It’s official, the Eagles are worse than the stomach flu
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The face that launched a thousand buckets of puke yesterday.

My kid has had the stomach flu since Wednesday. This house has been filled with puke, shit, tears, and all sorts of horrendous bodily fluids since early last week, some of them even from him.

Whether or not the puking/shitting was caused by him actually watching the first quarter of the game with me is yet to be determined.

Good LORD that was terrible. Doug Pederson basically had a stroke on the sidelines and decided to leave 6-points on the field in a crucial NFC East game and now the Eagles are where they belong, in the mother fucking basement.

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

Barfffffffff. Well, at least our guest picker got ONE prediction right last week, as Tony Romo correctly predicted the Cowboys would beat the Eagles, but the Eagles would not cover the spread.

You know Dak Prescott would have predicted the Cowboys would have beaten the Eagles AND covered the spread. What? I’m just saying is all, not trying to create any undue controversy with the Cowboys.

This week, the Eagles (+2.5) are going up the Turnpike to take on the hated New York Giants and their cast of unlikable wide receivers. You’d better believe Mike Missanelli has his Twitter account primed and ready to fire off any number of offensive tweets when Victor Cruz suffers another season ending injury.  I’m sure he’ll try to interject some crude racial humor in a “jokey tweet” and then blame it on being Italian.

“Ehhhhhh come on now! Dats just like a my momma used to tweet, I know-a-no better den that! Mama Mia, I am in some a trouble.”

Can’t wait.

Win/loss prediction results: 3-4

Against the spread: 3-4

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107-year-old Chicago Cubs fan: “That was it?”

cxll4jrk_400x400Chicago, Illinois – Kevin “Kip” Suggerson, a 107-year-old fan of the Chicago Cubs, finally got to see his beloved Cubbies bring home a World Series Championship after just missing out on their first championship in 1908.

From his nursing home in Winnetka, Suggerson sighed deeply as he watched the Cubs celebrate their victory over the Indians. He took off a Cubs cap he has had in his possession since 1932 and looked at it for several moments.

“That was it? 107 years to see them finally win a championship, and that’s it?” Suggerson said out loud, sending his frail body into a coughing fit for several minutes before he could compose himself.

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Jose Mesa to throw ceremonial first pitch into Omar Vizquel’s back before game 7
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Jose Mesa will rile up the Indian’s crowd before tonight’s deciding Game 7.

Cleveland, Ohio – The Cleveland Indians are pulling out all the stops tonight for game 7 of the World Series, and that includes the pregame festivities.

An anonymous team representative has confirmed that former Indians closer Jose Mesa will throw the ceremonial first pitch into the back of Omar Vizquel before tonight’s deciding World Series game against the Chicago Cubs.

“Yes, I can confirm that Jose Mesa will be participating in the pregame festivities tonight. Hopefully the Cleveland faithful will give him a warm welcome and he’ll pump up the crowd by plunking Omar Vizquel in the back one more time. Just rear back and wing it right between his shoulder blades,” the representative said.

“We can’t think of a better way to kick off this historic night than seeing Vizquel writhing around the ground after being beaned.”

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Josh Huff dropped a “Do you know who I am?” on his arresting officer

b80e8530Eagles wide receiver Josh Huff was arrested for allegedly speeding on the Walt Whitman Bridge with marijuana and a handgun this past night and faces stiff penalties from the city.

The city police report, obtained by the Coggin Toboggan, cited that the arresting officer was going to let Huff go on a warning, but was perturbed when the athlete dropped a “Do you know who I am?” while he was being detained.

“I was set to release Mr. Huff on his own recognizance after declaring he was not a danger to himself or anyone in the area, but Mr. Huff became perturbed at my perceived mistreatment and asked me if I ‘knew who he was’ during the arrest,” The arresting officer said in the report.

Upon recognize the underachieving wide receiver, the arresting officer immediately placed Huff place in handcuffs, slammed into the hood of the police car, arrested and now faces 45-years to life in a state penitentiary if found guilty of drug and hand gun possession.

An Eagles team representative said the potential jail time is “tough, but fair,” and the organization would not be providing Huff with a lawyer.

Oh great, a 63-year-old Terrell Owens is available for the Eagles

terrell-owensThe Eagles are not going to make a trade for Alshon Jeffery or Brandon Marshall. Let’s get that out of the way right now. It’s not going to happen.

Torrey Smith might be a more apt target for Howie to acquire, but is he going to propel Philadelphia to the Super Bowl? I doubt it.

So what’s left? Oh lovely, Terrell Owens, 63 -years-old, just said he’s available and willing to come out of retirement and play for the Eagles. He most likely made this statement between his live in assistant feeding him bites of apple mush and aquacize class at the YMCA.

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Wade Phillips handles pressure better than Nelson Agholor
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Cool hat, bro.

Nelson Agholor is dangerously close to wearing his welcome out in Philadelphia. Another week, another series of soul-crushing drops from the city’s most despised wide receiver.

You know what? Nelson doesn’t let it bother him. Nah, why would he? He just brushes off the drops, goes on to run his next route (and probably drop that pass as well), and (most likely) hits up a strip club after the game despite warnings from teammates and franchise officials.

But how DARE anyone ask Nelly about the drops after the game. He doesn’t cotton to that nonsense. Nelly pretty much punched his ticket out of town after the year ends by criticizing a reporter for asking him to address his case of dropsies that has plagued him all year.

Compare Nelly’s reaction to pressure to that of Wade Phillips, 69-year-old defensive coordinator of the Denver Broncos who absolutely got TRUCKED on the sideline of yesterday’s game against the Chargers, who took his lumps with aplomb and good grace.

Let’s compare the results of both Agholor and Phillip’s horrendous days at the office and how they affected the fanbases and teams.

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Who will make our Eagles picks for this week?

Wow…this is why I never bet on football games. The gravy train with biscuit wheels is officially off the tracks. Oh my god we SUCK at making picks for these Eagles games. After a hot start we’ve gotten all four predictions wrong in the past two weeks.

Oh wait, I mean, our guest pickers are terrible at making predictions because these are REAL guests making REAL picks for us.

We are awful.

So this week the Eagles (+4.5) take on the hated Cowboys in a clash of the top two NFC East teams. Dak Prescott welcomes Philadelphia to Arlington and Skip Bayless is already creaming in his jeans to see his crush take on Carson Wentz and the Eagles.

Just admit you want to tenderly kiss Prescott’s neck, Skip, and your life will be so much happier.

Win/loss prediction results: 2-4

Against the spread: 3-3

But who will make our picks this week…it’s Tony Romo! Tony, welcome to the Coggin.

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Elated Gerald Henderson thought MVP chants were for him
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MVP.

Philadelphia, PA – An over the moon Gerald Henderson beamed as he spoke with reporters after the 76ers season opening loss to the Thunder, as the new shooting guard said he could hardly believe the welcome the fans game him and love they showed him throughout last night’s contest.

“You hear things about these fans when you’re not playing in the city, but let me tell you, they’re class acts. Those MVP MVP MVP chants they were giving me last night? I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that,” Henderson said, mistaking the obvious chants directed to new star in the making Joel Embiid as directed at him.

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Keys to the 76ers opener by a local sports anchor just finding out Durant no longer on the Thunder

kevin20durant20golden20state20warriors20-vresize-1200-675-high-17Ohhhhhhh it’s a happy day in Philadelphia for all those 76ers fans, as the Sixers will kick off their 2016-2017 season tonight when they take on Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma Thunder in a real test right out of the gates.

It’s been a long time coming for 76ers fans, as fan favorite Dario Saric and perceived franchise savior Joel Embiid will take to the court to try and shut down the high powered offense of the Thunder, led of course by perennial MVP favorite Kevin Durant and guard Russell Westbrook.

Durant, who received heavy interest this offseason, ultimately chose to re-sign with the Thunder and bring his hefty 27 points per game average back to Oklahoma for another run.

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