Sam Bradford

Eagles bringing in Doug Pederson to help Sam Bradford’s sleeve game

 

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My god, just look at those things. What a presence.

Philadelphia, PA – The Eagles front office knew they were taking a huge risk by bringing in Kansas City Chiefs offensive coordinator Doug Pederson to be the next head coach.

However, the organization believes Pederson can take Sam Bradford to the next level, and hopefully, a Super Bowl in the near future.

“We feel Doug can really elevate Sam’s sleeve game. Pederson was known for his long, tightly cinched sleeves during his playing days, and we feel he can teach Sam the finer points of that area,” Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie said.

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NFL ban on pre-game warmup accessories hurts Eagles morale

Bene BenwikerePhiladelphia, PA – As a result of several Carolina Panthers menacingly wielding a bat toward New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. this past weekend, the NFL has banned all accessories and non-essential items during pre-game warmups.

The ban has negatively affected several member of the Eagles. Sam Bradford, for one, typically walked out onto the field during warmups using a pair of crutches.

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Sam Bradford planning to catch up on reading, injuries in next 2 weeks

111515-NFL-CRUNCH-TIME-EH-PI.vadapt.620.high.68Philadelphia, PA – Despite suffering a concussion and a separated shoulder this past Sunday, Sam Bradford was upbeat about the next two weeks.

The young quarterback said he hates to miss games, but if he has to sit out for an injury he likes to make the most of his situation.

“Sometimes it’s good to be able to take a step back from a trying season, to take some time for yourself,” Bradford told reporters Wednesday morning.

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Just sit back and enjoy each 76ers loss, the most entertaining team in the city

76ers logoI’ve watched 16 minutes of the first period of the Flyers game against the Edmonton Oilers, who are 4-8, and have outshot the Flyers by 16-2 so far.

The Eagles are so bad this season the fan base practically begged the Eagles to seriously consider parting ways with draft picks to trade for Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick was benched this week in favor of backup QB Blaine Gabbert, the very same Blaine Gabbert who has thrown more interceptions in his professional career than touchdowns.

They want him to replace Sam Bradford. Bradford has the longest sleeves in the NFL. That’s the only positive you can mention about him this season.

It’s going to be a shitty winter. Perhaps Phil Connors said it best, “I’ll give you a winter prediction: It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.”

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Chip Kelly monitoring Eagles during bye week with state-of-the-art ball and chain technology

092313-kelly-chip-eagles-600Philadelphia, PA – Ever the innovator, Chip Kelly is adding a new piece to his ever growing bag of tricks to improve his athletes’ performance on and off the field.

In addition to personally designed health smoothies, bedtime curfews, and internal health monitors, Kelly announced each member of the roster would be receiving a 45-pound ball and chain for the bye week.

“Wearing this new piece of technology is mandatory for each member of the roster. We give our players leeway to be grown men and we trust them to make smart decisions, but this will ensure they behave during the off week,” Kelly said.

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Ryan Mathews in doghouse after 63-yard touchdown run

Eagles' Ryan Matthews celebrates scoring his first-quarter touchdown against the Baltimore Ravens in a preseson game on Saturday, August 22, 2015 in Philadelphia. ( DAVID MAIALETTI / Staff Photographer )

Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly benched Ryan Mathews last night during the Eagles 16-27 loss against the Carolina Panthers in favor of DeMarco Murray, who seemed a step slow all night and hesitant to hit holes opened by the Eagles meager offensive line.

The normally reserved Kelly did not shy away from media questions during his post-game press conference last night in Carolina.

“It was unacceptable. He blatantly defied orders to look confused and hesitant when he received a handoff, he didn’t fall down at the slightest bit of contact, and he didn’t meekly tip toe out of bounds five yards behind the line of scrimmage when faced with a linebacker,” Kelly said.

“It’s why he didn’t see the field for more than a few plays after that. It’s all about the system we run in Philadelphia, and he didn’t fit that tonight,” Kelly said.

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Sam Bradford super stoked for new Battlefield Earth trailer

Sam BPhiladelphia, PA – Leading 17-7 at halftime, Eagles Quarterback Sam Bradford led his team into the tunnel and sprinted into the locker room and straight to the nearest television set.

When asked what he was so excited for, Bradford said he couldn’t “wait for the new Battlefield Earth trailer.”

“It’s debuting tonight during the game, didn’t you guys hear? Boy am I excited! Travolta! Pepper! Scientology! Golly, that movies got it all doesn’t it! A great message and some great acting, I can’t wait!” he excitedly said, before clicking the tv on.

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Joel Embiid kicked field goals today at Eagles walk through

JoelPhiladelphia, PA – Joel Embiid made a surprise visit to Lincoln Financial Field to visit with several members of the Philadelphia Eagles this morning for their walkthrough before their game against the New York Giants tonight.

He surprised even more onlookers as the injured center was spotted kicking several field goals during the walk through as well.

Embiid wasn’t going half speed as well, several representatives reported to the Coggin, as he had worked up “quite a sweat out there,” attempting multiple 30, 40, and 50-yard field goal attempts on the slippery surface.

The young 76ers center recently had a second surgery on his right foot, the second in two years, to take care of a stress fracture that has not let him play yet for Philadelphia. Embiid’s dedication to his rehabilitation program was called into question last week after a Sports Illustrated article revealed he shunned the healthy food provided to him by 76ers representatives and nearly came to blows with the team conditioning coach.

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Angelo Cataldi sheepishly returns Mark Sanchez jersey to back of closet

060512-Angelo-Cataldi-400Philadelphia, PA – Several attendees of the Cataldi family weekly Eagles party confirmed yesterday that a sheepish Angelo Cataldi attempted to change back into a Sam Bradford jersey he had enthusiastically shed after the first quarter of the Eagles games Sunday afternoon.

Reports claim Cataldi began the game in his Bradford jersey, but threatened to remove the garment after Bradford’s first interception was thrown on the Eagles second possession of the game. After Bradford’s second red zone interception before the end of the first quarter, Cataldi reportedly made a “huge deal” about how he “was finished with Bradford” and stomped upstairs to his bedroom.

When he returned, he was wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey and vociferously began calling for Bradford’s benching.

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Bobby Hoying reappears, demands starting quarterback job with Eagles

Bobby HoyingPhiladelphia, PA – Bobby Hoying barged into the NovaCare Complete this morning, shaking hands with players and introducing himself as “the new starting ball slinger for this sorry ass state of a football team.”

Last seen fleeing the premises of the Wells Fargo Center after the Wing Bowl in January to welch on a $10,000 gambling debt, Hoying said he had to “cool his heels” down in Mexico and reinvigorated his game taking part in one of the Mexican cartel’s American Football teams.

“I had my head on the chopping block after pissing off the wrong hombre down in Mexico, when luckily one of those amigos remembered me from my days with the Oakland Raiders. As luck would have it, their starting quarterback had been executed gangland style after showing up light a few kilos come payment time and ol’ Bobby got the job,” Hoying said.

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