Philadelphia Eagles

Kelly says Eagles saving DeMarco Murray for playoffs, can’t keep straight face

092313-kelly-chip-eagles-600 Foxborough, Mass – Following the improbable 35-28 victory over the mighty New England Patriots, Chip Kelly had to answer questions following the win on why he decided to limit or even outright bench running back DeMarco Murray for nearly the entire second half.

When asked head on why Murray sat in favor of veteran Darren Sproles and relative unknown Kenjon Barner in the biggest game of the year, keen observers noticed a faint smile creep up on the corners of Kelly’s mouth.

“We’re…umm….saving him for the playoffs. Yeah, that’s the ticket!” Kelly said.

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Las Vegas odds makers have Patriots as slight 56-point favorite over Eagles

philadelphia_eagles_logo_4008 Las Vegas, Nevada – Following a flurry of late money bet on Philadelphia, Las Vegas sport books currently have the injury riddled Patriots as a slight 56-point favorite over the Eagles during this weekends game.

“The Patriots are banged up right now and coming off of their first loss. We certainly took that into account when we set the line for this game. We think it’s a fair line,” said Caesars Bookmaker Todd Fuhrman.

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IMPORTANT BREAKING THANKSGIVING NEWS

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Happy Thanksgiving from The Coggin Toboggan!

While you’re enjoying your turkey and hanging out with your family, just remember that some of us are squatting in the basements of vacant homes, stealing internet from a nearby children’s hospital and plotting our revenge against ALL WHO HAVE WRONGED US.

Enjoy some of the favorite articles we’ve written in the last year.

John Chaney appears in Owls locker room at half, gives speech, disappears into the fog.

Chase Utley’s alleged takeout slide of Marcus Hayes in Phillies Clubhouse explains so much.

Punch throwing, fight picking radio host still offended at Chase Utley’s profanity use in 2008.

Reports from Eagles practice describes “incredible freakout” by Les Bowen

Argument between Darren Sproles, Mark Sanchez gets ugly

hi-res-3c9dc8ab72ff1c764151e2269e9a0ed2_crop_north Philadelphia, PA -Adding another wrinkle to a horrendous season, Darren Sproles and Mark Sanchez had to be separated by Jason Peters at the end of yesterdays game as the two had a brief, but noticeable, argument on the field.

Snippets of the argument were caught by the high-powered NFL Films microphones on the sideline of the game.

The Coggin has the transcript:

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Philly sports talk prep sheets for Monday’s Eagles discussion

The Coggin Toboggan has received information from its sources at both sports talk station about tomorrow’s popular sports talk shows. We have received some very rough prep sheets about what each show will be discussing tomorrow.

Obviously these could change, so if not all of the items are touched on during the shows you’ll know why.

94 WIP

Morning Show

6 to 8 a.m. Chip Kelly needs to be fired. Horrible coach, one of the worst of all time.
Interview with Kelly at 8:10 a.m.
Chip Kelly is a great guy, one of the best and shouldn’t be fired.
9 a.m. cavalcade of young interns for Angelo Cataldi to creepily stare at.
9:59 to 10 a.m. Roundup of Flyers and 76ers news.

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Eagles scouts frustrated at unexplained disappeance of long snapper replacements

Magic Man or occult specialist…you decide.

Philadelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Eagles are currently auditioning several replacements for longtime long snapper Jon Dorenbos after the veteran’s rough game this past Sunday. Chip Kelly criticized Dorenbos for two inaccurate snaps that led to a missed 32-yard field goal and a blocked punt.

However, scouts and front office officials are having a difficult time assessing the replacements, as each one has mysteriously disappeared from the practice field before their tryouts were completed.

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Sam Bradford planning to catch up on reading, injuries in next 2 weeks

111515-NFL-CRUNCH-TIME-EH-PI.vadapt.620.high.68 Philadelphia, PA – Despite suffering a concussion and a separated shoulder this past Sunday, Sam Bradford was upbeat about the next two weeks.

The young quarterback said he hates to miss games, but if he has to sit out for an injury he likes to make the most of his situation.

“Sometimes it’s good to be able to take a step back from a trying season, to take some time for yourself,” Bradford told reporters Wednesday morning.

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Sanchez inspires teammates with post-game players only talk, loses them all at last minute

Philadelphia, PA – Reports coming out of Lincoln Financial Field yesterday are saying Mark Sanchez held an inspiring players-only meeting after the Eagles 20-19 loss to the Miami Dolphins, rallying his teammates around him and inspiring faith in everyone who heard his speech, only to lose every single one of them before he could close out the meeting.

Reporters could only hear snippets of the discussion behind the closed locker room doors, but Sanchez’s voice could clearly be heard telling his teammates that “they needed to stay together now more than ever,” and “above all else, we are a family. We win, lose and die together as a family, and there’s nobody else in this world I would rather be with right now than you guys.”

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Chip Kelly traded to Tennessee Titans for Marcus Mariota

Chip Kelly is in hell.

Philadelphia, PA – Oh sweet irony. In a plot line so hackneyed it would have been rejected by every Twilight Zone writer, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was officially traded to Tennessee early this morning. However, the head coach will not be reunited with the quarterback he coached in college and so coveted going into this year’s draft, as Kelly was traded for Marcus Mariota.

Mariota received a heroes welcome from the media this afternoon, immediately being named the starting quarterback over struggling Sam Bradford. Thousands greeted his plane on the tarmac of Philadelphia International Airport, showering the young quarterback with praise and admiration.

A taxi cab came to pick up Kelly at the Nashville International Airport and misspelled his last name with an ‘E.’

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Chip Kelly monitoring Eagles during bye week with state-of-the-art ball and chain technology

Philadelphia, PA – Ever the innovator, Chip Kelly is adding a new piece to his ever growing bag of tricks to improve his athletes’ performance on and off the field.

In addition to personally designed health smoothies, bedtime curfews, and internal health monitors, Kelly announced each member of the roster would be receiving a 45-pound ball and chain for the bye week.

“Wearing this new piece of technology is mandatory for each member of the roster. We give our players leeway to be grown men and we trust them to make smart decisions, but this will ensure they behave during the off week,” Kelly said.

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