Haddonfield, NJ – Perhaps becoming frustrated by his lack of coaching opportunities, the recently fired Chip Kelly came out to the media Thursday and announced that he had an interest in a local coaching position.
Kelly granted an interview to Lisa Brackins, a freshman reporter for the Bulldawg Bulletin, the official paper of Haddonfield Memorial High School.
In the 2,000 word article, Kelly reportedly announced he hoped Haddonfield would consider him as a potential new coach for the high school’s football program.
Kelly had nothing but praise for the school and its facilities.
“It’s a great organization and I think it could be mutually beneficial for all involved,” Kelly said. “I’ve heard the cafeteria is state of the art and serves pizza every Friday. Now that is something I can get behind.”
Kelly said he was impressed by the athleticism of the Haddonfield youths that would drive by his house after every loss and hurl rotten eggs at his home.
If he received the job, Kelly said each student athlete would be fitted with an internal sleep monitor, would have to be excused from all 7th and 8th period classes for “training,” and would require a $46 million state-of-the-art practice facility to be constructed next to the high school.
“Plus, no alcohol use will be tolerated during the season, which I know is a real sacrifice for some of these Haddonfield kids,” the stern Kelly said. “Plus no women in season. Women weaken legs.”
“After the season is over, though, just go nuts. I don’t care.”
At press time, the Haddonfield Board of Education denied Kelly’s application as head coach and offered him a midnight to 5 a.m. janitor shift, which he promptly accepted.
The Bulldawg Bulletin will run its exclusive story on the front page in Friday’s edition of the paper, right next to an investigative journalism piece that looks into who has been pooping on the floor of the boy’s locker room after school.