Mike Missanelli

97.5 the Fanatic’s Jason Myrtetus can suck eggs
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A real cool dude.

I swear this is the last political post I’ll make in lieu of the 2016 election finally coming to a close. I’m sick of it, I’m sick of people arguing about it, and it’s time to move forward.

But damnit, there’s one thing stemming from this that still bothers me.

Jason Myrtetus, a producer of Mike Missanelli’s afternoon drive show on 97.5 the Fanatic, decided to tell listeners yesterday that he decided not to vote in the 2016 election.

Was he too busy creating a new, fake racist caller to replace Dwayne from Swedesboro? Maybe there was a two for one sale on turtle wax at his local Walmart and he had to stock up to keep his head nice and buffed?

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Congratulations to Angelo Cataldi for completing the 1 millionth flip-flop of his career!

060512-Angelo-Cataldi-400What a day to be alive in Philadelphia. It’s not hot, the Eagles are merely days away from opening their 2016-2017 season, and one of the most decorated broadcasters in the city’s history reached an impressive milestone in his career over the Labor Day Weekend.

Vaunted waffler Angelo Cataldi, co-host of the 94 WIP Morning Show, successfully flip-flopped on yet another opinion after Sam Bradford was traded to the Minnesota Vikings this weekend.

It’s the 1 millionth flip-flop of Cataldi’s career. He joins noted wafflers Howard Eskin, Ike Reese, and Anthony Gargano to reach this pinnacle of broadcasting success in Philadelphia.

The countdown for his career milestone began on April 25, when record keepers noted Cataldi notched his 999,999th flip-flop when he threatened to drive Sam Bradford to the airport himself, and then three days later tweeted the Eagles shouldn’t trade the young quarterback.

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Pat Egan to apologize this afternoon on Mike Missanelli’s show, debut a new character

20091224_fm400Philadelphia, PA – 97.5 FM producer Pat Egan will apologize this afternoon on Mike Missanelli’s show for his role in what many have perceived to be a racist radio bit.

Egan, fresh off a three day suspension, also announced plans to debut a new character today on Mike Missanelli’s program.

Egan, who has come under fire for his portrayal of “Dwayne from Swedesboro,” will apologize for the racial undertones he used for the fake caller, who frequently called into Missanelli’s program using a “black” voice and often discussed his love for white women.

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Philly sports talk radio rocked as “97.5 FM Host Mike Missanelli” revealed as fake
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Scandal! Popular radio host Mike Missanelli revealed as a hoax.

Philadelphia, PA – The jig is up.

In a scandal that may rock the popular sports talk radio station to its core, 97.5 FM producers Jason Myrtetus and Pat Egan have revealed that infamous 97.5 FM mid-day host “Mike Missanelli,” a stereotypical Italian dunderhead who appeals to the lowest common denominator, is in actuality a fake character cooked up by Egan.

Egan said he created the character in the early 2000s when “he” first appeared on then 610 WIP. Thought of as a one-shot character designed to infuriate listeners and garner hatred throughout the city, Egan was surprised when 610 hired him to reprise the character on a daily basis as a host.

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Mike Missanelli hospitalized after watching Chase Utley receive two curtain calls
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Thoughts and prayers to Mike Missanelli.

Philadelphia, PA – Afternoon sports talk host Mike Missanelli is clinging to life at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital today after being admitted for a “massive event,” which doctors are theorizing came as a result from watching Chase Utley receive not one, but two curtain calls in his return to Philadelphia.

Lead cardiac surgeon Ronald JcMickon told Coggin reporters that Missanelli was stable, but it was “touch and go” for many hours after he was transported to the hospital.

Sources confirmed Missanelli was clutching a Sopranos season three box set on his hands when he arrived at Jefferson Hospital and was attempting to pray to it like an old Jesuit woman clutching a Rosary.

“From what we gather, Mr. Missanelli had a major reaction to tonight’s Phillies game. He seemed to take great disdain in Philadelphia fans experiencing a moment of joy for a returning Chase Utley and deemed it inappropriate that he received several curtain calls throughout the game. He’s currently in a coma and we’re not sure if he’ll ever walk again,” JcMickon said.

“He seemed to really be in pain after watching so many others experience such a joyful moment. I don’t get it, personally. How could you not enjoy that moment? Utley gave this city so many great moments of the years….it’s only right and appropriate to praise him on his return. I guess Mr. Missanelli just didn’t see it that way.”

A hospital employee provided the Coggin with a copy of the security tape from last night at 11:35 p.m. The following is a transcript of his interaction with the admitting doctor. Warning….it is disturbing:

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Bernie Sanders: Thank you for keeping Mike Missanelli away from me during the DNC
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Sanders bringing down the house at the DNC.

Philadelphia, PA – An energized Bernie Sanders appeared at the Democratic National Convention this afternoon and congratulated the city on hosting a world class event, while also having the foresight to ban blowhard and Philadelphia embarrassment Mike Missanelli from city limits for the duration.

Sanders noted that if he even caught whiff that Missanelli was trying to re-enter the city during the DNC, he would hunt him down and run him over with his campaign bus.

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Mike Missanelli bound, gagged, dumped at city limits prior to the start of the DNC

20091224_fm400Philadelphia, PA – Fanatic midday host Mike Missanelli was reported as missing this morning by 97.5 FM management, after two well-dressed hired goons threw a sack over his head while he was walking into the radio station and tossed him into the back of a nondescript utility van.

After a nearly 35 minute drive, in which the host was tossed around the back of the van as it took several sharp turns at high speed, he was unceremoniously dumped out of the back of the van by the city workers.

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Philadelphia City Council proposes Mike Missanelli tax
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The solution to Philadelphia’s budgetary problems?

Philadelphia, PA – The Philadelphia City Council and Mayor Jim Kenney announced a new tax proposal Tuesday night to help fill gaps in the 2017-2018 city budget.

After substantial blow back to a proposed sugary-drink tax, the council and Kenney proposed a Mike Missanelli douche-bag tax to fund city schools and promote healthy living as part of the mayor’s budget package.

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Special Guest Column: The Philadelphia Phanatic!

I’ll admit it, I’ve hit a wall. HIT IT. After more than 15 straight months of being the only writer on this stupid website, I’m running on empty.

So I’ll be taking a few days off for vacation (aka heroin rehab).

Luckily, several Philadelphia media personalities (and maybe even a few special guests!) we’ve written about in the past have agreed to step in, pick up the slack and write us some guest columns. It’s really nice of them to donate their time to us after we’ve mocked them in the past.

(They really haven’t, but if you can’t pick up on that you’re a moron)

We’ve given them carte blanche to write about anything they want, so please enjoy.

Up next, the greatest mascot in all of sports and a Coggin Toboggan favorite (can’t believe we got him!) the Philadelphia Phanatic!

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Huge fan of our next special guest columnist.

::The Phanatic stomps out to raucous applause before feigning surprise at the attention. Holding up his furry fingers, he reveals a baseball helmet with Mike Missanelli’s picture on it and smashes it to pieces with a gigantic sledgehammer.

He then moves on to a delightful bald man and stands above him and shines his scalp for several minutes, really buffing out that dome with his jersey.

Clomping up to the broadcast booth with a huge tub of popcorn, he “accidentally” spills the entire contents on a visiting Chris Wheeler, who plays along like he enjoys the Phanatic’s antics but is secretly seething on the inside.

The Phanatic ends his column by sticking out his tongue at a visiting Mets fan and clomps his way into the back room.

 

Jowly man with thinning hair plugs also does not care for SI Swimsuit plus-size model

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Philadelphia, PA – Continuing a long established tradition of ugly as sin radio hosts having problems with attractive plus-size models being on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, jowly senior-citizen Mike Missanelli today decried the fact that Ashley Graham DARED to appear on the hallowed ground that is the SI Swimsuit cover.

The sunken eyed goon went on the rant against Graham during his 97.5 Fanatic afternoon show just hours after the ghoulish, gargoyle like Angelo Cataldi said virtually the same thing during his morning show on 94 WIP.

Citing that he could see “curvy women at work,” Missanelli worked himself into a froth as his mighty jowls audibly slapped against his double chin during the segment. The wrinkled mass of cellulite and gabagool said it was disrespectful to the history of the SI swimsuit issue, while his turkey neck swung hypnotically for all to see.

Onlookers noted clumps of Missanelli’s cheap hair plugs began to fall out all over his desk and microphone during the rant.

At press time, Missanelli said SI should adhere to higher standards and respect themselves more in the future, while simultaneously sending a homophobic email to a critic and another series of sexist tweets to Michelle Beadle.