NFL

NFL veteran combine gives a second chance to former athletes

The NFL held its first ever veterans combine over the weekend, which saw over 400 past athletes participate in drills and exercises in front of team scouts, hoping for just one last shot at glory. While only one athlete has been signed to a contract so far, the CT had representatives at the combine who sent back several notes on players who showed up for the weekend.

Here is who stood out.

Michael Sam – The second year player, drafted by the St. Louis Rams last season, never found a home last year on two NFL rosters. While he did not impress at the veteran’s combine, CT reporters said he showed exemplary reflexes in dodging questions thrown at him from every angle about his sexuality.

Felix Jones – 27-year-old former running back for the Dallas Cowboys described the entire process as a humiliating process where team representatives had to view a gaggle of former athletes with diminished skills still searching for a home on an NFL roster. Said it was one of the most embarrassing moments of his life, even worse than the time Jerry Jones walked in on him taking a shit and wouldn’t stop staring for the entire time.

Michael Bush – Reporters questioned the 30-year-old running backs desire to be at the combine, as he ran the 40-yard-dash in a pair of flip flops.

Brady Quinn – The former quarterback from Notre Dame underwhelmed in arm strength tests, as he could only throw a football 25 yards. His request to switch to a Nerf Turbo football was denied.

Aaron Berry – Former Detroit Lions and New York Jets defensive back, Berry wowed scouts with his poise, speed and agility during drills. After briefly speaking with him after the combine, it was quickly determined that Berry had paid Richard Seymour $50,000 to show up for the day and perform under his name.

Carlton Mitchell – Former wide receiver from the Cleveland Browns, Mitchell did not participate in any drills or events during the day. Reportedly spent the entire afternoon at the complimentary buffet for participants and was seen leaving the arena with trashbags filled to the brim with bagels.

Chip Kelly strongly hinting at rentals instead of ownership to Sam Bradford

Don’t get too comfortable, Sam.

Philadelphia, PA – Citing the strength of the Philadelphia apartment rental scene in the city as of late, Chip Kelly has been dropping hints to Sam Bradford since acquiring the 27-year-old quarterback last week that home ownership may not be a wise investment at this point in his career.

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Chip Kelly: We won’t mortgage our future, but we will reverse mortgage it

Real estate tycoon Chip Kelly.

Philadelphia, PA – At his press conference yesterday to address the recent Eagles wheelings and dealings, Chip Kelly stressed to reporters that he would not mortgage the team’s future to obtain Marcus Mariota in the 2015 draft.

He did, however, say a reverse mortgage would not be out of the question.

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Sam Bradford tears both ACLs and dislocates elbow answering his cell phone

Sam Bradford in his natural state.

St. Louis, MO – Hustling to answer his ringing cell phone yesterday, newly acquired quarterback bumped into a footstool and simultaneously tore both ACLs in his knees.

As he tumbled to the floor, the 27 year old quarterback gruesomely dislocated the elbow of his throwing arm, the joint bending in the wrong direction at a 90 degree angle.

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Confused Lesean McCoy “thrilled” to be leaving Philadelphia for warmer climate of Buffalo

Philadelphia PA – Reports coming out of Lesean McCoy’s camp have the young running back feeling a little bit better today about the trade to Buffalo, as Philadelphia is being pounded by yet another stretch of poor weather this winter.

However, when asked for a comment, McCoy reportedly said he was “thrilled to be leaving Philadelphia on a day like today when it means I’ll be playing in the temperate confines of Buffalo.”

McCoy was reportedly eagerly packing hawaiian styled shirts, shorts, and flip flops into a bag as he readied himself for his flight out of Philadelphia.

“It was a little depressed about going to Buffalo, but man, how can you not be happy to leave the city on a horrible day like today? I’ve heard Buffalo is is beautiful this time of year, warm all year round, it will be a great place to live.”

A source close to McCoy said the young running back has been eagerly googling his new hometown, but a check of his recent internet history shows that he had been wrongly searching out “Bermuda” instead of “Buffalo.”

“Gorgeous women, gorgeous beaches, gorgeous climate…how did I get so lucky?” He said, as friends debated whether or not to tell him he was mistaken.

It was ultimately determined to let him “ride out the good feelings” until his inevitable depression when he stepped off the airplane into the real Buffalo New York.

Nate Allen depressingly believes Eagles opening up cap space to re-sign him

Nasty Nate Allen.

Philadelphia PA –Unrestricted free agent Nate Allen appeared overjoyed and even a bit cocky this afternoon, believing the release of cornerback Cary Williams was a preemptive move to clear cap space to re-sign the trod upon safety that has played in 74 games for the Eagles over the past five seasons.

“Sure, I view that as a positive sign,” Allen said to a group of reporters that had just finished interviewing Williams as he exited the team complex. “They have some cap issues and they needed to work it out before contacting me for a new contract. It’s not that hard to understand, guys.”

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94 WIP’s Josh Innes has been frantically writing Nate Allen jokes since 4 a.m.

Philadelphia, PA – Following the news that current free agent and former Eagles starting safety Nate Allen was held by police last night after being accused of masturbating in his vehicle at an intersection, 94 WIP radio personality Josh Innes had locked himself in a station office for the past 8 hours, frantically scribbling down as many Nate Allen masturbation jokes as he possibly can.

His co-host, Tony Bruno, told reporters Innes had only taken one restroom break in the past 8 hours.

“I don’t want to disturb him. Look at him, it’s like watching Mozart working on his Requiem,” Bruno said. “There’s no way a 5-hour show with commercials will be enough time for him to use everything he has prepared.”

The unwashed and frazzled Innes could be seen in the office swaying his arms too and fro, his eyes closed, a bic pen elegantly gliding across a legal pad as the self-pleasuring jokes poured forth from his soul. Several full pads were strewn throughout the office, ready for airtime.

“Nate even rhymes with masturbate. I can only imagine how much mileage he’s gotten out of that already,” Bruno said. “I could only come up with one and it’s not even that great. Basically just a play on the word ‘indecent exposure’ and Nate being an expert on being ‘exposed’ each Sunday afternoon. It’s wordy, I know, which is why I’m leaving this up to a professional.”

Innes took a break for several minutes, his chest heaving, obviously in pain as he laid his burdened head upon a silk throw pillow. The moment of rest was broken when his head shot up from the pillow, yelling “Eureeka!” as he took up his quill once more in preparation for the 1 p.m. show.

Eagles unsure of how Riley Cooper was elected team representative to NAACP

Philadelphia, PA – The Eagles were stunned to learn Thursday evening that Riley Cooper was somehow elected to be the team’s representative to the local NAACP Philadelphia chapter.

Just hours after an NFL licensed calendar was released with Cooper representing the month of February, the local chapter leaders of the NAACP demanded the team’s representative attend the next meeting to discuss the insensitivity of the publication. After rifling through several papers, Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie was shocked to learn Cooper had been given the designation just this past December.

“I have no idea how it happened. I guess we needed someone and he just kind of got thrown in there. God, that is going to be so awkward,” he told a group of reporters.

As the team’s liaison to the civil rights organization, Cooper is expected to attend the next several meetings and discuss the indignity of being the player on the February page of the calendar.

“We probably should have thought better and maybe elected someone else…but we can’t do too much about it now. Fuck me, we are so screwed. I’m already having our media relations employees draft up several iterations of an apology letter I’m sure we’ll have to be releasing to the public soon.”

As of press time, Cooper was seen purchasing large quantities of FUBU clothing to, as the wide receiver put it, “just fit in at the meeting.”

Editor’s note: Was it too much to ask for a mumps outbreak?

Where was the mumps virus when we needed it the most?

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Like the majority of Americans last night, I could not have cared about either team competing in Super Bowl XLIX. Pete Carroll is a 9/11 truther nut job, Bill Belichick is a curmudgeon who looked like he enjoyed the victory for all of 2.3 seconds before setting his sights on next season, and not a single player on either roster I wished to see have any type of success.

But, unlike so many fans I’ve heard complain about the game and those that wished injuries or even death upon the participants in last night’s Super Bowl, I say relax. It’s just a game people, there’s no reason for such negative thoughts!

That being said, I don’t think I’m asking too much when I say I wish a mumps outbreak had spread like wildfire throughout both locker rooms.

Look, Mumps is rarely deadly in adults (1 in 10,000 will die according to WHO), so I think we all could have felt a lot better about the outcome if every single member of each team and coaching staff had contracted the virus at halftime and incubated until the game was over.

Just think about it. We would have had the enjoyment of the game (which was thrilling) but when the virus stopped its incubation period at the final whistle and its symptoms began to appear, it would have been double the fun!

Just imagine, NBC cameras broadcasting a swollen throat Tom Brady desperately trying to take a celebratory sip of champagne, but being in too much pain to do so. Or maybe Richard Sherman face down on Seattle’s bench, too weak to move, as confetti showers down over him, sticking to his sweat soaked fever skin?

Maybe even, if we were lucky, Pete Carroll cursing God as his body is wracked with muscle aches because he had refused a Mumps vaccination, fearing it would give him autism?

At the very least I would have enjoyed seeing Robert Kraft keel over in his suite, surrounded by loved ones also clutching their swollen throats. Not dead, obviously, but at least in some discomfort.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the Super Bowl we all deserved.

Report: Kitten Bowl leads to severe health deficiencies of athletes

Kitten Bowl II participant Rex Meowyan. Following the game he was found with 25 tuna cans in his snuggle hut and has been banned for life.

Kitten Bowl – Following the success of Kitten Bowl II, several ex-feline football league athletes have come forward detailing the difficulties and health deficiencies they have suffered after they’ve hung up their claws and their frolicking days are over.

Tigger, a Russian Blue, said he no longer remembers the names of his kitten when he gets up in the morning. The 4-year-old cat appeared in Kitten Bowl I and believes the excessive frolicking and romping of the game has led him to this state.

“I’m not kitten around, this is a serious issue. Sure, it looks cute on television and my highlight play of chasing the electronic mouse into the end zone was replayed time and time again, but what you didn’t see was my inability to use the litter box on my own after the cameras turned off. I no longer get any joy out of chasing a laser pointer mindlessly around my home or swatting at a piece of string. My life is hell.”

A report submitted to the media shows that the majority of former kittens in the FFL suffer from excessive cuteness, brittle whisker syndrome and CTE (chronic tuna excitation).

Some aren’t as lucky as Tigger, as Kitten Bowl II participant Matt Furte overdosed on catnip immediately following the televised special. Teammates said Furte regularly self-medicated himself with the drug following each game, complaining of excessive furriness and shaking paws.

He was found wrapped in a red ball of yarn with catnip matted into his fur, according to sources.

“We need to address this issue immediately. Luckily after my appearance in the first Kitten Bowl, I was able to transfer to a regular life and dedicate myself to helping my fellow kittens do the same,” said Troy Purrcent, head of the kitten commission. “We need mandatory helmets, more heads up purring, and much less severe pouncing and stalking if we want the game to be safer.”

As of press time, Purrcent had vomited a hairball on his master’s bed.