My interview with Jeffrey Lurie

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Jeffrey Lurie (file photo)

It’s no secret that the Eagles front office contacted me late Sunday after the conclusion of the final game of the season and asked if I would come in and at least interview for the head coaching vacancy. The Eagles have long tried to tap into my extensive knowledge of the game, but the time has never been right for me to join them in an official position. I’ve always had other opportunities on the horizon…starting my own aardvark sanctuary, janitor to the rich and famous, sketchy looking drifter trying to hitch rides on the edge of county lines…I’ve been booked solid for years.

But Mr. Lurie finally convinced me to come in and at least kick the tires for the position. I only agreed if I could transcribe the interview process for the Toboggan and share it with our readers.

He agreed and this is our conversation.

Jeffrey Lurie (JL): Mr. CEO, so happy you could come in finally. We have much to discuss. Shall we get started? And may I call you Bob?

CEO: It’s my pleasure Mr. Lurie. Yes of course, please, we’re all friends here. Maybe even birds of a feather, I suppose?

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CEO (file photo)

::Both sides laugh uproariously::

JL: That’s why we’ve had our eye on you, never one to take things too seriously, but you’re a man of a stern disposition when things need to get done, isn’t that right?

CEO: That’s me exactly, Jeff.

JL: I’ll be blunt. Chip Kelly was a disaster. There’s so much the media didn’t know about his practices. I bet you never heard about the kale smoothie enemas he personally administered to everyone of our athletes on a daily basis, did you?

CEO: I did not. That seems like a great way to spend a Friday night though, am I right?

::More laughter::

JL: Oh that is priceless. We need some new blood in this organization, someone who doesn’t give a damn about smoothies and takes no shit from anyone.

CEO: Haven’t drank a smoothie in years, Jeff, and I certainly don’t take shit from anyone. ::Reaches over to his desk and pushes an antique vase onto the floor, shattering it into a million pieces::

JL: Very nice. Point taken. We need a man of action. We want to get back to basics. Philadelphia Eagles basics. Get back to what made us great.

CEO: I couldn’t agree more, Jeff.

JL: And we believe you’re the man for the job. Sure we’ll bring in a few other candidates here and there. But do you really think Doug Pederson is going to get the job? I wouldn’t let him coach a Wing Bowl contestant, let alone a billion dollar franchise.

CEO: Doug seems like a nice guy.

JL: He’s a clod. We caught him eating the astroturf on more than one occasion back in Veteran’s Stadium, if you catch my drift.

::He winks several times::

CEO: I really don’t. Jeff, look, I’m a busy man. It’s not easy being the youngest millionaire blog owner in the city, an MIT particle physics professor, and a UFC lightweight champion. My time is precious.

JL: My apologies. We’d like to offer you the position….five year contract, $12 million a year, full control of the organization. We do mean full control. You don’t like that weird looking kid who sells pretzels on the third level concourse, we’ll fire his ass. Sick of Marcus Smith? We know where to hide bodies in places nobody will ever find, if you catch my drift.

::winks again::

CEO: That one was more obvious. Look, Jeff, I’ll be honest. Murdering people I don’t enjoy sounds like a blast, it really does, but I’ll have to think about it. I have a good thing going with my job and moonlighting as a Congressman for New Jersey in my free time. $12 million is a bit of a pay cut as well, I’ll just have to mull it over a bit.

JL: That’s an honest answer from an honest man. You’re a straight shooter, another fabulous quality. Do you know what Duce Staley said to us during his interview? That he was a people person, can you believe that?

CEO: Give him a break. His good answer was probably on the bench while that bad answer was being played ahead of him.

::Jeff looks confused::

Jeff: I’m not sure how he could be playing a bad answer….oh….ho ho you’re alluding to theĀ DeMarco Murray fiasco this season? Fabulous! Well done indeed, witty and intelligent.

CEO: Well, Jeff, you know, that’s just me.

JL: Of course. Well I’ll let you mull over our offer. But now that business is over, BRING ON THE WHORES!

::Several scantily clad women dance into the office, flocking to both of us::

Well that’s the interview. They seem interested in my services and I still need to give them an answer, but I’m leaning towards accepting the job. I think I can squeeze it into my schedule.

Or I may change my mind and just build a roller coaster instead.

 

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