BREAKING NEWS

94 WIP promotes Rob Ellis to coveted 5 a.m. timeslot

“Rowdy” Rob Ellis, really cutting it loose in his 94 WIP station photograph.

Philadelphia, PA – Citing the need for an experienced radio veteran to kick off its morning coverage, 94 WIP program director Spike Eskin announced Tuesday that Rob Ellis would be promoted from his bi-monthly 3 a.m. radio show to a twice weekly 5 a.m. position.

Ellis will be on the air each Monday and Friday from 5 to 5:30 a.m. With breaks, Ellis will be on air for a grand total of 9 minutes.

Upon hearing of his “promotion,” Ellis was said to have sighed deeply and then looked lovingly at a replica rifle mounted on the station’s wall.

“We really feel this is a great spot for Rob. He’s shown he can handle some adversity this year, and we think this will be a great lead in for Angelo Cataldi and the Morning Show,” Eskin said. “You can get into some salient sports talk in 9 minutes, believe me.”

Eskin said it will be Ellis’s duty to gain ground in the “Insomniac and cocaine addict” demographic so dominated by 97.5 the Fanatic.

It’s been a trying few months for Ellis, as he lost his mid afternoon drive position with Anthony Gargano to Josh Innes and Tony Bruno. He was demoted to the 6 to 10 p.m. position, and then to a 3 a.m. slot twice a month.

His station parking spot was also given to the sandwich truck Josh Innes frequents on a daily basis.

“Rob’s a professional. I’m looking forward to seeing what kind of a product he can put out there twice a week for us. He knows what he’s doing,” Eskin said.

After agreeing to the deal, Ellis was told he will also be responsible for three live reads a show, which will reduce his on-air sports talk time to three minutes a show.

Dave Schultz snubbed at the Grammys

Another year, another loss for The Hammer.

Los Angeles, CA – For 38th year in a row, Dave “The Hammer” Schultz came up short at the Grammy Awards for his hit single “The Penalty Box.”

The once beloved NHL goon recorded the smash single in 1977, stepping out of his comfort zone and singing a catchy ditty about his experiences in the penalty box during an NHL game.

Schultz was once again nominated for Song of the Year, Best Pop Vocal Album and Best Pop Solo Performance for the 38th year in a row. Unfortunately for The Hammer, he was snubbed yet again for a Grammy.

“The biggest regret of my professional hockey career is not winning a Grammy. Every year I come in as the favorite, every year I leave empty handed to spend out the rest of my days in the penalty box,” Schultz said, dejectedly.

“Baby, how long will you keep me in the penalty box? Oh It’s lonely in the penalty box. I know I broke the rules, but rules are broken by fools,” Schultz quotes from his hit single.

You be the judge….did he deserve to capture a Grammy this year?

97.5 the Fan’s Mike Missanelli apologizes for Dean Smith tweet

Mike Missanelli is in trouble again for some controversial tweets about deceased UNC head coach Dean Smith.

Philadelphia, PA – Controversial sports talk host Mike Missanelli apologized Sunday afternoon after he published several insensitive tweets following the death of college basketball legend Dean Smith.

At 11:15 a.m. Sunday morning, Missanelli posted a tweet from his account @MikeyMiss975 that several University of North Carolina fans found insulting.

“@MikeyMiss975 – Hey UNC fans: Time to put Dean Smith into the ground, because he is TOAST.”

Missanelli said Smith was not dead at the time of his tweet, and only posted the message when he saw an update on a news ticker in downtown Philadelphia.

“Look, say what you will, but when I tweeted about Dean Smith he was ONLY in a coma. I had no idea he was actually deceased, ok? I think UNC fans are really taking this out of context. I apologize if people are being oversensitive and took it the wrong way.”

Missanelli posted several tweets apologizing to UNC fans, but seemed to dig himself an even deeper hole.

“@MIkeyMiss975 – The old codger was still hooked up to the ventilator when I was going out to my car and tweeted that. I had no idea. I apologize.”

“@MikeyMiss975 – How did I know his surviving family members would see my tweet? Just calm down, ok?”

“@MikeyMiss975 – He’s dead now, he didn’t see it, what’s the big deal?”

Missanelli said he plans to honor Smith on Monday afternoon’s show and will attend the mass ceremony for Smith.

UPDATE:

Eyewitnesses at the Smith funeral report Missanelli accidentally tipped over the coach’s coffin and punched his surviving wife in the face when she asked him to leave.

Brian Williams: Coaching the Phillies were the best years of my life

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Brian Williams, possible Phillies coach from 2005 to 2013.

Philadelphia, PA – Brian Williams, lead anchor of NBC Nighty news, appeared on CSN’s Philly Sports Night Thursday evening and proclaimed his time as the head coach of the Philadelphia Phillies, in which he led them to their first World Series championship in almost 30 years, were the best years of his life.

“Sure I’ve had a fabulous news career. I’ve reported on some great stories, had some harrowing moments in Iraq, but the best years of my career were from 2005 to 2013 when I moonlighted as head coach for the Philadelphia Phillies.”

Despite confused looks from host Michael Barkann and special guest Frank Seravalli, Williams trudged on and said he harbored no ill-will towards the Phillies organization after he was replaced by Ryne Sandberg midway through the 2013 season.

“It was tough, but those eight years were just a magical time in this city for Phillies baseball,” Williams said. “I will never forget that run in 2008 when I personally helped this team reach, and win, the World Series championship.”

Despite Barkann desperately trying to change the direction of the conversation, Williams continued and dug himself an even bigger hole when he recounted a story from the 2008 NLCS against the Los Angeles Dodgers.

“It was game 4 of the NLCS, we were tied 5-5 in the bottom of the eighth inning after Shane Victorino had just hit a two-run home run. I knew we needed a spark, Jonathan Broxton was throwing some real heat, so I made the call and inserted myself into the game as a pinch hitter,” Williams said. “I clobbered a two-run home run to put us ahead 7-5. I was the first player manager to ever hit a home run in the NLCS. What a magical moment.”

Williams went on and said he pitched a “lights out” 9th inning to secure the save and victory for the Phillies.

Despite video evidence proving Williams did not hit a home run, record a save, or even coach the Phillies during any of the years he claimed, the embattled news reporter claimed the Phillies were in talks to bring him back for the 2015 season to fill a vacant announcer position the organization was trying to fill.

“Before Harry Kalas passed away, he called me and told me that I was a much better announcer than he would ever be and he would be honored if I took over his seat one day,” Williams proclaimed to a horrified Barkann.

As of press time, Charlie Manuel was seen stalking through the CSN offices with a fungo bat, claiming he just wanted to have a “friendly chat” with “that lying son-of-a-gun Williams.”

94 WIP rehires Tony Bruno and Josh Innes, plus 8 new co-hosts

Bruno (left) and Innes are back and will be joined by 8 new co-hosts.

Philadelphia, PA – One day after firing both Josh Innes and Tony Bruno from the afternoon drive time slot, 94 WIP program director Spike Eskin announced the duo has been rehired and will once again man the airwaves from 1 to 6 p.m.

Current host Anthony Gargano, who appeared on the air for one day, was fired. Rob Ellis, his co-host, has been moved to a bi-monthy 3 a.m. show, Eskin said.

“We feel Josh and Tony are the perfect fit for the 1 to 6 p.m. slot and will definitely challenge Mike MIssanelli for the number one spot in the ratings,” Eskin said during a press conference. “Plus, we think their new co-hosts will really add a lot to their unique brand of sports talk radio.”

Joining Bruno and Innes on a daily basis will be current 94 WIP host Glen Macnow, former host Steve Martorano, former Eagles great Chuck Bednarik, former mayoral candidate Milton Street, former NHL enforcer Dan Kordic, the ghost of Jimmie Foxx, Howard Eskin’s beard and the Philadelphia Phanatic.

“We really think the the Bruno, Innes, Macnow, Martorano, Bednark, Street, Kordic, Foxx, Eskin Beard and Philadelphia Phanatic Show is really going to give the station a firm direction moving forward,” Eskin said. “We’re especially excited about hiring Eskin’s beard, he was a great get.”

Perhaps in a reactionary move, 97.5 the Fanatic agreed to hire former 76ers mascot Hip Hop as a co-host for Missanelli.

Update:

94 WIP announced it has fired Howard Eskin from his part time show, but is allowing his beard to remain in the afternoon drive. Eskin was last seen at Ponzio’s Diner sobbing openly in the Garden Room.

Heeding Philadelphia’s call, Pope Francis condemns Ruben Amaro Jr. to hell

Pope Francis has had it up to HERE with Ruben Amaro Jr.’s nonsense.

Philadelphia, PA – Pope Francis gained a few more followers in the city of brotherly love today, as he endorsed a Vatican referendum condemning Ruben Amaro Jr. to hell.

Pope Francis, who is scheduled to visit Philadelphia in September, said he heard the citizens of Philadelphia loud and clear.

“I have heard the prayers of the thousands of Philadelphians, and I am not deaf,” Francis said during a recent general audience in Rome. “You want him to burn for eternity in hell, than it shall be so.”

Francis waved both hands at the audience as he was greeted with raucous cheers. He most certainly endeared himself to Philadelphians who prayed on bended knee day and night this past off season for Amaro Jr. to finally meet his maker and be cast into the foulest depths of the afterlife.

Francis gave his blessing to those who wished ill will towards Amaro Jr., citing the once mighty Philadelphia Phillies fall from grace as “reason enough” to wish someone’s soul to roast on the coals of hell for all time.

“I too am disappointed Amaro Jr. traded Cliff Lee and got nothing in return in 2010. I understand the Phillies could have had both pitchers all year, ultimately guaranteeing at least another World Series appearance. It’s a tragedy,” Francis said. “He truly wasted what could have been a glorious few years for the Philadelphia Phillies. And for this, yes, he does deserve to rot in hell.”

Francis promised he would make the decision official during his September visit. He urged all Philadelphians to bring various Ruben Amaro Jr. pictures and paraphernalia to the ceremony, promising it would be one to remember.

“To make up for his tomfoolery, I have also decided to nominate Harry Kalas for sainthood. Lord knows he did more for this city than Rube ever did,” Francis declared.

The ladies have spoken!

Easy there Tom, kids go on this blog!

Ladies, we heard you loud and clear at The Coggin Toboggan. Thanks for participating in our first ever Smooch Off poll between Tom Crean, University of Indiana mens head basketball coach, and Bill Belichik, head coach of the New England Patriots.

Bill put up a good fight, but the ladies cast their support behind Tom Crean smooching his son after an Indiana basketball game! And what’s not to like, am I right? That slicked back hair, the tender kiss, what lucky lady would not want to find themselves with Crean and his son!

Better luck next year, Bill. Maybe if you show a bit more passion with your daughter you might win the second annual Smooch Off poll at the CT!

Crean declined to comment on his victory and promptly blocked us on Twitter. Ooooh he’s a firey one!

Tony Bruno fired from 94 WIP due to declining ratings

Bruno (left) is out of the picture at 94 WIP. (Photo credit: Philly.com)

Philadelphia, PA – One day after the debut show of Josh Innes and Tony Bruno in the afternoon, company management representatives from 94 WIP have announced a change in direction when it comes to the afternoon drive slot.

Tony Bruno has been let go of his contract and will no longer appear alongside Josh Innes from 1 to 6 p.m. each afternoon. The duo performed one show together, setting their sites on ratings leaders Mike Missanelli of 97.5 the Fanatic, but unfortunately came up short.

Company representatives expressed frustration at the lack of a ratings gain from the two hosts.

“Quite simply, we thought we’d be farther ahead in the game than we are right now, so we felt it was time to make a change,” said Spike Eskin, the program director for 94 WIP. “We felt that we gave Tony and Josh an ample amount of time to really close that gap, but we just didn’t see the results.”

Eskin continued and announced an exciting new direction for the longtime sports radio station.

“We’ve hired a new host, a fresh talent, who we think is going to bring some unique ideas to our format,” Eskin said.

94 WIP has hitched its wagon to the rising star of Anthony Gargano, a lover of incredible meats.

Eskin then announced Anthony Gargano, a sports radio talk show host, has been hired to replace Bruno. Gargano will sit in with Innes immediately.

“Anthony Gargano will bring a reverberant voice to WIP. We’re very excited to see where this new talent will bring us,” Eskin said.

Gargano, a relative unknown to the Philadelphia sports talk scene, cited a love for the city and a love of incredible meats as his two main assets as a radio host.

The duo will begin their show today from 1 to 6 p.m.

UPDATE:

As of press time, 94 WIP has let Josh Innes out of his contract and announced Rob Ellis will team with Gargano for the afternoon drive slot.

Who is the better smoocher?

Ladies, we’ve heard you loud and clear at the CT. You want more content catering to female interests! Of course you do, how could you not?

Well we think this poll is right up your alley. Tell us your opinions on who is the better kisser between superhunks Bill Belichick and Tom Crean. Both head coaches are showcasing their smooching skills in these pictures, so who is better??

Who kisses their respective child on the mouth better? Bill Belichick kissing his daughter after Sunday’s Super Bowl victory, or Tom Crean kissing his son after a University of Indiana basketball game?

Let us know!

Steven Singer: Fuck it, we’re gold plating everything

You’ll really hate Steven Singer after spending $300 on a gold-dipped plate of shit.

Philadelphia, PA – Steven Singer, owner of Steven Singer Jewelers, a popular jewelry store that run advertisements on 94 WIP, The Howard Stern Show and the Opie and Jim Norton show, revealed a new direction his store would be taking for the remaining two weeks until Valentine’s Day.

Traditionally, Steven Singer Jewelers offers a different colored gold plated rose each Valentine’s season. Having run out of this year’s “butterscotch” colored rose with two weeks left in the season, Singer had to scramble for a solution.

“Just grab anything you can from the office, I don’t give a fuck what it is. Staplers, a cordless phone, a telephone book….anything at all god damnit!” Singer reportedly screamed to employees at his store on the corner of 7th and Walnut. “Anything that can fit in the gold dipper, just do it you fucks. People will buy anything that’s plated in gold, lets sell these blue collar slobs anything we can. Move move move!”

Singer could be seen running through his jewelry store, grabbing office supplies and scraps of his employees lunch, anything that he deemed “gold dippable.”

“Every year, every goddamn year we don’t have a correct estimate of these fucking gold-dipped roses. Dip faster people, dip fucking faster, we need to get these into the display cases!” he screamed. “You there! Four eyes, drop those glasses in that gold dipper or you’ll be out on your ass selling cubic zirconias with that Robbin’s Rocks fucker in Delaware.”

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So pretty.

Steven Singer Jewelers delivered several new live reads to 94 WIP, which will be running up until Valentine’s Day on Saturday, Feb. 14.

“Come in to Steven Singers Jewelers on the other corner of 8th and Walnut for your limited edition, gold-dipped chicken wing bone Andy Reid left here from 2007. Only $300 for this one of a kind, gold dipped masticated chicken wing your wife or girlfriend is sure to love,” Angelo Cataldi read over the airwaves Wednesday morning.

As of press time, window shoppers passing by the store could see a one of a kind, gold-dipped Pat Burrell discarded condom he left in the back room of the store in 2008.