Sam Hinkie: Oh, so Chip Kelly traded McCoy? We’ll see about this.

Chip Kelly’s got nothing on this stud.

Philadelphia, PA – After having the Philadelphia sports media diverted from debating the 76ers recent trades, future and direction of the franchise for just one day, Sam Hinkie simply smirked and pressed a gigantic red button affixed to his desk deep within the confines of the Wells Fargo Center during an impromptu press conference.

“So Mr. Chip Kelly thinks he can divert attention away from my beloved 76ers by making a rash decision and trading one of the most talented and popular members of the Philadelphia Eagles? Please, check the team site,” He said to a collected group of reporters. “Upon checking your iPhones, you’ll notice Nerlens Noel is no longer listed on the team roster.”

A gasp arose from the media, as the active team roster instead featured a picture of Kevin Durant wearing a 76ers jersey. A second picture had been posted to the main page of the 76ers website, prominently featuring a smiling Durant shaking Hinkie’s hand.

“Ladies, gentlemen, your newest member of the Philadelphia 76ers. This town is mine, Kelly, never forget it. You can quote that. Now get the hell out of here,” he told the assembled reporters.

The media were then ushered off of WFC property at gunpoint by Furkan Aldemir.

A Chip Kelly and Lesean McCoy play, in one act

Hey, Lesean, pssttttt…. I heard you were complaining about how bad this Winter has been in Philadelphia.

Hey coach…uhhh….I guess it’s been a bit cold, yeah, nothing too bad.

WELL ENJOY SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN BUFFALO, YOU SON OF A BITCH! YEEEEEHAAAAA!

::Wink::

Damnit.

My god, what is happening in this city. So many trades in the span of two weeks, my brain can’t handle it. Lesean McCoy to Buffalo, WHAT IS GOING ON? Kiko Alonso in an Eagles uniform, yet another Oregon player brought in my Chip? Sweet jesus…my heart can’t take this.

Tom McCarthy pleased to already be in midseason form, hated by everyone

Tom McCarthy, just one game into the Phillies 2015 season, is already hated by 95% of Phillies fan.

Clearwater, FLA – Just seven innings into the first official Spring Training exhibition match against the New York Yankees, lead television announcer Tom McCarthy said he was happy with the warmup and the general hatred being lobbed his way in the broadcasters booth.

“I’m very pleased with my progression so far. As you know, it’s not only spring training for the players, but for the announcers too,” the jovial announcer said during the seventh inning stretch. A soda from the stands was hurled into the booth, splattering the head television announcer with diet coke.

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Nate Allen depressingly believes Eagles opening up cap space to re-sign him

Nasty Nate Allen.

Philadelphia PA –Unrestricted free agent Nate Allen appeared overjoyed and even a bit cocky this afternoon, believing the release of cornerback Cary Williams was a preemptive move to clear cap space to re-sign the trod upon safety that has played in 74 games for the Eagles over the past five seasons.

“Sure, I view that as a positive sign,” Allen said to a group of reporters that had just finished interviewing Williams as he exited the team complex. “They have some cap issues and they needed to work it out before contacting me for a new contract. It’s not that hard to understand, guys.”

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76ers announce signing of Artie, the Strongest Man in the World

The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future.

Having waived JaVale McGee late Sunday evening, 76ers GM Sam Hinkie announced the signing of power forward Artie, The Strongest Man in the World.

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Younger brother of MCW writes Sam Hinkie a letter to bring him back to Philadelphia

Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps inspired by Jordan Leopold’s daughter’s letter written to the Minnesota Wild to bring her father back to Minnesota, Michael Carter William’s younger brother, Max, crafted a heartfelt letter to Philadelphia 76ers GM Sam Hinkie asking if he could make a trade to bring his oldest brother back to the City of Brotherly Love.

The Coggin Toboggan was able to procure a copy of the handwritten letter sent to Sam Hinkie over the weekend. You will never believe how Sam Hinkie brightened the young boy’s day! (more…)

Braydon Coburn made aware of trade by brick through window

Braydon Coburn, during a less horrific moment of his life.

Philadelphia, PA – Early this morning, around 2 a.m., Braydon Coburn was traded from the Philadelphia Flyers to the Tampa Bay Lightning for a 2015 1st and 3rd round pick and defenseman Radko Gudas. However, after the deal was made, Flyers GM Ron Hextall could not reach the 30-year-old defenseman through his cell phone to notify him of the move.

Showing the team’s new dedication to high level analytics, Hextall chalked up a plan never before seen to make sure the defenseman knew he was on his way out of Philadelphia.

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Flyers lose to wives, 4-1

Philadelphia, PA – Coming off an emotional, 4-2 victory against division rival New York Rangers Saturday night, the Flyers again played down to an inferior opponent and lost to their wives 4-1 during the annual Flyers Wives Fight for Lives Carnival on Sunday, March 1.

Nicole Warnecke, longtime girlfriend of Jakub Voracek, scored two goals for the wives and girlfriends during the annual ice hockey game which concluded the annual carnival.

“It was great to get out there and skate with the boys, hopefully they’ll be able to recover from this loss though and lead the team into the playoffs,” Warnecke said. “Sure they lost out on 2 points today, but we were super proud of their effort and we know they’ll bounce back.”

Keshia Chante, Ray Emery’s longtime girlfriend from Chicago, outplayed Steve Mason and kept the wives in the game as the Flyers peppered her with shots all afternoon.

“What can I say. They gave us a great game and came out on top. It was a great opportunity to gain some ground on the Bruins and the Panthers for that final playoff spot and we just blew it. Hats off to the wives, they were just better than us today,” Claude Giroux said.

Hali MacDonald, wife of Andrew MacDonald, stifled Giroux and Voracek all afternoon with vicious back checking and hard nosed play. Her husband, Andrew, was scratched from the game.

RIP Leonard Nimoy (from a broadcaster who doesn’t know who he is, but is forced to ad lib because the teleprompter is down)

He was obviously playing some kind of an alien, right?

Well, tragic news today as the world mourns Leonard Nimoy, who passed away earlier this morning at the age of 83.

The, ummm….the actor? Yes, the actor I suppose, lived a long life and enjoyed popularity that spanned through several years? No, sorry, decades? Ok, decades, yes, that must be right, those media stills look fairly old.

Best known for his role as some kind of alien thing on what looks like a television show, but also I see here he was described as a movie star also, so he probably played that character a few times in his life. His pointy ears were obviously prosthetic, I believe anyways…he couldn’t have had ears like that in real life, right?

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Editor’s Note: Cripes! Sorry, but here’s the real Dez Bryant video

Dez loves to waterski. And he loves blimps. Who knew?

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Yesterday, we posted a video to the Toboggan that we purchased for a substantial sum of money that was reportedly the nefarious Dez Bryant video the media has been going crazy over for the past week. We couldn’t tell if it was fake, we couldn’t tell if it was true, so we left it up to our readers to decide.

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