Tragedy strikes 97.5 FM as Mike Missanelli is trapped in show vault

mikemissanellijpg2 Philadelphia, PA – Mike Missanelli, host of a popular afternoon drive show on 97.5 FM the Fanatic, is entering hour number 15 of being trapped inside his show vault.

The seasoned veteran sports talk host accidentally locked himself into his own hacky bit, where he “opens the vault” and plays pre-recorded clips of callers “going off” on various topics of the day. Missanelli was fetching the latest batch of “hilarious, off-the-wall calls” for the bit and accidentally swung the vault door behind him and has been trapped for more than 15 hours.

Jason Myrtetus, producer for the Mike Missanelli Show, said he heard Mike screaming for help behind the 15-inch thick steel vault door.

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Rams owner Stan Kroenke calls only friend with pickup truck for first time in 10 years

Stan “the man” Kroenke.

St. Louis, Mo. – St. Louis Rams owner Stan Kroenke reportedly called his buddy Mark “MoonDog” Madison for the first time in nearly a decade Tuesday morning.

Kroenke said he wanted to “catch up” with Madison and it was simply a coincidence that the “MoonDogger” is his only acquaintance who owns with a pickup truck.

“MoonDog, it’s Stan, how you been buddy? I know it’s been a while since I rapped at ya, but I just wanted to see how you old salty son of a bitch was doing,” Kroenke said. “Yeah I know, it’s been a long time. I’ve been busy with the St. Louis Rams…well, you must have seen the news, we’re not really the St. Louis Rams anymore. Off to Los Angeles next season buddy, La La land, hitting the big time! You didn’t hear about that huh? Get the net, MoonDogger, come on.”

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RumorBot 2.0 debuts and predicts the next Eagles head coach

Definitely not RumorBot 2.0. You have to see him after the jump.

The Coggin Toboggan engineers are some of the most dedicated employees we have at the blog. The last time we called on them they delivered HitchBot 2.0 after the first had been destroyed in the streets of Philadelphia.

They came through with flying colors and redeemed this city in its darkest hours. I mean, just look at the replacement they developed. It’s sleek, it’s sexy, and most importantly it got results.

I will mention that the Coggin Toboggan engineers did fail us one time, but we asked them to play god and no man should ever play God. The less said the better, but messing around with the human genome and trying to splice it with bald eagle DNA makes for some horrific sins against nature. We had to burn so many bodies in the dumpster behind the offices. Those inhuman shrieks will fill my soul with dread for the rest of my life. They had human eyes! Human! May God have mercy on us all.

But I digress. Every sports writer and hack sports talk radio host has been giving their best guesses as to who the Eagles will hire to be their next head coach. Will it be Doug Marrone?! Or maybe Jon Gruden will come out of retirement.

We’re sick of guesses, so we asked our engineers to develop a state-of-the-art piece of technology that would factor in every single piece of data about the available coaching candidates and be able to give us a DEFINITIVE answer as to whom the Eagles will hire to be their next coach.

The Toboggan engineers have never let us down before, so we figured we’d let them have a go at it. While we won’t tell you any of the details that went into creating the machine, we will say that what they came up for us is simply outstanding.

After the jump you’ll see RumorBot 2.0 tell us exactly who will be the next coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. We also ran the test for the New York Giants and the Cleveland Browns.

Spoilers ahead. You have been warned.

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Tom Coughlin demands early bird interview with Philadelphia

tom-coughlin Philadelphia, PA – Citing his desire to “not be up at all hours of the night,” head coach candidate Tom Coughlin showed up close to 7-hours early for his scheduled interview this afternoon.

Coughlin exited his 1993 Lincoln Town Car and asked to be interviewed in a corner booth at the NovaCare Complex cafeteria, as it looked “less drafty” than one of the tables in the center of the room.

“Why come all the way down to Philadelphia to sit in a drafty table?” Coughlin said, after making Eagles representatives move tables several times to find an acceptable place to sit.

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God apologizes for Seahawks victory

Cima_da_Conegliano,_God_the_Father Heaven – Sighing deeply, God, the creator of Heaven and the Earth, made a rare appearance in front of the media and issued a public apology to sports fans everywhere for the Seattle Seahawks victory of the Minnesota Vikings in an exciting Wild Card game Sunday afternoon.

Vikings kicker Blair Walsh missed a chip shot field goal that would have seemingly won the Vikings the game with just 22 seconds remaining. Instead, the pro-bowl kicker missed a 27-yard kick and the Seahawks won 10-9.

“That’s my fault. I was pulling strings all afternoon for the Vikings. I mean, that was pretty obvious,” God said. “I step away for two god damn seconds and look what happens. I guess they never heard me say I help those who help themselves. Idiots.”

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DeSean Jackson really tempts fate with comments on Chip Kelly’s “bad karma”

desean-jackson-redskins Washington, DC – DeSean Jackson decided to throw caution to the wind Friday morning when he spoke about Chip Kelly and how his actions came back to him in a stunning display of karma at the end of the season.

Jackson essentially proved the old adage of a pot calling a kettle black by saying he “could care less” about Chip Kelly because he “ruined the Eagles.”

“I’m a firm believer that bad karma comes back on you,” said Jackson to TheMMQB’s Robert Klemko. “When you ruin a team like that, you do things to people’s families, you release people, you trade people, you get rid of good players who build something with the community, with the fans, with the kids — to have a guy come in and change up the team like that, I just believe in karma.”

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Andy Reid endorses Cheesesteak for Philadelphia head coach

Andy Reid Philadelphia, PA – A former head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles made his opinions known this week as to who should be the next leader of the franchise.

Reid reportedly called owner Jeffrey Lurie and suggested he take a long, hard look at a cheesesteak from Tony Luke’s to lead the team for the 2016-2017 season.

“I owe everything I have to those sandwiches at Tony Luke’s. If I needed support or had a bad day, one or three of those delicious sandwiches would put me in a better mindset. Just one dripping with cheese whiz, tiny onions that melt in your mouth, I can practically taste it in my mustache as we speak,” Reid said.

“Well look at what we have here,” Reid said, running his fingers through his mustache and picking out a fossilized crumb from the depths of his whiskers.

Onlookers were horrified as the Kansas City coach then popped it into his mouth.

“See? You can always count on Tony Luke’s. I think that still had some cheese on it, my goodness,” Reid said. “That’ll make your engine run. Time’s yours.”

Reid reportedly then licked his lips for the next five minutes and stared into space.

At press time, Reid changed his endorsement to a 5-week-old pork chop he found in the folds of his back fat.

Chip Kelly announces interest in Haddonfield Memorial High School coaching position

chip Haddonfield, NJ – Perhaps becoming frustrated by his lack of coaching opportunities, the recently fired Chip Kelly came out to the media Thursday and announced that he had an interest in a local coaching position.

Kelly granted an interview to Lisa Brackins, a freshman reporter for the Bulldawg Bulletin, the official paper of Haddonfield Memorial High School.

In the 2,000 word article, Kelly reportedly announced he hoped Haddonfield would consider him as a potential new coach for the high school’s football program.

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My interview with Jeffrey Lurie

Jeffrey Lurie (file photo)

It’s no secret that the Eagles front office contacted me late Sunday after the conclusion of the final game of the season and asked if I would come in and at least interview for the head coaching vacancy. The Eagles have long tried to tap into my extensive knowledge of the game, but the time has never been right for me to join them in an official position. I’ve always had other opportunities on the horizon…starting my own aardvark sanctuary, janitor to the rich and famous, sketchy looking drifter trying to hitch rides on the edge of county lines…I’ve been booked solid for years.

But Mr. Lurie finally convinced me to come in and at least kick the tires for the position. I only agreed if I could transcribe the interview process for the Toboggan and share it with our readers.

He agreed and this is our conversation.

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Flyers horrified to realize Philadelphia’s hopes now rest entirely on them

giroux-upset Philadelphia, PA – An eerie feeling came over the Flyers Skate Zone yesterday, almost as if every single active member of the roster suddenly realized that without the Eagles to occupy most of the city’s attention, they would now be the prime source of hope and attention for the city’s rabid fan base.

An ashen faced Claude Giroux addressed the media after a sloppy practice, where it was evident the entire team had reached the same epiphany and were already crumbling under the weight of Philadelphia’s expectations.

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