BREAKING NEWS

Newest 76er Jahlil Okafor trashes greenroom after draft interview

Brooklyn, NY – Smiling for the cameras and an interview with ESPN, newest 76er Jahlil Okafor vehemently denied reports his agent asked Philadelphia to not draft the Duke center, as he did not want to be part of a rebuilding process with the organization.

“No, no that’s absolutely false. I am thrilled to be with the Philadelphia 76ers and I cannot wait to begin my career with such a storied franchise. I am beyond happy to get on the court next year and help this team become the best it can be. Will you excuse me for just a minute?” Okafor said, abruptly ending his draft interview with an ESPN draft reporter.

The smiling Okafor calmly walked into a greenroom and closed the door, after which several observers said they heard loud crashes and a number of highly offensive expletives coming from the staging area.

“Whyyyyy, whyyyyyyyy, WHYYYYYYYYYYY! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!” Okafor was heard screaming from the room.

After several minutes of yelling, smashing, and what sounded like quiet sobbing, the still smiling Okafor exited the greenroom and said he just needed a few minutes to reflect on the momentous night.

Free-agent Phillippe Aumont vows revenge against Phillies organization

(above) Some loser.

Philadelphia, PA – The last piece to the Cliff Lee trade has been released from the Phillies organization, as relief pitcher Phillippe Aumont did not accept an assignment to the minors and has become a free agent.

Aumont represented the last piece of the Cliff Lee in 2009. The reliever was none to pleased to be released and let Manager Ryne Sandberg know it yesterday when he stormed into the skipper’s office.

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76ers 2015 draft preview

Tomorrow night is a pivotal moment for the future of the 76ers. Holding the 3rd overall pick in the 2015 draft, GM Sam Hinkie has several big decisions to make which will impact the direction the franchise goes in for the next 5 years.

Will the 76ers stay at the 3rd pick? Will they trade up to acquire coveted point guard D’Angelo Russell, or will they trade down to accrue even more picks in a heavy draft?

Whatever the decision, The Coggin Toboggan has taken a look at some of the intangibles of the potential players whom may fall to the 76ers.

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BREAKING: Pete Rose made several bets while with the Phillies

Philadelphia, PA – The bad news keeps rolling in for baseball’s estranged son, as new evidence in the incriminating pages of the notebook confiscated by Major League Baseball in 1989 has shown Pete Rose most certainly placed several bets during his playing days with the Phillies.

Famous for being an intricate part of the 1980 World Series championship squad, Rose placed several bets during his time with the Phillies.

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Eagles Marcus Smith gaining confidence he can successfully qualify for unemployment benefits

The soon to be unemployed Marcus Smith.

Philadelphia, PA – Marcus Smith’s spirits were high at the end of Eagles minicamp yesterday, as the second year linebacker was reportedly confident he could successfully qualify for unemployment benefits by the start of the regular season.

The linebacker was reportedly thrilled when Chip Kelly dropped off the free Pennsylvania unemployment benefit packets to his locker late Thursday afternoon.

“This is just fabulous. My confidence is the highest it has ever been since joining the Eagles,” Smith said, as he diligently plowed through the information.

Per Pennsylvania law, Smith could qualify for bi-weekly payments as high as $547.

“Righteous bucks,” Smith said.

Kelly said he was pleased at Smith’s progress and noted the ceiling was quite high for the second year linebacker who would no doubt be cut before training camp begins.

“He’s a great kid. We think he could really make something of himself if he just hangs in there and hauls himself up by his bootstraps. I could definitely see him in some sort of trade school this year if he gets his mind right and doesn’t get overwhelmed.”

As of press time, Smith was seen using the team’s computer and had successfully uploaded an application to Devry University.

He received a rejection letter less than 15 minutes later.

Ruben Amaro Jr. openly wonders if he can get in on this D’Angelo Russell action

Ohio State Buckeyes guard D'Angelo Russell (0) drives to the basket in the first half of the college basketball game between the Ohio State Buckeyes and the Maryland Terrapins at Value City Arena in Columbus, Thursday evening, January 29, 2015. As of half time the Ohio State Buckeyes led the Maryland Terrapins 34 - 26. (The Columbus Dispatch / Eamon Queeney)

Philadelphia, PA – Impressed by the workouts and positive attitude of Ohio State point guard D’Angelo Russell, Ruben Amaro Jr. openly wondered if the Phillies could get in on some of this “sweet, sweet D’Angelo Russell action.”

“If the 76ers draft D’Angelo, could he come to a few of our games? Maybe shag some fly balls? He seems legitimately excited to potentially be playing for Philadelphia and we desperately need some positivity on this team. He seems like a bright young man, and someone who wouldn’t openly yell at Bob (McClure, Phillies pitching coach) about his inability to use the bullpen phone correctly.”

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Ken Giles explains reason for blowup: I’m on the Phillies

Philadelphia, PA – After a blowup on the mound and in the dugout during Friday nights game with the Pirates, Ken Giles explained his heated argument with several of the Phillies coaches.

“It’s not a big deal. It’s just, I’m on the Phillies, it’s nothing out of the ordinary,” Giles explained to reporters. “I have these freak outs all the time. I just feel badly that this happened on the field. I usually blow up in the clubhouse or in the privacy of my own home.”

Giles went on to explain most of the members of the roster have their own separate freak outs with their frustration with being on one of the worst teams in baseball. It has become so commonplace, he said, management doesn’t even fine or punish players for berating coaches and executives.

When asked for more details, Giles said Chase Utley has broken about 87 bats in the locker room this season alone and wrestled Ryne Sandberg to the ground and rubbed pine tar all over his face when the skipper told Utley he would be sitting a few games.

“Everyone does it. I’m disappointed in myself for doing it in public. I should have waited until the game ended and really laid in that little weasel Larry Bowa. He is the worst. It’s a great way to blow off steam when you realize you’re on this horrid team and Ruben Amaro is going to botch any trade you may be involved in.”

As of press time, Giles had reportedly gotten in Bowa’s face and was spitting sunflower seeds into the bench coaches hair.

Evan Mathis digs out Eagles tracking device from the base of his skull

Philadelphia, PA – Mere hours after being released, Pro-Bowl guard Evan Mathis wasted no time in moving on from the organization, using a razor sharp bowie knife to dig out the mandatory Eagles tracking implant from the base of his rear skull.

“Oh god…so much blood,” Mathis reportedly muttered to himself, before he crushed the device under the heel of his boot.

The devices are implanted in every Eagles athlete and monitors there whereabouts, health, sexual activity, diet, private conversations and inner most thoughts.

All members of the organization are required to wear the monitoring devices as per the mandate of Chip Kelly, who pours over the data until the wee hours in the morning. Several representatives within the organization are reporting Kelly is slowly going mad from the influx of data.

“It’s just too much for him. He yelled at me last season for watching five minutes of Sportscenter after the mandated lights out period. How the hell did he know I was staying up past curfew? At least I don’t have to hear him yelling at me again because I didn’t finish my protein slurry shake,” Mathis said. “Too much power in just one man’s hands can lead anyone into insanity, I suppose.”

Mathis then sharpened his knife and prepared to dig out the digital playbook device that had been surgically installed in his brain stem.

76ers contact shadow organization to extradite Dario Saric from Turkey

Instanbul, Turkey – Citing what’s best for business, Sam Hinkie traveled to Istanbul today to meet with several underground figures in the back of a dimly lit, smoke filled Turkish bazaar to begin plans to extradite Dario Saric from his contract with Anadolu Efes S.K.

“You have a man that you want freed, we have a large debt that needs to be paid. I think we can work with each other in this regard,” said Aslan “The Lion” Myanabad. “The cost will be 3 million lira…but I warn you, the penalty for such a thing is many years in the Eskişehir (prison) and I would not wish this upon my worst enemy.”

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Chip Kelly: Bradford right on track for week 3 injured reserve appearance

Philadelphia, PA – Pleased at Sam Bradford’s progress in OTAs so far, Chip Kelly told media at the conclusion of practice today that Sam Bradford is “right on track to be placed on injured reserve by week three.”

“Sam is hobbling around out there like he’s really got something to prove. I’m not one for making predictions, but he may even be on the IR by week two if he keeps on progressing,” he said.

Bradford participated in several drills yesterday afternoon, throwing to receivers in 7 on 7 sets, grimacing and clutching his shoulder after every throw longer than five yards.

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