Editor’s Note: Call me Mr. Positivity
Yay sports!

Yay sports!

A reader of the site told me today he’s noticed the Coggin Toboggan is nothing more than a hotbed of negativity, snark and depressing article after depressing article making fun of the Philadelphia sports scene.

Personally, I just don’t see it. Does he have a point? I don’t think so, but in order to be fair and to serve all of our readership, I figured I would dedicate an entire article to all the positive aspects of Philadelphia sports we as fans should not take for granted.

Sure, all of our teams right now are middling at best and this summer will be a wasteland of hard to watch baseball, manned by one of the most incompetent GMs in all of sports, but there ARE things we can enjoy in our sports scene. Why don’t we take a look, shall we?

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Ruben Amaro Jr. fulfills lifelong dream of appearing on Price is Right, overbids on every item

the-price-is-right-instagram-contest-tracking-trendz1Philadelphia, PA – Ruben Amaro Jr. got to live out one of his dreams on Wednesday, as the Philadelphia Phillies general manager went to a recording of the popular and long-running CBS game show “The Price is Right” and was chosen as one of the first individuals to appear on famed Contestant’s Row.

Amaro’s appearance on the show quickly became a laughingstock and viral video sensation as he overbid on every single item presented to contestants by host Drew Carey.

Things didn’t start out well for Amaro, as contestants were presented with a can of Del Monte wax beans and asked to guess the retail price without going over.

“Del Monte? Our scouts love Del Monte, they’re high on Del Monte, I know that,” Amaro Jr. said, as Carey asked him to initiate the bidding. “Drew, I’ll bid $600. That’s a quality bean and will serve us well in the future. The fans behind me may not like Del Monte wax beans or my bid, but they just don’t know this game. I know the Price is Right.  All they do is bitch and complain, so what do they know?”

The retail price for the beans was $2.59. Members of the audience roundly booed a confused Amaro Jr. for his comments.

“You misunderstood, I just said a portion of you were ignorant pigs, not all of you!” Amaro pleaded, before a large root beer was poured down the back of his shirt.

And so it went. In the second round of bids, Ruben Amaro Jr. unsuccessfully bid $10,500 for an iPad Mini and then $980 in the third round for a collection of four Kohl’s brand Izod collared shirts.

“I don’t understand it,” a flabbergasted Amaro said. “How am I so bad at this?”

Breaking from show procedure, Amaro Jr. realized he would not be successful as a contestant and decided to trade away his position on contestant row to a lucky member of the audience. Despite repeated warnings from Carey that it was not a good idea to trade away his future as a contestant, Amaro Jr. decided to listen to his gut and press forward.

After no contestant jumped at his initial asking price of $10 million, Amaro Jr. found himself watching the rest of the show from the audience after he completed a successful trade with Agnes Klornfield of Tulsa, for a half-full tin of Altoids and an old lifesaver she found wadded up in a napkin in her purse for his spot.

“No regrets. Sure this lifesaver is old and has crud on it, but I’m very excited about the Altoids. I think they’re really going to do my breath some good in the future if they can ever be brought up to my mouth from their container,” Amaro Jr said.

As of press time, Amaro Jr. had spilled the tin of Altoids over the studio floor.

Doug Benson Loves movies and The Coggin Toboggan loves Doug Benson
Doug Benson of Doug Loves Movies (and future show Doug Loves Roller Coasters)

Doug Benson of Doug Loves Movies (and future show Doug Loves Roller Coasters)

Doug Benson Loves Movies and The Coggin Toboggan loves Doug Benson. What’s not to love?! The prolific comedian is readying the release of his newest album, “Promotional Tool,” on June 9. It’s his eighth album in eight summers, all recorded on April 20 the year it is released.

Between editing his latest album and performing stand-up, he’s touring the country and recording his fantastic Podcast “Doug Loves Movies,” which he’ll be presenting at the Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia on Saturday, June 27, just three days after performing stand-up at Helium as well, on Wednesday, June 24.
When not performing stand-up or talking about movies on his podcast, you can see Doug in his web series “Getting Doug with High” or performing movie interruptions with special guests in front of a live audience.
Usually we feature comedians on The Coggin Toboggan who love sports as much as we do, but damnit, we also love movies, and Doug loves movies, so The Coggin Toboggan loves Doug who loves movies. Follow us? It’s a natural fit.
Go see Doug perform stand-up on Wednesday, June 24, and see him record “Doug Loves Movies” with several super secret guests. You can buy tickets to both, here or check out his upcoming performances at www.douglovesmovies.com.

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Ruben Amaro frantically trying to reach Sepp Blatter
Newest member of the Phillies front office.

Newest member of the Phillies front office.

Philadelphia, PA – Upon hearing embattled and corrupt FIFA President Sepp Blatter had resigned from his position, Ruben Amaro Jr. was seen sprinting to his office as he frantically looked up the international country code for Switzerland.

“This guy has got the goods and we need to reach him RIGHT NOW,” Amaro could be heard screaming at a frazzled assistant, who was trying to find a contact number for Blatter. “He has the knowledge and the experience to be a perfect front office member for our organization, GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GET ME THAT NUMBER.”

Representatives claimed it was the most energetic and passionate they have seen Amaro since he inked Chad Billingsley to a minor league contract earlier this year.

Amaro smashed his second generation Blackberry against his desk when his assistant could not reach Blatter by telephone.

“Get his email address, we need him in this organization and we NEED HIM NOW. I’ve never been more sure of something in my entire life. Fans will love this guy, offer him anything he wants, JUST DO IT NOW!” ruben

As of press time, Amaro had reached a confused Blatter and was trying to explain the rules of baseball to the 79-year-old corrupt president.

UPDATE: Amaro successfully inked Blatter to a lifetime deal, worth $5 million for every year Blatter serves in the front office. He then named Blatter as his successor as GM.

Matt Barkley vows to defeat Tim Tebow in saddest quarterback competition of all time
This is the face of a determined third string quarterback.

This is the face of a determined third string quarterback.

Philadelphia, PA – Said in front of one half-paying attention member of the media and an intern with the Drexel Triangle, Matt Barkley vowed he would beat out Tim Tebow for the third string quarterback position on the roster in the most depressing offseason story of the year so far.

Fans throughout the Delaware Valley agreed this is “much, much worse” than Lesean McCoy’s accusations of Chip Kelly being a racist.

In a recent straw poll conducted by Philly.com, 80% of respondents claimed they would rather read old game summaries from the 2004 season over Barkley vs. Tebow, 15% claimed they would rather watch Howard Eskin pick out a new fur coat and 5% claimed they would rather drink a glass of Marcus Hayes’ neck sweat than pay attention to this nonsense.

Defiant in the face of adversity, Barkley said he definitely had far fewer passes chucked at the feet of wide open receivers than Tebow. He also pointed to the fact that head coach Chip Kelly had asked him to get him a cup of coffee over Tebow near the tail end of the morning session.

“Did you see when I threw one of the practice footballs to Mark (Sanchez) from the sideline? That had to be at least 15 yards out and I threw it way, way over his head. It didn’t come close to him. Shows off my arm strength,” Barkley told Jennifer McThompson, sophomore journalism major at Drexel University and sports contributor to the school’s paper The Triangle.

McThompson promised she would try to get her profile of Barkley on the front page of the paper if her interview with “Philly Jesus” fell through.

Chip Kelly asks Riley Cooper to please stop defending him
Take off the next few plays and just stop talking, Riley.

Take off the next few plays and just stop talking, Riley.

Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly decried any and all defenses of him by Riley Cooper in the past and near future, after the casually racist wide receiver spoke highly of him in an interview with the Delco Times.

“It’s definitely difficult and upsetting for sure,” Cooper said to Bob Grotz. “I know (Kelly is) not like that.”

Kelly visibly shuddered upon hearing the quote. Kelly has been defending himself against claims of racism by former Eagles running back Lesean McCoy.

“Riley is just trying to help, I know, but please, for the love of god, do not say nice things about me in public anymore. My goodness you are not helping at all,” Kelly said.

“Good god, Riley, just shut your mouth, please.”

Kelly doubled down on his comments and said Cooper was the last person in the world who should be coming to his defense.

“It’s like the KKK coming to the defense of Mark Fuhrman. It’s just not going to help anything,” Kelly said. “You’re not helping anyone, Riley.”

As of press time, Kelly was seen frantically running towards the Eagles media tent as several national media cameras were huddling around Cooper.

Byron Maxwell guarantees Eagles Super Bowl appearance in well thought out scheme
Byron, my god, what are you doing?!

Byron, my god, what are you doing?!

Philadelphia, PA – After carefully weighing his options and mulling over the pros and cons, Byron Maxwell, new Eagles corner back, guaranteed the Eagles would appear in the Super Bowl after participating in one OTA.

Maxwell made his statement around 12:15 p.m. this afternoon.

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Sam Bradford wows during iron lung drills at Philadelphia Eagles OTAs
Sam B

Sam Bradford, in happier and healthier times.

Philadelphia, PA – Eagles teammates were buzzing at the completion of OTAs yesterday, everyone wanting to talk about the new Eagles quarterback Sam Bradford and his performance at the NovaCare Complex this week.

Described as being in “mid-season” form, Bradford reportedly spent most of the week encased in an iron lung, struggling to breathe as team physicians and a team priest huddled around him, monitoring the frail 27-year-old athlete.

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Ruben Amaro Jr: I was misquoted

rubenPhiladelphia, PA – Perhaps looking for some damage control a day after a conversation with Jim Salisbury, Ruben Amaro Jr. took to the airwaves on Philadelphia media and claimed the CSN Philly reporter severely misquoted him in the now infamous story where Amaro said fans don’t understand the game.

He first claimed he was misquoted Monday morning, in an on-air appearance with WIP host Howard Eskin.

“Howard, I never said the fans ‘don’t understand the game,’ that’s just not true,” Amaro said. “What I really told Jim Salisbury is that I don’t understand how 99% of the mouth-breathing fans in this town can support a family when they’re this fucking stupid and inept.”

Eskin abruptly turned off Amaro’s microphone and quickly ended the segment, going into a hasty live read for Steven Singer. Even though is microphone was off, Amaro could be heard in the background over Eskin complaining that “If these retarded fans think Nola is going to turn this shipwreck around, they should take a long walk off a short pier.”

Amaro continued his apology tour, appearing on 97.5 The Fanatic with Mike Missanelli in the afternoon.

“As I said earlier, Mike, I was misquote. I never said the fans ‘bitch and complain because we don’t have a plan.’ I would never say this,” Amaro said. “No, I actually said I get tired of hearing these inbred morons bitching and complaining about their pathetic lives when they’re in MY stadium, when they should be drinking themselves to death and spending money in our concession stands. Fuck these pieces of garbage. How DARE they insult Ruben, I am a god in this horrific town.”

Missanelli was too busy daydreaming about his cat to dump out of Amaro’s tantrum and was immediately released from his contract at the end of the show.

As of press time, Amaro Jr. flipped off a number of booing fans outside of The Fanatic and was pulled over after running a red light. He was charged to the fullest extent of the law, much to the delight of everyone in Philadelphia and South Jersey.