John Bolaris regains partnership with NBC 10 after angrily ranting on Twitter

Just chilling in a corner, going to do some weather, no big deal.

Philadelphia, PA – Just several days after losing a business deal with NBC 10, oft-controversial weatherman and founder of Weathersavior.com regained his partnership after angrily ranting on Twitter for over 48 hours.

“When he Tweeted and said he increased our hits by over three times, we had to reconsider. How could we not?” A contact at NBC 10 said this morning.

Bolaris gave weather updates and forecasts for NBC 10 until he was let go this past Saturday.

“Of course we knew we had made a mistake when he said, ‘The nation is full of hypocrites,Rapist, murderers,Woman abusers,Dog killers,pedophiles,Tax cheats ALL get hired & are working TODAY.’ We thought to ourselves, you know what, he has a point here,” the anonymous contact said.

“And then when he mentioned the ESPN reporter who was only suspended for ranting at a tow truck worker was not fired because she was hot, well, we knew he was absolutely correct.”

Bolaris was rehired this morning and given a lengthy apology from station management and it was all due to his well thought out, well balanced rant on Twitter.

As of press time, Bolaris was apparently preparing a lengthy tirade against the station and the other media big wigs who have fired him over the years for his first on-air appearance after being rehired.

Go let John know we love him on Twitter, please! @johnbolaris

Editor’s Note: Always a spot at the table for you at the Coggin Toboggan, Bill Simmons

Our conference room table at the delightful Coggin Toboggan HQ.

The conference room table at the delightful Coggin Toboggan HQ.

Bill Simmons is leaving ESPN and The Coggin Toboggan is throwing itself into the fray to court the media giant. Simmons must get like 200 to 300 views a day on the articles he writers for ESPN and Grantland, so it would be an absolute coup to snatch him up and have him exclusively write for The Coggin Toboggan.

As the current Editor in Chief, I can assure you, Bill, I will be as hands off as any boss you’ve ever worked with. Frankly, you’ll go weeks without seeing me in the office, as I’ll be too busy slipping in and out of drunken stupors and defending myself against the countless cases of sexual harassment leveled against me from female and male employees alike.

We like the cut of your jib, I’ll be honest. You’ll have the freedom here to write about whatever you like, as long as you pass our rigorous editing/ethics test and work your way up from an internship first.

Sure we may not be able to pay you as much as ESPN, but I do assure you we can make this deal beneficial for all parties involved.

As founder, I can assure you the following if you sign a 10-year contract with us today. This deal will be taken off the (above) table if you do not sign with us by the stroke of midnight:

– A salary UPWARDS of $35,000 a year, depending on bonuses and ads sold.

– Your very own chair. Currently, CT employees rotate the three office chairs among the thousands of employees in the building every 10 minutes. I can assure you that you will have your very own beach and/or picnic chair.

– An office located as far away as possible from the one hallway here that is deeply infested with bats.

– An Apple Newton for your professional use.

– A coupon book from me filled to the brim with valuable offers. IE: One free backrub, one free shoulder massage, one full body massage with/without a happy ending.

– A personal key to the executive outhouse.

– No charge if you decide to take a deep inhale from the company ether rag.

Bill, I think you’ll find this offer more than fair and I can GUARANTEE no other website will come close to what we will give you.

Welcome to the winning team.

Riley Cooper heartbroken he went unmentioned in Lesean McCoy interview

Philadelphia, PA – A dejected Riley Cooper was almost inconsolable today at the NovaCare Complex, several sources are reporting.

When confronted on his down mood, Cooper said he was upset Lesean McCoy did not mention him alongside Chip Kelly during his recent interview with ESPN the Magazine.

“What’s a guy have to do to get a mention? Go to another Kenny Chesney concert?” he said, as he re-read the interview again before beginning his workout. “It’s just insulting. You work hard, you know, to gain a reputation on a team and then someone just goes and doesn’t even acknowledge all that you do.”

McCoy of course ranted to an ESPN the Magazine reporter about his perceived notion that head coach Chip Kelly had an affinity to run the best black athletes out of the city. While he didn’t outright say Kelly was a racist, many reading the interview did not have to go too far to make the assumption.

Cooper, a teammate of McCoy’s for the past five seasons, just shook his head as he walked into the weight room.

“I guess all you can do is just continue to work hard and really carve a niche out for yourself. I won’t let this happen again,” he said.

“You’d better believe the next time someone on this team has something to say about race on a national stage, Riley Cooper’s name will be the first out of his mouth.”

As of press time, Cooper was showing his most popular YouTube video to several recently drafted rookies.

Lesean McCoy: Chip Kelly made black players pick weeds out of field before practice

Buffalo, NY – Chip Kelly, former Eagles running back, continued his media tour and leveled several harsh criticisms at Chip Kelly in a recent interview with ESPN the Magazine.

Several of McCoy’s comments could be construed calling his former head coach a racist.

“Prior to every practice, Chip would make all of the black players pick weeds out of the field before practice. He ordered us to sing old-school spirituals as well. He did it every single practice and the white players would just sit there and watch us. He was awful. I remember he gave Nick Foles a whip and told him to use it liberally if we didn’t get everything finished 10 minutes prior to practice,” Kelly told the bewildered ESPN reporter.

While all evidence points to the contrary and no video exists of such an order, McCoy doubled down and said Kelly would keep him in chains in the NovaCare Complex, only to release him on game days and for team practices.

When called out on his claims for being in no way truthful by several of his current Buffalo Bills teammates who overheard the interview and were horrified by his statements, McCoy said he may have misremembered things.

“Look, it was a long time ago, I might be mistaken. Ok, MAYBE he didn’t make us pick weeds before practice or keep me in chains, but he was a dick. Plain and simple. And being a dick is just as bad as being a racist, I think we can all agree on that,” he said.

Nobody agreed with him.

As of press time, Eagles fans were arguing if McCoy’s statements today were worse than when he claimed Andy Reid forcibly drafted him from the University of Pittsburgh and shipped him to Philadelphia in an old wooden boat.

Sam Hinkie escorted out of the Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams roast

Philadelphia, PA – A few weeks ago, 94 WIP held a roast for Philadelphia Phillies legends Lenny Dykstra and Mitch Williams at the Electric Factory, where the two alums were heckled for nearly an hour and a half by local comedians and some of their sports peers.

However, just a few clips on YouTube have emerged of the event, leading many to wonder why more highlights have yet to come out? Whispers and mumbles from the crowd at the roast have been slowly leaking out from the event, but very few concrete details have been confirmed.

What happened at this thing?

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Editor’s Note: Coggin Toboggan Cinco de Mayo office party an unmitigated disaster

(Please listen to the above while reading this article. It will put you in the correct mindset and help you understand exactly what went on in the offices today)

Cinco de Mayo office parties at the Coggin Toboggan are banned forever. It’s not even 1 p.m. and the local police department has already been to the office three times…the last time they brought a wagon and packed in about 15 writers and four editors, vowing to prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law.

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Editor’s Note: Bring your crab to work day a smashing success

Here at The Coggin Toboggan, we try to foster a sense of community and family among our writers, reports, editors and photographers who sometimes spend long, long hours producing the award winning and respected material that you read here on a daily basis.

We’ve been putting in a lot of hours recently, especially with the recent Les Bowen Eagles showering scandal that rocked this city to it’s core two weeks ago, so as editor in chief I decided it was high time to let our hair down and have some fun in the office.

So, to brighten morale, I decided to institute The Coggin Toboggan’s very first “Bring your Crab to work” program earlier this week. Employees were encouraged to bring their crabs to our office to show them the ropes and let them see what mommy and daddy do on a daily basis.

We’ve compiled some of the best pictures from the event and we hope you enjoy them as much as we enjoyed having them scuttling around the office.

Jameis Winston was not invited to the event, for obvious reasons! HAHAHAHA, oh god we have fun here.

Jimmy the crab.

Ahh Jimmy, you side-stepped your way into everyone’s heart at the CT. This feisty young fella was brought by Jane in accounting, who would NOT stop talking about their recent trip to Fire Island. He was the toast of the town that weekend, she assured us as much.

Sarah the crab.

Aww who’s a good girl!? It’s Sarah, that’s who! This adorable little girl enjoyed having her tummy rubbed by just about everyone in the editing department.

Herbert the crab.

Gah!! Herbert you rascal. This diva loved the close-up pictures we took of him frolicking through the mens room and swimming through the salad dressing at the salad bar in the employee cafeteria.

Susie the crab.

Not Suze or Susan, but Susie! This energetic girl had a great day popping in and out of cubicles and searching for mites in the parking lot.

Brutus the crab.

What a good boy! Brutus had himself a bit of an incident as he crawled up on the back of Larry from accounting, who had fallen asleep at his desk. When Larry woke up and found this guy snuggling against his bald head, he would NOT stop screaming. What a day!

Well that was it. It was a success all around, we think, and something we’ll definitely be doing again next year.

Stay tuned next month, as The Coggin Toboggan will be hosting its first”Bring your Diarrhea-laden Dog to work day!” It should be explosive!

Mayweather makes next bout official, plans to fight girlfriend

Las Vegas, Nevada – Two days after a signature win against touted rival Manny Pacquiao, Floyd Mayweather is already planning for his next bout, which he has declared will be against current girlfriend Doralie Medina.

Mayweather said the fight will be set for next weekend and will be scheduled to last at least 5 minutes.

“We’ve sparred before, but we’re going to make it official next Saturday,” Mayweather told media members at an impromptu press conference.

Mayweather said the fight will take place after Doralie slightly criticizes his choice of restaurant for the evening and will more than likely be held in his first floor living room. It may or may not be held in front of one or several of Mayweather’s stunned and crying children.

“She can move really well, great side to side vision, but I feel like I can use my quickness to really tag her and put her down for good. I think I’ll be able to take her cellphone too and delete any evidence that I laid my hands on her as well, should be a great fight,” Mayweather said.

Mayweather said he hopes this fight lasts longer than his previous bout with ex-wife, Josie Harris, whom he described as having a bit of a glass jaw.

As of press time, Mayweather’s camp had already denied Michelle Beadle and Rachel Nichols any access to the battered woman shelter his girlfriend would most likely check herself into after she realizes what a piece of human garbage she was dating.

Tennessee pick of Marcus Marioto leaves Marcus Mariota wide open for Eagles

Marcus Marioto, newest member of the Tennessee Titans.

Chicago, Illinois – In a shocking move Thursday night, the Tennessee Titans drafted 42-year-old arc welder Marcus Marioto out of Sheboygan number two overall, which went unnoticed by 17 teams until the Eagles selected Marcus Mariota at 20.

“Couldn’t believe it. How did nobody else not notice this,” Chip Kelly said, grinning from the Eagles war room.

It’s unknown if the Titans selected Marioto on purpose, or accidentally wrote the wrong name of the player they wished to select on the draft card submitted to the NFL. Apparently every team drafting after the Titans did not know Marcus Marioto was a real person and is now legally bound to play for the Titans next year.

“We see a lot in Mr. Marioto. If we can get him into any kind of shape, we think he’ll be a valuable addition to our team. Plus, he can definitely help cut down on maintenance in the stadium,” an obviously flustered Titans GM Ruston Webster. “Of course we wanted to draft him. We wouldn’t do something so insanely stupid as to write down the wrong name of the player. To think, a franchise’s future altered by the simple misspelling of a name. That’s rich.”

Webster stared sheepishly at the ground, not making eye contact once with Mel Kiper Jr. The two had to move the interview to a secluded area, as Titans fans in attendance pelted Webster with heads of cabbage and rotten tomatoes.

Marcus Marioto was reached for comment at his modest rancher in Sheboygan.

“It was a shock, sure, I had no idea how I was even eligible for the draft, but here we are,” the father of two and recent divorcee said. “Not sure how well my bad knee will hold up under the rigors of an NFL schedule, but I’ll give it my best.”

As of press time, Chip Kelly and Marcus Mariota were shotgunning celebratory beers in a parking lot in Hawaii.

Editor’s Note: Expect everything and anything for tonight

Philadelphia, PA – It’s an exciting night for Philadelphia, as weeks of tension and debate have led to this moment and this event that will undoubtedly leave thousands of rabid Philadelphia fans on the edge of their seats, clutching their remotes and hanging on every word.

There are a number of different scenarios that could happen tonight, so why don’t we take a moment to just run over some things that have happened in the past weeks and see where we could all end up?

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