Ruben Amaro Jr.

Ruben Amaro Jr: I was misquoted

Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps looking for some damage control a day after a conversation with Jim Salisbury, Ruben Amaro Jr. took to the airwaves on Philadelphia media and claimed the CSN Philly reporter severely misquoted him in the now infamous story where Amaro said fans don’t understand the game.

He first claimed he was misquoted Monday morning, in an on-air appearance with WIP host Howard Eskin.

“Howard, I never said the fans ‘don’t understand the game,’ that’s just not true,” Amaro said. “What I really told Jim Salisbury is that I don’t understand how 99% of the mouth-breathing fans in this town can support a family when they’re this fucking stupid and inept.”

Eskin abruptly turned off Amaro’s microphone and quickly ended the segment, going into a hasty live read for Steven Singer. Even though is microphone was off, Amaro could be heard in the background over Eskin complaining that “If these retarded fans think Nola is going to turn this shipwreck around, they should take a long walk off a short pier.”

Amaro continued his apology tour, appearing on 97.5 The Fanatic with Mike Missanelli in the afternoon.

“As I said earlier, Mike, I was misquote. I never said the fans ‘bitch and complain because we don’t have a plan.’ I would never say this,” Amaro said. “No, I actually said I get tired of hearing these inbred morons bitching and complaining about their pathetic lives when they’re in MY stadium, when they should be drinking themselves to death and spending money in our concession stands. Fuck these pieces of garbage. How DARE they insult Ruben, I am a god in this horrific town.”

Missanelli was too busy daydreaming about his cat to dump out of Amaro’s tantrum and was immediately released from his contract at the end of the show.

As of press time, Amaro Jr. flipped off a number of booing fans outside of The Fanatic and was pulled over after running a red light. He was charged to the fullest extent of the law, much to the delight of everyone in Philadelphia and South Jersey.

It’s a take about nothing: Maikel Franco!

Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice.

What’s the deal with Maikel Franco rumored to be coming up to the Phillies on Friday?! He’s up, he’s down, he’s up, he’s down, he’s being bounced around more than a basketball at a Jewish summer day camp!

But seriously, make a decision on this kid and end it! He’s racked up more frequent flyer miles from Philadelphia to Reading than Governor Christie has charged cheesesteaks to the New Jersey taxpayer. Am I crazy, or is that a lot of cheesesteaks?!

Just play him or get rid of him Amaro, we’re serious. Enough of this kid getting yanked around each year, lets see if he can swing the stick or not. Look to the cookie, Elaine, look to the cookie!

All of this coming up and down reminds me of Larry David in the open mic scene in New York back in the early 80s. He’d come with me to the Chuckle Hut, high on cocaine and gefilte fish, and agonize for hours on whether he’d take a stab at this comedy thing. I’d have to convince him to come out of the mens room to perform for his five minutes, which would just lead to him drooling on the microphone in a cocaine and bourbon induced stupor.

On a related note, it’s how he came up with the gag of Kramer drooling on the gym floor after getting a strong shot of novocaine and hurting Jimmy. Except in real life, one of the talented young comics slipped on Larry’s drool and actually became PARALYZED from the waist down and never did comedy again! Believe me, the gag was much funnier when we did it on Seinfeld years later and much less tragic.

What’s the deal?!

Cody Asche optioned to big farm upstate to transition to happier life

He’ll be so much happier now.

Philadelphia, PA – Following a 4-3 loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates Monday night, current third baseman Cody Asche was optioned to a big farm with plenty of wide open spaces to transition into a much more happier life than the Phillies could ever provide for him.

“He’s going to a big farm where he’ll have plenty of space to run around, to dance and prance among the poppies, somewhere he’ll be much, much happier,” Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. reportedly told the clubhouse after the game. “He’s going to like it so much better there.”

The 24-year-old third baseman was reportedly seen being loaded into a nondescript white van and transported away from the stadium after the game.

Several members of the roster expressed confusion as to why Asche had to leave.

“But…but Rube…why did Asche have to go. Will we ever see him again?” A tearful Ben Revere asked the GM, sitting atop Amaro’s knee in the clubhouse.

“Cody just needed to be somewhere else. It wasn’t because you were a bad boy, he just wasn’t going to become the best ballplayer he possibly could with our organization. No, no Ben, we can’t visit him. His new family would be much too sad. This is better for all of us.”

As of press time, observers noted hearing a loud shotgun blast from the van transporting Asche. The vehicle then made a sharp left and started to drive towards the waterfront.

Ruben Amaro Jr. inspired after watching Bruce Jenner special

A very brave and courageous man.

Philadelphia, PA – After seeing the inspiring Bruce Jenner special this past week, in which the world famous athlete described his transition and inner struggle with becoming a woman, Ruben Amaro Jr. called an impromptu press conference this morning and invited past and present Phillies athletes to attend.

In his declaration to the media, Amaro promised a “breathtaking reveal.”

In front of hundreds at the press conference, a visibly shaken and nervous Amaro approached the podium, took a deep breath, and began his announcement.

“Ladies and gentlemen, for the past six years, I have been the general manager of the Philadelphia Phillies,” He said, stammering for a second before pausing to collect his thoughts. “This, this is much harder than I thought it would be. I watched Bruce Jenner on ABC this past weekend and he was so brave, letting people know who he really is. It’s about time that everyone knows the real me.”

“I just…people need to know. I need them to know the real me,” he said. He looked around the room and took a very deep breath. “People need to know that I’m not a winner. The real me, the real me to the core, is a complete loser.”

Amaro took a moment to dab at his eyes with a handkerchief and then continued.

“I know I had some good years with this team, but last year and this season have been the real me. I’m a loser, a big fat loser. Wow…that feels good. I can promise all of you that I will no longer pretend to be a winner in front of any of you. This is me, take it for what you will.”

As of press time, Larry Anderson was muttering to himself in the back of the room as he looked on disinterestedly.

“Who the fuck didn’t know that?”

NFL: Pope Francis visit to Philadelphia altered Eagles schedule

Philadelphia, PA – As the NFL schedule for the Philadelphia Eagles was released yesterday, an interesting wrinkle faced by the schedulers was revealed this morning. The Eagles 2015-2016 schedule was directly altered by Pope Francis’ visit to the city of brotherly love in September, as the leader of the Christian world declared there was “absolutely no way” he would be in the same city as the New York Jets during his worldwide tour.

Philadelphia Cardinal Justin Francis Rigali sent the NFL a letter, respectfully asking the Eagles not play a home game during week 3 of the season during the Pope’s visit.

“There is enough suffering in the world that I have to see and attend to when I’m traveling, I don’t need my mood darkened by a third rate NFL team in my presence,” Pope Francis said in a letter to the NFL earlier this year.

Citing their lack of an NFL caliber quarterback, two washed up running backs and the “insanity of bringing back Revis,” Pope Francis declared the Jets to be an absolute train wreck.

In addition to the Jets not being allowed in Philadelphia during his presence, Pope Francis also asked that several other people and organizations not be in the city during his visit:

– “Please remove Howard Eskin from the city confines during my trip. I don’t need to hear his nonsense on the radio or even on Twitter.”

– “The less I see of Ruben Amaro Jr., the better, believe me.”

– “Sam Bradford may stay, but please tell him to stop sending me letters to heal his ailments. There’s only so much I can do during my trip.”

As of press time, Howard Eskin and 55 of his fur coats were dumped over Philadelphia city lines by Philadelphia Police and told not to come back until October.

The Bongo Cam is the most recognizable part of the Phillies franchise

I can hear that beat right now….

Philadelphia, PA – For the third season in a row, Phillies fans rated the “Bongo Cam,” the in-game piece of entertainment, as the most recognizable and enjoyable part of the Phillies franchise.

“For the third year in a row, the Phillies fans have spoken. In our annual poll of our season ticket fans, The Bongo Cam was far and away the top performer. The fans not only named it the best fan experience in the stadium, but also said it was the most dependable member of the franchise and wished it could play right field,” an anonymous Phillies employee told The Coggin.

The festive video encourages fans to get out of their seats and play an imaginary pair of bongos on the Phillies big outfield screens. The video always brings a smile to the face of the guests as they watch their fellow fans play along with the lively music.

“Usually it’s by far the most entertaining part of any game they attend,” the employee said. “We began playing it every eighth inning last year to at least give the fans an excuse to stay that late.”

For the third year in a row, Jonathan Papelbon and Ruben Amaro Jr. finished at a tie in dead last in the poll.

Phillies announce firing of Ruben Amaro Jr., new direction for organization

Philadelphia, PA – In a stunning move this morning, acting Phillies President Pat Gillick announced that GM Ruben Amaro Jr. has been let go from his contract. He cited years of down play from the team, questionable free agent signings and one of the worst trade records from any general manager in all of professional baseball.

“We felt this is what was best for the Phillies. For Ruben to take them from where they were in 2009 after I left and to have them be here…my goodness, why were we keeping him on for this long,” Gillick said.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. wondering if his Super Bowl tickets purchased from Don Tollefson are still coming

He looks like a trustworthy guy.

Philadelphia, PA – Speaking to reporters this afternoon, Ruben Amaro Jr. openly worried if Don Tollefson’s recent jail sentencing will in any way affect the delivery of his Super Bowl tickets.

Amaro Jr. revealed he purchased two VIP, full access tickets to Super Bowl 50 at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, Calif., next year. He purchased the tickets for $20,000 each from Tollefson’s charity foundation last month.

“I heard he was just sentenced to jail for 2 to 4 years. Wow, I hope this has nothing to do with his charity, I wonder what happened?” Amaro said. “I still haven’t gotten those tickets from Don yet, he said they would be delivered this past weekend, but I haven’t seen them yet.”

Tollefson, of course, was sentenced to prison for taking hundreds of thousands of dollars from area residents who purchased tickets or VIP meet and greets from the embattled sports broadcaster.

Tollefson did not deliver on the majority of the purchases and bilked thousands of dollars from sports fans in the name of his charity.

“I just wonder if my tickets are going to get here this weekend or the next. I paid an extra $10,000 per ticket for all access, which Don told me would get me into the lockers rooms and even the huddles on field during the big game. I had no idea that was even a possibility, I can’t wait for that game!” Amaro Jr. said.

As of press time, Amaro Jr. was still waiting by mailbox for the postman to arrive.

For 6th year in a row, Ruben Amaro Jr. has no takers for March Madness pool

Poor Ruben.

Clearwater, Fla – Since being named GM in 2009, Ruben Amaro Jr. has attempted to host an NCAA March Madness pool with members of the Phillies and for six years in a row no athlete or employee has signed up to participate.

“I don’t understand it. Every year I send out an email to everyone and nobody ever gets back to me in time. Nobody sends me brackets. It’s only $10 to join,” Amaro said, as he glumly looked at his computer yesterday afternoon before the start of the first games.

Amaro, who for the record predicted SMU would win the championship and most likely would have lost in the first round, dejectedly had to throw his bracket away for another year.

“I got all this pizza and some sandwiches, I thought everyone could watch the first round together,” he said, as he sat alone in his office, nobody even in the Clearwater complex despite there being no practice or game scheduled for the day. “I really thought some of the new guys would sign up, you know, just to keep on my good side. Grady Sizemore seemed interested, but it just never happened.”

CT reporters caught up with Ryan Howard, who was at a local Buffalo Wild Wings with about 35 of his teammates, and asked the slugger why nobody decided to participate with Ruben.

“He’s an ok guy I guess, but he’s so god damn boring. The last thing anyone wants is to cultivate any personal relationship with him outside of the office….he gets a bit, well, clingy. Everyone remembers the Aaron Rowand incident.”

Howard of course was citing the famed 2006 incident where former center fielder Rowand spent a lengthy amount of time on the DL for breaking his face in a collision with an outfield wall. He made the mistake of going to a bar with Amaro one day after a victory, and the GM called and texted him with abandon for the rest of the season.

“Besides, Larry Andersen holds one every year and it’s great. Everyone wants to do his,” Howard said.

Andersen, who was watching the games with two high priced escorts on his lap, pounded his Miller Lite and agreed with Howard.

“Ruben is a square. Nobody wants to hang out with him when they could hang out with good ol’ LA. Isn’t that right ladies?” He said, doing a bump of cocaine off of a Bowie knife that he sheathed back into a leather holster. “Winner of my tourney gets a huge pot and a hooker on LA’s tab. Not a bad haul if you ask me.”

As of press time, Amaro was pouring several liters of Shasta down a drain in the men’s room.

It’s Friday the 13th. Who would be doomed? (hint: everyone)

Quick, everyone run into that abandoned hospital, we’ll be safe in there.

If there’s one thing we love at the Coggin Toboggan almost as much as we love Philadelphia sports, it’s horror movies. Today, of course, is Friday the 13th, the infamous date of one of the longest running horror franchises in movie history. Hell, we’re up to 11 original movies and a reboot, with more in sight, so why not take a look at some local Philadelphia sports figures and give our best estimations on whether or not they’d survive one of the Friday the 13th movies?

We’ll just run this down list style, and after taking a look at some of these losers I don’t think there’s going to be much of a chance for any of them.

We’ve given this a lot of thought and have really looked at the following figures and their intangibles, so lets see who will survive and who will die a gruesome, gruesome death.