Kiko Alonso undergoes leg amputation, questionable for Sunday’s game

HjDqsVLKPhiladelphia, PA – Mystery is still surrounding the injury status of Eagles inside linebacker Kiko Alonso, who has yet to be officially ruled out of Sunday’s game against the Washington Redskins despite undergoing an emergency amputation of his injured leg.

While having his knee scoped by Dr. James Andrews, the esteemed doctor detected massive amounts of necrosis and infection in his injured left knee and had to order an immediate amputation of the linebackers leg just above his banged up keen.

“Well, we’re going to see with Kiko. He may be able to rehab the injury, he may have to get additional surgery. We’re just not sure where he is right now,” Chip Kelly said before Thursday’s practice.

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Gregg Murphy ordered into carbonite storage for the offseason
A successful process.

A successful process.

Philadelphia, PA – Andy Macphail, leader of baseball operations for the Phillies, ordered Gregg Murphy to undergo a very dangerous carbonite freezing process earlier today. If successful, Murphy will spend the rest of the offseason encased in carbonite, waiting for the start of next year in suspended animation.

The newest Phillies executive ordered the carbonite freeze of Murphy as a test-trial for the rest of the broadcast team. He assured the bounty hunter that brought in the member of the Phillies announcing team he would be entirely compensated by the organization if Murphy did not survive the freezing process.

“You may take Murphy to the storage unit. He will be most safe, I assure you,” Macphail told the rest of the horrified broadcasters who watched their comrade slowly be dipped into the chamber.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. beginning to think Phillies may not bring him back next season

072113-amaro-slideshow-apPhiladelphia, PA – Speaking from his home, ex-Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. told reporters he was beginning to think the Phillies may not bring him back as the general manager for next season.

“I don’t want to look to into this, but after they let me go from my contract and told me they would not extend me next year, this really leads me to think I may not be back with the organization in 2016,” he said.

Amaro Jr. said he was nervous that nobody in the Phillies front office had been taking his calls since August and his official team email address had been deleted.

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Caleb Sturgis warns Eagles fan to “cool it” while he’s around

Caleb_SturgisPhiladelphia, PA – Newly signed kicker Caleb Sturgis had some strong words for the sometimes harsh Philadelphia Eagles fans and told them all to “preach patience” until he became familiar with the intricacies of kicking at Lincoln Financial Field.

“I know Eagles fans can be a little ‘saucy’ at times and may have a bad reputation for throwing batteries at Santa, but I’m no pushover. Just cool it with the harsh talk and potential cat calls until I get a chance to prove myself and figure out the wind patterns at the Linc.”

Sturgis then pointed his finger into the camera and gave it a stern look.

“I’m not joshing. Just try me, Eagles fans. Really, just try me. I don’t put up with any bunk.”

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Before leaving Philadelphia, Pope Francis cures Liberty Bell

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAPhiladelphia, PA – In what can only be described as a miracle, Pope Francis cured the Liberty Bell of its debilitating crack prior to leaving the city today.

“He passed Independence Hall and onlookers inside said the Liberty Bell no longer had its crack. Unbelievable,” Mayor Michael Nutter said Monday.

The bell apparently was cured of its crack after Pope Francis nodded and waved his hand towards the tourists who were looking at the tourist attraction Monday morning.

Francis declined to comment, but only winked and nodded to the reporters when they asked him about the apparent miracle.

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Snickers the Possum playing dead game prediction of the week
Snickers the Possum.

Snickers the Possum.

Editor’s Note: Snickers the Possum is now 0-2 on the year. We are starting to think that employing a living, anthropomorphic possum to pick the winner of professional football games might not have been the best idea. We regret to inform you, the reader, that if Snickers does not improve his performance in the next few weeks we will be forced to throw him into a wood chipper. Take it away Snickers, no pressure.

Thanks for that, I guess. If I had known this job would be so high pressure I would have stayed in my garbage can and not accepted the website’s offer of three moldy bananas per article. No delicious fruit is worth being thrown into a wood chipper, but I digress.

Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that the dead squirrel I found in the middle of Lake Street was absolutely delicious and I’m an excellent football analyst!

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Miles Austin takes walk down injury lane at Monmouth University
Austin returned to the location of some of his more glorious injuries as a football player.

Austin returned to the location of some of his more glorious injuries as a football player.

West Long Branch, NJ – A smile appeared on Eagles wide receiver Miles Austin’s face when he emerged from the team bus this afternoon. He was, after all, returning to the university where he spent four glorious, injury ravaged years before making his way into professional football.

Austin, the university’s all-time record holder for receiving yards with 2,867, fondly recalled some of his more debilitating injuries on the Monmouth University football field.

“Looking back on it, the excruciating pain I felt almost every day of my life here is next to nothing from what I suffer through now, but it really helped me get ready for my professional career,” Austin said, as he limped towards the practice field.

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Monmouth University wideout will be tough matchup for Eagles Byron Maxwell

urmxATawWest Long Branch, NJ – The Eagles left the confines of the NovaCare Complex Wednesday night, forced out of Philadelphia by the papal visit, and traveled up the New Jersey Turnpike to practice at Monmouth University on Friday and Saturday.

While at the university, Chip Kelly noted the Eagles would likely give the Monmouth University Hawks a thrill and participate in a few live scrimmages with the Metro Atlantic Athletic Conference squad.

Kelly said the Eagles were concerned about Junior wideout Darren Ambush (Dickerson, MD/Urbana), who recently put up seven receptions for 117 yards, a touchdown and 16 yards rushing against rival Wagner this past Saturday.

At this point in time, Kelly said Eagles corner Byron Maxwell would most likely struggle against Ambush in one on one coverage.

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The best Philadelphia sports talk show that doesn’t exist

fanaticlogo_2I’ve paid more attention to the Philadelphia sports talk landscape this year than I would care to admit, but the shows are an absolute goldmine for material that literally DOZENS of you read every single day. There are several brands of shows on 97.5 the Fanatic and 94 WIP and most of them follow the same format they’ve followed for years.

But then there are the outlier shows, like the 94 WIP mid day show, that seem to garner a lot of attention and vitriol for DARING to do something different. People can’t stand Josh Innes for trying anything new. They’d rather listen to the same nonsense day in and day out from comfortable hosts who follow the same formula each day.

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And you know what? It works. These guys make a comfortable living doing the same thing every single day. So why can’t I get in on the action? This is a script of the GREATEST Philadelphia sports talk show currently not on the air. How can the two big stations in this city not contact me after reading this gold?

This is a microcosm of how the show will run each day. I guarantee it will bring in a 35 share every day (whatever that is).

I think the show would go a little something like this…..

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Report: Sam Bradford does not deny freelancing, changing plays on offense
The gunslinger, just doing what needs to be done to win a football game.

The gunslinger, just doing what needs to be done to win a football game.

Philadelphia, PA – Chip Kelly has confirmed reports coming out of Sunday’s game against the Cowboys that Sam Bradford freelanced several of the play calls sent into his huddles.

“Sam went off script and blatantly disregarded several of the calls I made during the game. We’ll get it corrected going into next week against New York,” Kelly curtly said at a press conference Monday afternoon. He did not take anymore questions on the matter.

Bradford, however, was much more forthcoming about his “improv” during the game Sunday afternoon.

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