St. Louis, MO – Hustling to answer his ringing cell phone yesterday, newly acquired quarterback bumped into a footstool and simultaneously tore both ACLs in his knees.
As he tumbled to the floor, the 27 year old quarterback gruesomely dislocated the elbow of his throwing arm, the joint bending in the wrong direction at a 90 degree angle.
Bradford valiantly crawled to his phone and clawed at the desk it was sitting on, bringing the heavy oak piece of furniture crashing down onto his neck, fracturing the C5-C6 vertebrae in his spine. The neck injury triggered a nerve reaction, which caused Bradford to involuntarily bite down devastatingly hard on his tongue, severing it in half.
Luckily, the athlete was able to dial 911 with his free hand and garble his address into the phone for help before both of his lungs filled to the brim with viscous fluid.
“It’s a shame. Sure, we knew there was some injury risk when we acquire Bradford, but we thought he’d last a little longer than this,” Chip Kelly said this morning in front of assembled members of the media. “He just has some bad luck I suppose. And when the ambulance struck him while he was on that stretcher….oh man, I don’t know what to say.”
EMTs scraped Bradford up from the asphalt and hauled him into the ambulance with minimal cuts and bruises.
“I’d just like to thank the Eagles for putting their trust in me and I can’t wait to get on that field when I learn how to walk again,” Bradford communicated to reporters through a series of blinks as they huddled around his hospital bed.
Bradford flatlined 20 seconds later.