Gordie Howe arrives in heaven, immediately scores goal, fights God

635508832282772563-ap-howe-stroke-hockeyThe Afterlife – A number of heavenly sources confirmed today that Gordie Howe, “Mr. Hockey,” arrived in heaven safely and immediately made his presence felt in the ethereal plane.

One archangel said Howe grabbed a stick almost at once after emerging from the Pearly Gates and hopped onto a frozen pond for a pickup game with a number of other deceased hockey legends.

“Great to see Howie out here, ruffling some feathers and stirring the pot, as per usual,” said Maurice “Rocket” Richard, who passed away in 2000.

About 10 minutes into the spirited contest, Howe blasted a slap shot past Terry Sawchuk to notch his first goal in the afterlife.

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Where I apply for the Eagles Senior Analytics Position

QB-Eagles-tale_display_imageThe Philadelphia Eagles are looking for a new Senior Analytics Position employee to lead the franchise into a new era of advanced stats and smarter decisions, breaking away from the traditional methods of scouting and selecting players for the organization.

Obviously, I am the perfect candidate for the job. If you know me, you know that analytics are my bread and stats are my butter. Oh no, wait,  stats are my bread and analytics are my butter. Wait, no, stats are my butter – no – analytics are my butter – Ok, lets just say stats and analytics are my various breads and various butters (if anyone knows what Woody Allen movie that bit is from, I’ll give you a kiss).

Full disclosure, I’ve never actually PLAYED organized football, but I was a goddamn whirling dervish out on the grid iron whenever we played our annual tackle football match among friends over Thanksgiving weekend. I could effortlessly call our defense into a Cover 2 to stop the over the top pass that’s been KILLING US ALL DAY and make the tough calls to bench the most hungover of team members.

Plus, do you have any idea how much time I wasted as a kid playing Tecmo Super Bowl? There’s no rule in the NFL that says a quarterback can’t run straight back into their own end zone and then uncork throw that goes off the top of the screen before landing in the waiting hands of a receiver 100 yards away, right? No? Good, then I’m golden.

Either way, the Eagles would be FOOLISH to pass up this steel trap of a football mind that any team would jump at the opportunity to bring on.

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EXCLUSIVE: Dario Saric explains his new mustache
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Don’t look right at it, you may go blind.

By DARIO SARIC – You must excuse my English, it’s not, ehh, so well at this point in time, but I am learning. I am very much looking forward to playing in the greatest city in the USA, Philadelphia, next year for the 76ers after my time is completed with the Anadolu Efes.

I do not know too much about America and the City of Brotherly Love, but my great friends have told me that American ladies, and especially ladies of Philadelphia, enjoy…ehh…how do you say in English…a long ride on the mustache?

Yes, that is it. They greatly enjoy a mustache ride and I’d like to give all the girls of my new hometown city a long mustache ride. It will be greatly enjoyable for all involved.

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Mychal Kendricks: Pederson more open than Kelly, gives less enemas

091614-mychal-kendricks-600Philadelphia, PA – The differences between new head coach Doug Pederson and Chip Kelly have never been more evident than the first several days of mandatory workouts, Eagles linebacker Mychal Kendricks told reporters Wednesday morning.

Kendricks said the majority of the team’s veterans have already taken notice and respect Pederson’s less stringent practices, his ability to be more flexible, and the cancellation of the team’s enema program that Kelly strictly enforced for the past two seasons.

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I guess Steph Curry doesn’t love America? But I do, and I’ll play
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Best basketball player in the world, or America’s greatest traitor?

Steph Curry recently announced he would not be participating in the upcoming Olympic games due to his various injuries and for his apparent hatred of America. I’m sure if MOTHER RUSSIA knocked on Steph’s door and offered him a hammer and sickle he’d jump at the opportunity to play.

Well guess what Steph? When Lady Liberty comes a calling, you’d better be ready to accept the charges and put aside your little dings and maladies to give it all for the red, the white, and the blue.

Dos vedanya comrade, don’t let your bottle of vodka hit your ass on the way out.

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Point/Counterpoint: The Ryan Howard incident

POINT: I’ve done so much for this city.

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Point columnist: Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard.

What happened this weekend was an absolute atrocity. I will be the first to admit (and I have admitted to the fact) that I have not played well this season. I understand the fan’s frustration, because I am extremely frustrated with myself as well. But to have a fan callously throw a beer bottle at me during Saturday’s game was just atrocious.

When fans feel it necessary to engage themselves in such dangerous behavior, it makes me wonder if they remember all that I did for this city?

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New Fletcher Cox contract demands leaked to public
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Should the Eagles give in to his new contract demands?

The star Philadelphia Eagles defensive lineman Fletcher Cox has made a point of not attending voluntary OTA workouts this off-season as continues to lobby the organization for a new, more lucrative contract.

The extraordinarily talented defensive lineman is still playing under his initial contract and certainly believes he has played himself into a newer, more expensive deal.

Cox has remained fairly silent throughout his holdout, but has published a number of Tweets that may allude to his disappointment with the team.

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Unhappy, overconfident Nick Foles skips OTAs after not getting in team carpool

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Los Angeles, Calif. – Quarterback Nick Foles is a no-show today at the beginning of Los Angeles Rams voluntary OTAs, after the four year veteran could not find a spot in the official team carpool to the stadium each day.

Foles said it was almost unconscionable that the unanimous starting quarterback for the Los Angeles Ram could be cast aside in such an embarrassing fashion.

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Carson Wentz learning offense quickly, reminds Doug Pederson he hasn’t assigned any homework yet
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Brown noser.

Philadelphia, PA – As the Eagles continue their OTA workouts after the holiday weekend, several analysts are lauding rookie quarterback Carson Wentz for his ability to pick up head coach Doug Pederson’s offense quicker than either quarterbacks Sam Bradford or Chase Daniel.

However, Wentz will not be winning any popularity contests with his teammates anytime soon, as the young quarterback is reportedly ruffling the feathers of a number of veterans on the team.

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