Moments after predicting an Eagles victory of the San Diego in week four to improve their record to 4-0 on the year, 97.5 Fanatic Midday show host Rob Ellis stiffened his hips and then groaned erotically on-air before he could begin delving into the week 5 match-up against the Arizona Cardinals.
For several minutes after, listeners were treated to Ellis’s deep, contended breathing and nothing more.
Randall Cunningham is rolling over in his grave with all this nonsense about the Eagles jerseys.
No city in America is more obsessed with a uniform color scheme than the mouth-breathing Eagles fans who are preoccupied beyond measure for their beloved Kelly Green. Only this city could be head over heels for a fictional boxer and a color that hasn’t been used for decades.
This is where you should certainly draw a line in the sand, Jeffrey Lurie, the stupid color for the jerseys. Fight to bring them back as alternate uniforms, that’s ideally what you and the organization should be focusing on. The Eagles are .500 since the 2010 and haven’t won a playoff game since 2008…..BUT THEY’RE BRINGING BACK THE KELLY GREENS!
Trouble is coming back to Philadelphia.
Philadelphia, PA – Shouts of “Foles coming yo!” rang out through a dilapidated, run-down section of North Philadelphia this morning as a familiar face returned to the streets for the first time since 2014.
A sawed off shotgun swinging freely at his side, barely covered by a ratty overcoat, newly re-signed backup Eagles quarterback Nick Foles strode confidently down Kensington Avenue into the Philadelphia Badlands.
Whistling the Eagles fight song to himself as he watched dealers scramble off the streets at his mere presence, Foles entered a ramshackle building and quickly headed to the back of the broken down structure.
Team leader Nelson Agholor can’t wait to mentor Alshon Jeffery, Torrey Smith.
Philadelphia, PA – Nelson Agholor met with the media yesterday after news broke that the Eagles had signed wide receivers Alshon Jeffery and Torrey Smith and said he “couldn’t wait to mentor the new guys” when they arrived in the city.
When asked what he first thought of the signings when the news broke on social media, Agholor said he was excited to see the competition between Jeffery and Smith for the number two wide receiver spot on the team’s depth chart.
“Are you kidding me? Either of those guys would be perfect number twos on this team. One of them is going to have to settle for that third spot though, but it should be a hell of a competition. I can’t wait to open up the field for those guys,” Agholor said.
Locals tell of strange doings happening at this accursed homestead.
Well, some dang blasted fool finally did it. Didn’t listen to my warnings or the warnings of any of the other homesteads on this lovely, upper-middle class neighborhood. Lots of good, clean, hardworking folks around here and they aren’t in the habit of telling tall tales. Nawp, straight as an arrow these ones fly.
But they all told tales of horrendous doings at that ol’ Kelly shack. Awful things. Things that nobody should have to hear about. Rumors of things go around in this town about what that man did to those he cared about…the monitoring of their every move, the horrendous experiments to drain every ounce of productivity for their used up husks, then casting aside their decrepit, atrophied bodies once they were of no more value…makes me shudder to even think of it.
Can I interest you in some sweet tea? A Johnny Cake or two? Nawp? Suit yourself.
What dang burned fool finally brought the house? Don’t rightly reckon…Some city slicker, no doubt, decided they would scratch an itch that only life in the country could soothe. Plenty of other homes around here to play cowboy and farmer on the weekends when you unwind from your high-powered telebusiness position, or what have you.
But nobody listens. They never do. I’ve lived here since ought six and you’ll never catch me step a foot onto that property. Had a Holstein disappear for several days, believe it got lost in the Kelly compound, and that cow was never the same when it returned. It’s milk was rotten. Had to put her down with a ball peen hammer it got so ugly. Can’s imagine the horrors it saw.
What a load.
Sources are reporting that the Philadelphia Eagles will make a hard run at defensive lineman Ted Cruz (R-Texas) when free agency opens on Thursday, March 9.
Citing a need for a “big ol’ body to plug up the middle of the line,” Eagles Executive Vice President of Football Operations Howie Roseman said Cruz could be exactly what the line needs to stuff the run on early downs.
Philadelphia, PA – The newly hired wide receivers coach for the Kansas City Chiefs Greg Lewis shook his head as he looked at yet another text from his new boss, head coach Andy Reid, as he packed up the last of his belongings to move out to Kansas City.
Lewis showed the latest text to a Coggin Toboggan reporter, which simply read, “10 cases of Butterscotch Krimpets + three pallets of Sarcone’s hard rolls.”
Philadelphia, PA – Howie Roseman commented on his controversial decision to trade cornerback Eric Rowe to the New England Patriots prior to the start of the 2016-2017 season this morning during an appearance on the 94 WIP Morning Show with Angelo Cataldi.
Roseman noted he felt as if he should give the fans an explanation of why Rowe, a second year cornerback that has found success with the Super Bowl bound Patriots, was traded for a 2018 4th round draft pick.
Philadelphia, PA – Appearing on 97.5 the Fanatic, former Eagles wide receiver addressed the news of the day that Hall of Fame bound Steve Smith Sr. had officially announced his retirement.
Mitchell, who was actually drafted higher than Smith Sr. in the 2001 draft, took the opportunity to declare that he would have had a better career than the surefire hall of fame wide receiver if Donovan McNabb had not been the quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles.
What, me worry? (photo credit: USA Today)
Wow, when God closes a door he certainly opens a window. After another disheartening season for Chip Kelly, the 49ers head coach deserved to hear some good news about his vaunted system and coaching ability.
Well, good news Chip, over the past two years you lead all NFL coaches in dismissals from their jobs! Congratulations! That’s quite an accomplishment for any head coach and only you, and you alone, can say you’ve reached this pinnacle of success.
Two years and two firings….that’s one more than even Gus Bradley or Jim Caldwell can brag about.
The Coggin Toboggan 