Chip Kelly

Eagles Marcus Smith gaining confidence he can successfully qualify for unemployment benefits
The soon to be unemployed Marcus Smith.

The soon to be unemployed Marcus Smith.

Philadelphia, PA – Marcus Smith’s spirits were high at the end of Eagles minicamp yesterday, as the second year linebacker was reportedly confident he could successfully qualify for unemployment benefits by the start of the regular season.

The linebacker was reportedly thrilled when Chip Kelly dropped off the free Pennsylvania unemployment benefit packets to his locker late Thursday afternoon.

“This is just fabulous. My confidence is the highest it has ever been since joining the Eagles,” Smith said, as he diligently plowed through the information.

Per Pennsylvania law, Smith could qualify for bi-weekly payments as high as $547.

“Righteous bucks,” Smith said.

Kelly said he was pleased at Smith’s progress and noted the ceiling was quite high for the second year linebacker who would no doubt be cut before training camp begins.

“He’s a great kid. We think he could really make something of himself if he just hangs in there and hauls himself up by his bootstraps. I could definitely see him in some sort of trade school this year if he gets his mind right and doesn’t get overwhelmed.”

As of press time, Smith was seen using the team’s computer and had successfully uploaded an application to Devry University.

He received a rejection letter less than 15 minutes later.

Evan Mathis digs out Eagles tracking device from the base of his skull

032614_evan-mathis_600Philadelphia, PA – Mere hours after being released, Pro-Bowl guard Evan Mathis wasted no time in moving on from the organization, using a razor sharp bowie knife to dig out the mandatory Eagles tracking implant from the base of his rear skull.

“Oh god…so much blood,” Mathis reportedly muttered to himself, before he crushed the device under the heel of his boot.

The devices are implanted in every Eagles athlete and monitors there whereabouts, health, sexual activity, diet, private conversations and inner most thoughts.

All members of the organization are required to wear the monitoring devices as per the mandate of Chip Kelly, who pours over the data until the wee hours in the morning. Several representatives within the organization are reporting Kelly is slowly going mad from the influx of data.

“It’s just too much for him. He yelled at me last season for watching five minutes of Sportscenter after the mandated lights out period. How the hell did he know I was staying up past curfew? At least I don’t have to hear him yelling at me again because I didn’t finish my protein slurry shake,” Mathis said. “Too much power in just one man’s hands can lead anyone into insanity, I suppose.”

Mathis then sharpened his knife and prepared to dig out the digital playbook device that had been surgically installed in his brain stem.

Chip Kelly: Bradford right on track for week 3 injured reserve appearance

Sam BPhiladelphia, PA – Pleased at Sam Bradford’s progress in OTAs so far, Chip Kelly told media at the conclusion of practice today that Sam Bradford is “right on track to be placed on injured reserve by week three.”

“Sam is hobbling around out there like he’s really got something to prove. I’m not one for making predictions, but he may even be on the IR by week two if he keeps on progressing,” he said.

Bradford participated in several drills yesterday afternoon, throwing to receivers in 7 on 7 sets, grimacing and clutching his shoulder after every throw longer than five yards.

(more…)

Editor’s Note: Call me Mr. Positivity
Yay sports!

Yay sports!

A reader of the site told me today he’s noticed the Coggin Toboggan is nothing more than a hotbed of negativity, snark and depressing article after depressing article making fun of the Philadelphia sports scene.

Personally, I just don’t see it. Does he have a point? I don’t think so, but in order to be fair and to serve all of our readership, I figured I would dedicate an entire article to all the positive aspects of Philadelphia sports we as fans should not take for granted.

Sure, all of our teams right now are middling at best and this summer will be a wasteland of hard to watch baseball, manned by one of the most incompetent GMs in all of sports, but there ARE things we can enjoy in our sports scene. Why don’t we take a look, shall we?

(more…)

Matt Barkley vows to defeat Tim Tebow in saddest quarterback competition of all time
This is the face of a determined third string quarterback.

This is the face of a determined third string quarterback.

Philadelphia, PA – Said in front of one half-paying attention member of the media and an intern with the Drexel Triangle, Matt Barkley vowed he would beat out Tim Tebow for the third string quarterback position on the roster in the most depressing offseason story of the year so far.

Fans throughout the Delaware Valley agreed this is “much, much worse” than Lesean McCoy’s accusations of Chip Kelly being a racist.

In a recent straw poll conducted by Philly.com, 80% of respondents claimed they would rather read old game summaries from the 2004 season over Barkley vs. Tebow, 15% claimed they would rather watch Howard Eskin pick out a new fur coat and 5% claimed they would rather drink a glass of Marcus Hayes’ neck sweat than pay attention to this nonsense.

Defiant in the face of adversity, Barkley said he definitely had far fewer passes chucked at the feet of wide open receivers than Tebow. He also pointed to the fact that head coach Chip Kelly had asked him to get him a cup of coffee over Tebow near the tail end of the morning session.

“Did you see when I threw one of the practice footballs to Mark (Sanchez) from the sideline? That had to be at least 15 yards out and I threw it way, way over his head. It didn’t come close to him. Shows off my arm strength,” Barkley told Jennifer McThompson, sophomore journalism major at Drexel University and sports contributor to the school’s paper The Triangle.

McThompson promised she would try to get her profile of Barkley on the front page of the paper if her interview with “Philly Jesus” fell through.

Chip Kelly asks Riley Cooper to please stop defending him
Take off the next few plays and just stop talking, Riley.

Take off the next few plays and just stop talking, Riley.

Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly decried any and all defenses of him by Riley Cooper in the past and near future, after the casually racist wide receiver spoke highly of him in an interview with the Delco Times.

“It’s definitely difficult and upsetting for sure,” Cooper said to Bob Grotz. “I know (Kelly is) not like that.”

Kelly visibly shuddered upon hearing the quote. Kelly has been defending himself against claims of racism by former Eagles running back Lesean McCoy.

“Riley is just trying to help, I know, but please, for the love of god, do not say nice things about me in public anymore. My goodness you are not helping at all,” Kelly said.

“Good god, Riley, just shut your mouth, please.”

Kelly doubled down on his comments and said Cooper was the last person in the world who should be coming to his defense.

“It’s like the KKK coming to the defense of Mark Fuhrman. It’s just not going to help anything,” Kelly said. “You’re not helping anyone, Riley.”

As of press time, Kelly was seen frantically running towards the Eagles media tent as several national media cameras were huddling around Cooper.

Sam Bradford wows during iron lung drills at Philadelphia Eagles OTAs
Sam B

Sam Bradford, in happier and healthier times.

Philadelphia, PA – Eagles teammates were buzzing at the completion of OTAs yesterday, everyone wanting to talk about the new Eagles quarterback Sam Bradford and his performance at the NovaCare Complex this week.

Described as being in “mid-season” form, Bradford reportedly spent most of the week encased in an iron lung, struggling to breathe as team physicians and a team priest huddled around him, monitoring the frail 27-year-old athlete.

(more…)

Riley Cooper heartbroken he went unmentioned in Lesean McCoy interview

Ov_p1P6d_400x400Philadelphia, PA – A dejected Riley Cooper was almost inconsolable today at the NovaCare Complex, several sources are reporting.

When confronted on his down mood, Cooper said he was upset Lesean McCoy did not mention him alongside Chip Kelly during his recent interview with ESPN the Magazine.

“What’s a guy have to do to get a mention? Go to another Kenny Chesney concert?” he said, as he re-read the interview again before beginning his workout. “It’s just insulting. You work hard, you know, to gain a reputation on a team and then someone just goes and doesn’t even acknowledge all that you do.”

McCoy of course ranted to an ESPN the Magazine reporter about his perceived notion that head coach Chip Kelly had an affinity to run the best black athletes out of the city. While he didn’t outright say Kelly was a racist, many reading the interview did not have to go too far to make the assumption.

Cooper, a teammate of McCoy’s for the past five seasons, just shook his head as he walked into the weight room.

“I guess all you can do is just continue to work hard and really carve a niche out for yourself. I won’t let this happen again,” he said.

“You’d better believe the next time someone on this team has something to say about race on a national stage, Riley Cooper’s name will be the first out of his mouth.”

As of press time, Cooper was showing his most popular YouTube video to several recently drafted rookies.

Lesean McCoy: Chip Kelly made black players pick weeds out of field before practice

mccoyBuffalo, NY – Chip Kelly, former Eagles running back, continued his media tour and leveled several harsh criticisms at Chip Kelly in a recent interview with ESPN the Magazine.

Several of McCoy’s comments could be construed calling his former head coach a racist.

“Prior to every practice, Chip would make all of the black players pick weeds out of the field before practice. He ordered us to sing old-school spirituals as well. He did it every single practice and the white players would just sit there and watch us. He was awful. I remember he gave Nick Foles a whip and told him to use it liberally if we didn’t get everything finished 10 minutes prior to practice,” Kelly told the bewildered ESPN reporter.

While all evidence points to the contrary and no video exists of such an order, McCoy doubled down and said Kelly would keep him in chains in the NovaCare Complex, only to release him on game days and for team practices.

When called out on his claims for being in no way truthful by several of his current Buffalo Bills teammates who overheard the interview and were horrified by his statements, McCoy said he may have misremembered things.

“Look, it was a long time ago, I might be mistaken. Ok, MAYBE he didn’t make us pick weeds before practice or keep me in chains, but he was a dick. Plain and simple. And being a dick is just as bad as being a racist, I think we can all agree on that,” he said.

Nobody agreed with him.

As of press time, Eagles fans were arguing if McCoy’s statements today were worse than when he claimed Andy Reid forcibly drafted him from the University of Pittsburgh and shipped him to Philadelphia in an old wooden boat.

Tennessee pick of Marcus Marioto leaves Marcus Mariota wide open for Eagles
Marcus Marioto, newest member of the Tennessee Titans.

Marcus Marioto, newest member of the Tennessee Titans.

Chicago, Illinois – In a shocking move Thursday night, the Tennessee Titans drafted 42-year-old arc welder Marcus Marioto out of Sheboygan number two overall, which went unnoticed by 17 teams until the Eagles selected Marcus Mariota at 20.

“Couldn’t believe it. How did nobody else not notice this,” Chip Kelly said, grinning from the Eagles war room.

It’s unknown if the Titans selected Marioto on purpose, or accidentally wrote the wrong name of the player they wished to select on the draft card submitted to the NFL. Apparently every team drafting after the Titans did not know Marcus Marioto was a real person and is now legally bound to play for the Titans next year.

“We see a lot in Mr. Marioto. If we can get him into any kind of shape, we think he’ll be a valuable addition to our team. Plus, he can definitely help cut down on maintenance in the stadium,” an obviously flustered Titans GM Ruston Webster. “Of course we wanted to draft him. We wouldn’t do something so insanely stupid as to write down the wrong name of the player. To think, a franchise’s future altered by the simple misspelling of a name. That’s rich.”

Webster stared sheepishly at the ground, not making eye contact once with Mel Kiper Jr. The two had to move the interview to a secluded area, as Titans fans in attendance pelted Webster with heads of cabbage and rotten tomatoes.

Marcus Marioto was reached for comment at his modest rancher in Sheboygan.

“It was a shock, sure, I had no idea how I was even eligible for the draft, but here we are,” the father of two and recent divorcee said. “Not sure how well my bad knee will hold up under the rigors of an NFL schedule, but I’ll give it my best.”

As of press time, Chip Kelly and Marcus Mariota were shotgunning celebratory beers in a parking lot in Hawaii.