BREAKING NEWS

American Pharoah will lose out on millions in stud fees

Elmont, NY – Shocking millions today, a disappointed Ahmed Zayat addressed the media and proclaimed his Triple Crown winning horse would not be put out to stud in the near future due to new information the horse revealed after his victory at the Belmont Stakes.

Surrounded by American Pharoah’s proud parents and a male horse later revealed as “Rusty,” a five-year-old Palomino, Zayat made the historic announcement in front of hundreds of reporters.

“American Pharoah informed us on Sunday afternoon that he is gay. We are supportive of Pharoah’s decision and all same-sex horse relationships in this country,” Zayat said. “We wish American Pharoah and Rusty all the best in the future. We are very happy that he can live his life the way he wants it…but he has informed us he will not be available to sire any sons or daughters in the future.”

American Pharoah stamped his foot on the ground once, indicating Zayat was correct. In a moment of tenderness and joy, the two horses shared a toothy kiss live on national television.

Zayat confirmed rampant rumors that have spread since the Kentucky Derby of American Pharoah’s sexuality. Media photos began to crop up after his victory at the Kentucky Derby, showing American Pharoah shopping for new horse shoes with an unidentified male friend (now known to be Rusty) at a local mall the day after the race.

Moments after Zayat’s press conference, calls started to pour into ABC complaining about the on air kiss shared between American Pharoah and Rusty. Despite the tender moment, citizens in the country who feel love should be between a horse man and horse woman only let their voices be heard.

“Last time I read my bible, it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Mr. Ed,” Shirley Thompson of Little Rock, Arkansas said to an NBC operator. “How am I supposed to explain this to my children? It’s just disgusting.”

Despite a vocal minority, the vast majority of citizens throughout the country celebrated the momentous event and agreed it was a step forward for same-sex horse relationships everywhere.

“It was lovely. I hope American Pharoah and Rusty will have a great life together. Maybe they can adopt a few foals later down the line?” Nancy Johnson of New Hyde Park, New York, said Monday morning.

As of press time, American Pharoah and Rusty were enjoying a moment of peace in their shared stall and happily munching away on a bale of alfalfa.

BREAKING NEWS: American Pharoah tests positive for performance enhancing oats

Disgraced Triple Crown champion American Pharoah.

Elmont, NY – Just two hours after a jubilant win at the Belmont Stakes to become the first Triple Crown champion since 1978, American Pharoah was forced to step down from the victor’s circle after testing positive for performance enhancing oats and doped carrots.

Blood testing on the disgraced animal was conducted immediately after the race and he tested positive for a number of banned substances, including steroid laced oats and carrots infused with Tetrahydrogestrinone, also known as “THG” or “The Clear.”

“He’s a bad horse. A very bad horse,” said Bob Baffert, trainer for American Pharoah.

Video also was released by the media mere minutes ago, which seems to show a shady looking horse delivering the banned substances to American Pharoah’s stall. In one moment of the video, Pharoah was shown stomping the ground twice, indicating “yes,” when asked if he would deliver 5 bales of premium alfalfa to the drug dealing animal for the substances.

As of press time American Pharoah was being transported to the nearest glue factory and awaiting trial.

Ruben Amaro Jr. fulfills lifelong dream of appearing on Price is Right, overbids on every item

Philadelphia, PA – Ruben Amaro Jr. got to live out one of his dreams on Wednesday, as the Philadelphia Phillies general manager went to a recording of the popular and long-running CBS game show “The Price is Right” and was chosen as one of the first individuals to appear on famed Contestant’s Row.

Amaro’s appearance on the show quickly became a laughingstock and viral video sensation as he overbid on every single item presented to contestants by host Drew Carey.

Things didn’t start out well for Amaro, as contestants were presented with a can of Del Monte wax beans and asked to guess the retail price without going over.

“Del Monte? Our scouts love Del Monte, they’re high on Del Monte, I know that,” Amaro Jr. said, as Carey asked him to initiate the bidding. “Drew, I’ll bid $600. That’s a quality bean and will serve us well in the future. The fans behind me may not like Del Monte wax beans or my bid, but they just don’t know this game. I know the Price is Right. All they do is bitch and complain, so what do they know?”

The retail price for the beans was $2.59. Members of the audience roundly booed a confused Amaro Jr. for his comments.

“You misunderstood, I just said a portion of you were ignorant pigs, not all of you!” Amaro pleaded, before a large root beer was poured down the back of his shirt.

And so it went. In the second round of bids, Ruben Amaro Jr. unsuccessfully bid $10,500 for an iPad Mini and then $980 in the third round for a collection of four Kohl’s brand Izod collared shirts.

“I don’t understand it,” a flabbergasted Amaro said. “How am I so bad at this?”

Breaking from show procedure, Amaro Jr. realized he would not be successful as a contestant and decided to trade away his position on contestant row to a lucky member of the audience. Despite repeated warnings from Carey that it was not a good idea to trade away his future as a contestant, Amaro Jr. decided to listen to his gut and press forward.

After no contestant jumped at his initial asking price of $10 million, Amaro Jr. found himself watching the rest of the show from the audience after he completed a successful trade with Agnes Klornfield of Tulsa, for a half-full tin of Altoids and an old lifesaver she found wadded up in a napkin in her purse for his spot.

“No regrets. Sure this lifesaver is old and has crud on it, but I’m very excited about the Altoids. I think they’re really going to do my breath some good in the future if they can ever be brought up to my mouth from their container,” Amaro Jr said.

As of press time, Amaro Jr. had spilled the tin of Altoids over the studio floor.

Ruben Amaro frantically trying to reach Sepp Blatter

Newest member of the Phillies front office.

Philadelphia, PA – Upon hearing embattled and corrupt FIFA President Sepp Blatter had resigned from his position, Ruben Amaro Jr. was seen sprinting to his office as he frantically looked up the international country code for Switzerland.

“This guy has got the goods and we need to reach him RIGHT NOW,” Amaro could be heard screaming at a frazzled assistant, who was trying to find a contact number for Blatter. “He has the knowledge and the experience to be a perfect front office member for our organization, GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GET ME THAT NUMBER.”

Representatives claimed it was the most energetic and passionate they have seen Amaro since he inked Chad Billingsley to a minor league contract earlier this year.

Amaro smashed his second generation Blackberry against his desk when his assistant could not reach Blatter by telephone.

“Get his email address, we need him in this organization and we NEED HIM NOW. I’ve never been more sure of something in my entire life. Fans will love this guy, offer him anything he wants, JUST DO IT NOW!”

As of press time, Amaro had reached a confused Blatter and was trying to explain the rules of baseball to the 79-year-old corrupt president.

UPDATE: Amaro successfully inked Blatter to a lifetime deal, worth $5 million for every year Blatter serves in the front office. He then named Blatter as his successor as GM.

Matt Barkley vows to defeat Tim Tebow in saddest quarterback competition of all time

This is the face of a determined third string quarterback.

Philadelphia, PA – Said in front of one half-paying attention member of the media and an intern with the Drexel Triangle, Matt Barkley vowed he would beat out Tim Tebow for the third string quarterback position on the roster in the most depressing offseason story of the year so far.

Fans throughout the Delaware Valley agreed this is “much, much worse” than Lesean McCoy’s accusations of Chip Kelly being a racist.

In a recent straw poll conducted by Philly.com, 80% of respondents claimed they would rather read old game summaries from the 2004 season over Barkley vs. Tebow, 15% claimed they would rather watch Howard Eskin pick out a new fur coat and 5% claimed they would rather drink a glass of Marcus Hayes’ neck sweat than pay attention to this nonsense.

Defiant in the face of adversity, Barkley said he definitely had far fewer passes chucked at the feet of wide open receivers than Tebow. He also pointed to the fact that head coach Chip Kelly had asked him to get him a cup of coffee over Tebow near the tail end of the morning session.

“Did you see when I threw one of the practice footballs to Mark (Sanchez) from the sideline? That had to be at least 15 yards out and I threw it way, way over his head. It didn’t come close to him. Shows off my arm strength,” Barkley told Jennifer McThompson, sophomore journalism major at Drexel University and sports contributor to the school’s paper The Triangle.

McThompson promised she would try to get her profile of Barkley on the front page of the paper if her interview with “Philly Jesus” fell through.

Chip Kelly asks Riley Cooper to please stop defending him

Take off the next few plays and just stop talking, Riley.

Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly decried any and all defenses of him by Riley Cooper in the past and near future, after the casually racist wide receiver spoke highly of him in an interview with the Delco Times.

“It’s definitely difficult and upsetting for sure,” Cooper said to Bob Grotz. “I know (Kelly is) not like that.”

Kelly visibly shuddered upon hearing the quote. Kelly has been defending himself against claims of racism by former Eagles running back Lesean McCoy.

“Riley is just trying to help, I know, but please, for the love of god, do not say nice things about me in public anymore. My goodness you are not helping at all,” Kelly said.

“Good god, Riley, just shut your mouth, please.”

Kelly doubled down on his comments and said Cooper was the last person in the world who should be coming to his defense.

“It’s like the KKK coming to the defense of Mark Fuhrman. It’s just not going to help anything,” Kelly said. “You’re not helping anyone, Riley.”

As of press time, Kelly was seen frantically running towards the Eagles media tent as several national media cameras were huddling around Cooper.

Byron Maxwell guarantees Eagles Super Bowl appearance in well thought out scheme

Byron, my god, what are you doing?!

Philadelphia, PA – After carefully weighing his options and mulling over the pros and cons, Byron Maxwell, new Eagles corner back, guaranteed the Eagles would appear in the Super Bowl after participating in one OTA.

Maxwell made his statement around 12:15 p.m. this afternoon.

(more…)

Sam Bradford wows during iron lung drills at Philadelphia Eagles OTAs

Sam Bradford, in happier and healthier times.

Philadelphia, PA – Eagles teammates were buzzing at the completion of OTAs yesterday, everyone wanting to talk about the new Eagles quarterback Sam Bradford and his performance at the NovaCare Complex this week.

Described as being in “mid-season” form, Bradford reportedly spent most of the week encased in an iron lung, struggling to breathe as team physicians and a team priest huddled around him, monitoring the frail 27-year-old athlete.

(more…)

Ruben Amaro Jr: I was misquoted

Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps looking for some damage control a day after a conversation with Jim Salisbury, Ruben Amaro Jr. took to the airwaves on Philadelphia media and claimed the CSN Philly reporter severely misquoted him in the now infamous story where Amaro said fans don’t understand the game.

He first claimed he was misquoted Monday morning, in an on-air appearance with WIP host Howard Eskin.

“Howard, I never said the fans ‘don’t understand the game,’ that’s just not true,” Amaro said. “What I really told Jim Salisbury is that I don’t understand how 99% of the mouth-breathing fans in this town can support a family when they’re this fucking stupid and inept.”

Eskin abruptly turned off Amaro’s microphone and quickly ended the segment, going into a hasty live read for Steven Singer. Even though is microphone was off, Amaro could be heard in the background over Eskin complaining that “If these retarded fans think Nola is going to turn this shipwreck around, they should take a long walk off a short pier.”

Amaro continued his apology tour, appearing on 97.5 The Fanatic with Mike Missanelli in the afternoon.

“As I said earlier, Mike, I was misquote. I never said the fans ‘bitch and complain because we don’t have a plan.’ I would never say this,” Amaro said. “No, I actually said I get tired of hearing these inbred morons bitching and complaining about their pathetic lives when they’re in MY stadium, when they should be drinking themselves to death and spending money in our concession stands. Fuck these pieces of garbage. How DARE they insult Ruben, I am a god in this horrific town.”

Missanelli was too busy daydreaming about his cat to dump out of Amaro’s tantrum and was immediately released from his contract at the end of the show.

As of press time, Amaro Jr. flipped off a number of booing fans outside of The Fanatic and was pulled over after running a red light. He was charged to the fullest extent of the law, much to the delight of everyone in Philadelphia and South Jersey.

Bartolo Colon ejected for suspiciously delicious foreign substance on arm during yesterday’s start

Bartolo eats because he is unhappy, and unhappy because he eats. It’s a vicious cycle.

New York, NY – Bartolo Colon, starting pitcher for the New York Mets, was ejected from his start after Philadelphia Phillies manager Ryne Sandberg alerted home plate umpire Larry Vanover to a strange substance on the pitchers forearm.

Upon closer inspection, Vanover found the substance was blue cheese dressing. He was able to confirm the substance’s presence even though Colon frantically tried to lick the condiment off of his forearm before the umpire could reach the pitcher’s mound.

Through a brief search, Vanover also found several buffalo wings stowed away under Colon’s cap. As he left the field, several pieces of celery fell from his pockets and a number of wet naps could be seen sticking out of the back pocket of his uniform.

A closeup of the embattled and rotund pitcher showed his face was smeared with hot sauce and several pieces of chicken were stuck in the folds of his neck fat.

“Frankly, there’s no place for it in baseball. We fully expect Bartolo to be suspended and we will be sending him to an emergency Weight Watchers meeting as soon as possible,” New York Mets manager Terry Collins told the media after the game was concluded.

Colon was not available to take media questions after the game, as he said he had some pressing matters to attend to at the clubhouse buffet

The Coggin Toboggan

The finest Philadelphia sports blog spewed from the mind of an alcoholic