Thrillist declares Philadelphia “Angriest City in America” and it infuriates me

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Something called Thrillist recently published an article ranking Philadelphia as the angriest city in America. 

First of all, Thrillist, how dare you rank this city as the angriest in America when Detroit is still within this country’s borders. They’re drinking lead. Straight lead. It would make anyone angry.

Second of all, GOD DAMN YOU. God damn you to fucking hell. Does it make you feel big, huh, DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A BIG MAN TO DECRY THIS WONDERFUL CITY IN YOUR RAG OF A PUBLICATION.

WELL HUH, DO YOU? (wildly gesticulates into the air for 20 minutes).

I read your article and it made me go blind. I went rage blind. My eyes shut off after I started to hyperventilate as a precautionary measure so my heart didn’t explode. My optic nerves said, “Well, that’s enough. The only thing that’s going to calm him down is eternal darkness (for 20 to 25 minutes).”

The bile in my throat is burning my esophagus and I blame Thrillist. I BLAME YOU ALL FOR MY MALADY.

Do you know what I did after I finished reading your well -thought out piece? I went down to a lake and punched fish for an hour. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS?! It takes time, dedication, and an intricate plan to be so cruel to a blank-minded animal. I spent 20 minutes coaxing them to the surface with bread crumbs, gaining their trust, so I could punch them in their stupid fish faces.

You cited the old chestnuts of the puke kid at the Phillies game, throwing snowballs and batteries (blah blah blah) and booing Michael Irvin when he was injured. What about all the great, angry things we’ve done recently? YOU COULDN’T EVEN GET THAT RIGHT, YOU STUPID IDIOTS.

That did it, now you’ve done it, I’m going blind again, I’ma agoing blinend adn its all yorua damned afault.

(45 minutes later)

Gahhhhhhhh so bright! The horrid light. My brain, my blighted brain.

I need to sit down. God damn you, Thrillist. If I ever see you in a dark alley I’ll shove a corkscrew through your eyeball.

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