Eagles

‘This is what you take seriously?’ wives say in unision throughout Delaware Valley

102713-eagles-fans-6001Philadelphia, PA – Thousands of wives throughout the Delaware Valley shook their heads in disbelief around 5 p.m. Sunday night as their husbands were still depressed an hour after the Eagles lost a heartbreaking game to the Miami Dolphins.

“Oh come on, it’s not that big of a deal. It’s just a game, are you really depressed about this?” the wives said, chuckling to themselves as they got up from the couches to leave their infuriated husbands alone to continue watching television. “You don’t see me getting upset about this stuff.”

Husbands everywhere struggled to contain their emotions, showing more anger and depression than they had in months over anything else.

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Jerry Jones: Those bruises could have been caused by anything. Greg Hardy is a good guy, YEE HAA!

Maybe he's not so bad, after all?Dallas, Texas – Jerry Jones, owner and GM of the Dallas Cowboys, doubled down on his support of controversial defensive end Greg Hardy this morning, just several days after Deadspin procured and released disturbing pictures of a bruised and battered Nicole Holden, a girlfriend Hardy allegedly abused during their relationship.

Jones made his comments at a press conference a day after his Cowboys dropped to 2-6, losing to the Eagles 33-27 in overtime.

“Those pictures were horrible, she looked more frightened than a steer on branding day, but we really don’t know what caused those bruises. It could have been anything…an accident, a fall, a jealous, psychotic boyfriend, who knows?” Jones said, adjusting his bolo tie during the conference. “We don’t like to throw our players under the covered wagon, so to speak. She could have fallen down the stairs for all we know.”

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Just sit back and enjoy each 76ers loss, the most entertaining team in the city

76ers logoI’ve watched 16 minutes of the first period of the Flyers game against the Edmonton Oilers, who are 4-8, and have outshot the Flyers by 16-2 so far.

The Eagles are so bad this season the fan base practically begged the Eagles to seriously consider parting ways with draft picks to trade for Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick was benched this week in favor of backup QB Blaine Gabbert, the very same Blaine Gabbert who has thrown more interceptions in his professional career than touchdowns.

They want him to replace Sam Bradford. Bradford has the longest sleeves in the NFL. That’s the only positive you can mention about him this season.

It’s going to be a shitty winter. Perhaps Phil Connors said it best, “I’ll give you a winter prediction: It’s gonna be cold, it’s gonna be grey, and it’s gonna last you for the rest of your life.”

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Chip Kelly’s new house egged mercilessly for his choice of Halloween treats

chipHaddonfield, NJ – Less than two weeks after closing on his new home in Haddonfield, Chip Kelly is already facing sharp criticism in his Camden County Community after a number of children decided to egg his home on Halloween evening.

Word on the street in Haddonfield is that children were less than thrilled with what Kelly handed out in lieu of candy for Halloween.

“He’s what, a millionaire and he decides to hand out pennies and spinach smoothies? Come on, the only reason I went to his house was because I thought he’d at least have king size candy bars or something,” said Timothy Greene, 12, of Haddonfield, who was not surprised at the outcome. “My dad says he’s stealing millions of dollars from the team, so couldn’t he have at least used that for some candy? He got what he deserved.”

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Chip Kelly monitoring Eagles during bye week with state-of-the-art ball and chain technology

092313-kelly-chip-eagles-600Philadelphia, PA – Ever the innovator, Chip Kelly is adding a new piece to his ever growing bag of tricks to improve his athletes’ performance on and off the field.

In addition to personally designed health smoothies, bedtime curfews, and internal health monitors, Kelly announced each member of the roster would be receiving a 45-pound ball and chain for the bye week.

“Wearing this new piece of technology is mandatory for each member of the roster. We give our players leeway to be grown men and we trust them to make smart decisions, but this will ensure they behave during the off week,” Kelly said.

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Ryan Mathews in doghouse after 63-yard touchdown run

Eagles' Ryan Matthews celebrates scoring his first-quarter touchdown against the Baltimore Ravens in a preseson game on Saturday, August 22, 2015 in Philadelphia. ( DAVID MAIALETTI / Staff Photographer )

Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly benched Ryan Mathews last night during the Eagles 16-27 loss against the Carolina Panthers in favor of DeMarco Murray, who seemed a step slow all night and hesitant to hit holes opened by the Eagles meager offensive line.

The normally reserved Kelly did not shy away from media questions during his post-game press conference last night in Carolina.

“It was unacceptable. He blatantly defied orders to look confused and hesitant when he received a handoff, he didn’t fall down at the slightest bit of contact, and he didn’t meekly tip toe out of bounds five yards behind the line of scrimmage when faced with a linebacker,” Kelly said.

“It’s why he didn’t see the field for more than a few plays after that. It’s all about the system we run in Philadelphia, and he didn’t fit that tonight,” Kelly said.

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Philadelphia earmarks millions of dollars for time travel on Back to the Future Day
BTF

Woah, that’s heavy.

Philadelphia, PA – Mayor Michael Nutter and the Philadelphia City Council unanimously passed a measure this morning during an emergency council meeting to earmark $1.21 million of the city’s budget to the development of a time travel machine.

The city government passed the measure on Back to the Future Day, the day Doc Brown and Marty McFly traveled to in “Back to the Future Part II” when they used their time traveling DeLorean to go into the future.

“It’s no coincidence we did this on Back to the Future Day. If you recall, Doc Brown and Marty McFly used their time machine throughout the series of movies to right the wrongs of the past and improve their current time period. We hope to do the same in Philadelphia, namely by traveling back to Thursday, June 26, 2014 and stopping Sam Hinkie from ever drafting that complete stiff Joel Embiid. It’s just one of the events we plan on changing when we finally develop a super-cool time traveling machine,” Mayor Michael Nutter declared during a mid-afternoon press conference.

The city hopes to develop a sleek time travel machine made out of a “super awesome Corvette” or “bitching dune buggy,” Nutter revealed Wednesday.

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Sam Bradford super stoked for new Battlefield Earth trailer

Sam BPhiladelphia, PA – Leading 17-7 at halftime, Eagles Quarterback Sam Bradford led his team into the tunnel and sprinted into the locker room and straight to the nearest television set.

When asked what he was so excited for, Bradford said he couldn’t “wait for the new Battlefield Earth trailer.”

“It’s debuting tonight during the game, didn’t you guys hear? Boy am I excited! Travolta! Pepper! Scientology! Golly, that movies got it all doesn’t it! A great message and some great acting, I can’t wait!” he excitedly said, before clicking the tv on.

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Joel Embiid kicked field goals today at Eagles walk through

JoelPhiladelphia, PA – Joel Embiid made a surprise visit to Lincoln Financial Field to visit with several members of the Philadelphia Eagles this morning for their walkthrough before their game against the New York Giants tonight.

He surprised even more onlookers as the injured center was spotted kicking several field goals during the walk through as well.

Embiid wasn’t going half speed as well, several representatives reported to the Coggin, as he had worked up “quite a sweat out there,” attempting multiple 30, 40, and 50-yard field goal attempts on the slippery surface.

The young 76ers center recently had a second surgery on his right foot, the second in two years, to take care of a stress fracture that has not let him play yet for Philadelphia. Embiid’s dedication to his rehabilitation program was called into question last week after a Sports Illustrated article revealed he shunned the healthy food provided to him by 76ers representatives and nearly came to blows with the team conditioning coach.

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Tony Siragusa still wandering around end zone of Lincoln Financial Field

Minnesota Vikings v Chicago BearsPhiladelphia, PA – A dirty and disheveled Tony Siragusa is still wandering around the end zone of Lincoln Financial Field four days after the conclusion of Sunday’s Eagles vs. Saints game.

The former defensive tackle. now announcer, has been shambling around both end zones of the Linc for the better part of this week, speaking in hushed tones to himself and shying away the from worried security guards who have tried to wrangle him several times.

The announcer has been periodically speaking into an impromptu microphone made out of a discarded soda cup and gesticulating wildly to invisible television cameras.

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