screams of the land at every moment. They don’t let me sleep, I tell you, they don’t let me sleep!

Well I’m announcing the first ever Crazy Tolly’s Super Bowl Blow Out!

(more…)

Michael Vick thrilled to not be the most detested quarterback on roster

Michael+Vick+Close+UpPittsburgh, PA – Minutes after signing a one-year deal with the Pittsburgh Steelers, Michael Vick pointed a finger skyward and thanked God he could finally blend into the roster and not be the most hated member of a professional football organization.

Vick, of course, pled guilty in 2007 for his role in the Bad Newz Kennels dog fighting scandal. The kennel had over 70 dogs seized in a massive search of Vick’s sprawling estate by local, state and federal authorities.

Vick was given a second chance in the league when signed by the Philadelphia Eagles in 2009. Protestors and critics followed Vick to New York City for his stint with the Jets, lambasting the organizations for signing the controversial figure.

All of that was whisked away when he signed a one-year deal Tuesday afternoon with the Pittsburgh Steelers.

ESPN NFL analyst John Clayton said the signing “is great for Michael Vick, but I’m not so sure what the Steelers are getting out of this.”

“Basically, let me put it this way. If you’re Pol Pot quarterbacking a football team, you’re going to be hated by just about everyone. However, if Pol Pot gets traded to a football team quarterbacked by Hitler, well then hey, Pol Pot’s not such a bad guy all of a sudden.”

(more…)

Higher power responsible for Miles Austin’s concussion finally revealed after weeks of speculation

E120889F4E1211480686876614656_38101e20c1e.3.1.6772149812656746849.mp4Philadelphia, PA – In a stunning turn of events, WWE Chairman and Owner Vince McMahon delivered a shocking message to Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Miles Austin, who has been sidelined with a concussion for the past three weeks.

McMahon finally revealed that it was him, it was him all along, the higher power who gave the oft-injured receiver his latest concussion.

The dastardly McMahon revealed the truth at last night’s Monday Night Raw. The jarring video was caught on tape. WARNING, the contents are disturbing.

(more…)

Tebow couldn’t have been better! vs. Ehh lets not go too crazy here

Tebow couldn’t have been better!

Eagles

Anthony John Vincenzzo.

Unbelievable. What a way to ingratiate yourself with the hard nosed, blue collared fans of Philadelphia. I cannot remember a better debut in my lifetime, even my buddy Sully said he was impressed and Sully is not easily won over. He’s been drinking the same brand of beer for the past 25 years (Narragansett if you wanted to get him a case for the feast of San Gennaro) so he’s a hard man to convince.

But you can’t argue with the results. One touchdown on a sweet six-yard run and a 50% completion rate is absolutely nothing to sneeze at. Plus, 69 yards (69 bro!) through the air in a half is not too shabby when you’re trying to manage the clock and run out the end of the game.

(more…)

Pope agrees to bless Sam Bradford’s knees, perform last rites

esq-pope-style-1213-xlPhiladelphia, PA – After being delivered a petition signed by thousands of Philadelphia sports fans, Pope Francis agreed to bless the knees of oft-injured Eagles quarterback Sam Bradford.

The Pope agreed to bless Bradford’s knees in a display of good humor with the ravenous sports city and its fans, who are understandably nervous going into this year’s season with the shaky Bradford.

The Pope also agreed to perform the last rites on Bradford, claiming it would likely save him time.

(more…)

Jerry Jones on banner flown over Eagles practice: ‘Absolutely despicable display from Greg Hardy’
Maybe he's not so bad, after all?

Maybe he’s not so bad, after all?

Dallas, Texas – Jerry Jones, the flamboyant owner and GM of the Dallas Cowboys, came out for the first time today and publicly decried the banner flown over the Eagles practice this past Sunday afternoon.

The banner, flown over Lincoln Financial Field during a public practice, displayed the message “”WE STILL DEM BOYZ!!!! #SACKSCOMIN” to the thousands of fans standing during the National Anthem.

Fan welcomed the banner with hearty boos, as expected, but Jones had a somewhat surprising reaction to the ploy by Hardy.

Jones described it as an “absolutely despicable display from Greg Hardy.”

(more…)

Lesean McCoy: ‘Travis Long tore his ACL because Chip Kelly is a racist’

lesean-mccoy-buffalo-billsBuffalo, NY – Lesean McCoy just couldn’t help himself in the first week of Buffalo Bills training camp, as the former Eagles running back opened up yet again about his perception of Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.

“I’m not saying anything, nah, I’m not saying anything at all,” McCoy said after the conclusion of yesterday’s practice. “But do you see any of the white linebackers tearing their ACLs down in Philadelphia?”

When asked what he meant by his comments, McCoy said he “didn’t have to explain myself to nobody. Nobody.”

The stunned media didn’t follow up with anymore questions, but that didn’t stop McCoy from continuing.

(more…)

Marcus Smith thrilled to get chance to underwhelm fans, coaches at training camp
The soon to be unemployed Marcus Smith.

The soon to be unemployed Marcus Smith.

Philadelphia, PA – Following the news that OLB Travis Long had torn his ACL for the second time in three seasons, second year OLB Marcus Smith knew this would open doors for him in training camp.

You never want to hope for the injury of another teammate, but the opportunity is not lost on Smith.

“I can’t wait to get out on the field and show the coaches what I did over the off season,” Smith told reporters Thursday morning. “I don’t want to go too much into my training regiment, but let’s just say I got up to 20 pushups and over 50 jumping jacks at my absolute peak. Do you think anyone else here can do this?”

(more…)