Painstaking thawing process of Merrill Reese has begun for regular season
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The absolute best.

Philadelphia, PA – With just 20 days until the Eagles first regular season game of 2016, the organization has begun the painstaking process of thawing the cryogenically frozen play-by-play announcer Merrill Reese.

The 73-year-old announcer has been cryogenically frozen at the end of each season since 2012, when the franchise determined he was experiencing too much wear and tear during the offseason and needed to be preserved for 16 weeks (or more, depending on the playoffs) of the NFL season.

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Report: Caleb Sturgis suffered concussion, but not from errant punt
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Thoughts and prayers.

Pittsburgh, PA – In one of the most bizarre scenarios on a football field this preseason, the Eagles reported last night that placekicker Caleb Sturgis suffered a concussion in pregame warmups after an errant Donnie Jones punt hit him square in the head.

Sturgis did suffer a concussion in the pregame warmups last night, that much is true, but sources are telling the Coggin Toboggan that the Eagles fabricated the punt incident to keep the real story out of the media.

A source has told the Coggin that Sturgis suffered his concussion at the hands of Morganna the Kissing Bandit, who abruptly came out of retirement last night to attend the preseason game.

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Hold on a second…was Carson Wentz in Brazil with Ryan Lochte?

022816_carson-wentz_1200Not a good day if you’re a fan of the U.S. men’s Olympic swim team, folks.

If you’re following the soap opera currently unfurling in Rio this week with several members of the U.S. swimming team than I’m sure you’ve already seen the newest wrinkle to this very strange story.

This newest tidbit broke this morning and further lends doubt to the story Ryan Lochte told the media earlier this week about being robbed at gunpoint by fake Brazil police officers.

Oh boy. Ryan Lochte, you’ve got some splainin’ to do.

But hold on a second…seems like a familiar story. Where have I seen something like this before…hmmm….

OH MY GOD WE’VE BUSTED THIS STORY WIDE OPEN.

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Mike Missanelli hospitalized after watching Chase Utley receive two curtain calls
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Thoughts and prayers to Mike Missanelli.

Philadelphia, PA – Afternoon sports talk host Mike Missanelli is clinging to life at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital today after being admitted for a “massive event,” which doctors are theorizing came as a result from watching Chase Utley receive not one, but two curtain calls in his return to Philadelphia.

Lead cardiac surgeon Ronald JcMickon told Coggin reporters that Missanelli was stable, but it was “touch and go” for many hours after he was transported to the hospital.

Sources confirmed Missanelli was clutching a Sopranos season three box set on his hands when he arrived at Jefferson Hospital and was attempting to pray to it like an old Jesuit woman clutching a Rosary.

“From what we gather, Mr. Missanelli had a major reaction to tonight’s Phillies game. He seemed to take great disdain in Philadelphia fans experiencing a moment of joy for a returning Chase Utley and deemed it inappropriate that he received several curtain calls throughout the game. He’s currently in a coma and we’re not sure if he’ll ever walk again,” JcMickon said.

“He seemed to really be in pain after watching so many others experience such a joyful moment. I don’t get it, personally. How could you not enjoy that moment? Utley gave this city so many great moments of the years….it’s only right and appropriate to praise him on his return. I guess Mr. Missanelli just didn’t see it that way.”

A hospital employee provided the Coggin with a copy of the security tape from last night at 11:35 p.m. The following is a transcript of his interaction with the admitting doctor. Warning….it is disturbing:

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Exclusive: Chase Utley takes out ad for fans upon return to Philadelphia
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::sighs:: What a dreamboat.

Chase Utley makes his triumphant return to Citizen’s Bank Park tonight for the first time since being traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers last year.

The beloved second baseman hasn’t forgotten his roots in Philadelphia while playing out the remaining years of his career in sunny LA, so the hard-nosed athlete reportedly took out an advertisement that will appear in all evening editions of the local newspapers thanking the fans upon his return.

Don’t ask how, but we were able to procure a copy of Utley’s ad BEFORE it is to be printed in the papers. We had to do…well…things we’re frankly not proud of. Probably won’t be able to look into a mirror for a long time after this one and I know, personally, that I won’t be able to meet the eyes of my wife or son for many days….but it’s all worth it to get the scoop of the baseball season!

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Curt Schilling vetting Jonathan Papelbon for vice president run
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Just a good ol’ boy.

Parts Unknown – From deep within a subterranean bunker he built with his remaining video game money, former Phillies pitcher and presidential hopeful Curt Schilling sent out initial feelers this week to determine if Jonathan Papelbon would be an appropriate vice president choice for his 2024 ticket.

Schilling, who announced he would make a run at the presidency in 2024, sent out his most trusted political advisor, Jaxson “J-Bug” Jordan, to gauge the free agent’s interest in joining his powerhouse political ticket.

Schilling, an avid and vocal republican, took a few moments from posting his latest “Killary Klinton” meme to his Twitter account to discuss his upcoming run for president.

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“Everyone hates me and is blaming me for the season already,” sobbing Lane Johnson says from tree fort

100615_lane-johnson_1024Philadelphia, PA – After scrambling up his rope ladder and hanging the “no gurlz alloud” sign on his tree fort after an open practice where he was mocked for an upcoming 10 game suspension by fans, Eagles offensive tackle Lane Johnson loudly sobbed into a ratty pillow he stole from his mother’s house and refused to come down for anyone.

“It’s not fair. I didn’t mean to get suspended. They totally said I could take that peptide, the NFLPA is just a bunch of poop-filled jerks! It’s not my fault! Crap!” Johnson said, despite knowing he wasn’t allowed to cuss and could see his bedtime moved up by as much as an hour if anyone heard.

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Doug Pederson to start calling in plays now to ensure they reach Bradford by game time
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Doug Pederson feels he has a good play-calling system in place now.

Philadelphia, PA – On the morning of their first 2016 preseason contest against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, newly minted Eagles Head Coach Doug Pederson has begun the process of sending in his first series of plays to quarterback Sam Bradford, with the hope that they’ll arrive by the start of the game.

Pederson, who has already faced criticism from fans and the media for his antiquated method of calling a play into the offense, said he has corrected his methods.

“We reviewed our play calling process and we feel like we really have the system down now. Should be a good game tonight, better start calling in those plays now,” Pederson said.

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BREAKING: Dario Saric’s mustache diagnosed with Zika virus
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Saric in better times.

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil – Tragedy has struck the 2016 Olympic games as word of the first athlete contracting the Zika virus broke this morning. Unfortunately, it has a local connection.

Dario Saric, a forward for the Croatian national basketball team, was sent home after physicians diagnosed his pencil thin mustache with the Zika virus after the young athlete expressed concerns over its appearance to team officials.

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