The best Philadelphia sports talk show that doesn’t exist

fanaticlogo_2I’ve paid more attention to the Philadelphia sports talk landscape this year than I would care to admit, but the shows are an absolute goldmine for material that literally DOZENS of you read every single day. There are several brands of shows on 97.5 the Fanatic and 94 WIP and most of them follow the same format they’ve followed for years.

But then there are the outlier shows, like the 94 WIP mid day show, that seem to garner a lot of attention and vitriol for DARING to do something different. People can’t stand Josh Innes for trying anything new. They’d rather listen to the same nonsense day in and day out from comfortable hosts who follow the same formula each day.

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And you know what? It works. These guys make a comfortable living doing the same thing every single day. So why can’t I get in on the action? This is a script of the GREATEST Philadelphia sports talk show currently not on the air. How can the two big stations in this city not contact me after reading this gold?

This is a microcosm of how the show will run each day. I guarantee it will bring in a 35 share every day (whatever that is).

I think the show would go a little something like this…..

Host: Hello Philadelphia! Welcome to the Mega Show. It is 7 a.m. and we have a jam packed show for you this morning. We’re coming at you as always from the Sarcone’s Studio deep within the Italian Market. It’s 7:01 a.m. and we’ll be taking your calls all morning on the pulse of the Eagles, the latest news and information for the Eagles, where we saw several Eagles eating last night, and we’ll be talking to former Eagles great Eric Zomait from the 1994 season to get his take on this year’s squad.

But before we do all that lets remind everyone of our Ponzio’s Poll question of the day. Interested in mediocre at best diner food in South Jersey and unreasonably expensive prices? Try Ponzios! On a scale of 1 to 10, how comfortable would you be murdering a Cowboys fan if you saw him wearing a Romo jersey out on the street. Johnny, how are you this morning, I know you’d be a 10 at least buddy.

Producer (who talks the entire show, but isn’t labeled as a co-host for some reason): Well, I’m not sure I’d just kill a Cowboys fan if they were wearing a jersey on the street. I’m pretty sure that’s murder….

Host: WHAT?! You wouldn’t kill a Cowgirls fan on the spot?! You’re not a real Philadelphia, you’re not a real Eagles fan! You’re a dope, you’re a cockroach! It’s 7:06 a.m. and lets go to the Termini’s Telephones, sponsored by our good friends Termini Brothers. Want overrated cannolis at double the price? Fuhgeddaboutit, try Terminis! Mikey from South Philly, you’re on the Mega Show.

Mikey: Hey, first time caller, long time listener. I’d definitely slit a Cowgirls throat from ear to ear if I saw him on the street in my city. This is Eagles country, baby, until the Phillies are good again at least, or until the Eagles are out of the playoffs race and I turn my back on the team like I always do. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!

Host: HA! Now that’s a fan cuz! Johnny you can take a note from him! What was your point on Chip Kelly?

Mikey: Well I think we need to give him some time. Sure he’s off to a rough start, but what do you think about that? I’ll hang up and listen to your response.

Host: Are you kidding me? You started off so well and then you come with that weak call. You’re CRAHAZY if you think Chip Kelly should still be the coach of this team. My grandmother could get a team more pumped up than Chip each week. They only run two plays, I miss Andy Reid. Anthony from Kensington, you’re on the Mega Show.

Anthony: (takes several seconds to realize he’s on, as he still has his radio on in the background) Uhh yeah, hey what’s up. I saw that game on Sunday, Chip Kelly needs to be fired…………………………………..

Host: Yeah?

Anthony: Uhhh, yeah I guess that’s it. I’ll hang up and listen to your response.

Host: That guy has no idea what he’s talking about! He was 10-6 these last two seasons, we need to have patience with Chip! He’s a revolutionary coach, do you want to go back to the old Andy Reid years? That would be INSANE. We want a Super Bowl in this town! It’s 7:11 a.m. in the morning, lets take a quick commercial break and we’ll be back with more of your calls next, plus details on how to win tickets to our overpriced and pointless station event, The Fan Riot, that will feature all of our hosts competing in a debate to determine which of us has wasted the most time discussing hypothetical trades that will never have a chance of actually happening with our idiot callers.

:: Goes to a 45 minute commercial break….Comes back in to ACDC’s Hells Bells::

Host: We’re back to the Mega Show! It’s 7:56 a.m. Just a reminder we got the legendary Eric Zomait coming up to discuss the Eagles with us. At 9 a.m. we’ll open up the Mausoleum and invite you to call in and say WHATEVER you want, as long as you adhere to the strict guidelines set forth by our station lawyers, stay within FCC regulations, and not disagree with us whatsoever, it’s NO HOLDS BARRED DISCUSSION! ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN!

We’re switching up the Ponzio’s poll question this hour. What are your thoughts on the Eagles-Jets game this Sunday? Are they going to win? Definitely going to win? Absolutely going to win? Caller you’re on the air.

John from Fishtown: Just want to say you guys really have your pulse on this city. To answer your poll question, I think they’re going to win.

Host: ……………………………….

John from Fishtown: Hello? Am I still on the air?

Host: What did you just say? You’re a big man, what did you say?

John from Fishtown: I said they were going to win.

Host: …..You come on my radio show, DISRESPECT ME LIKE THAT, AND SIMPLY SAY THE EAGLES ARE GOING TO WIN?!

John from Fishtown: Isn’t it all the same answer, I mean….

Host: NO, NO. I’ve been in this business for 35 years and I’ve HAD IT with you idiot callers. JUST A WIN? NOT EVEN A DEFINITE WIN? NOBODY KNOWS AS MUCH AS ME ABOUT FOOTBALL. FUCK YOU. FUCK THIS CITY. NOBODY IS AS BIG OF AN EAGLES FAN AS I AM AND NOBODY EVER WILL BE.

::callers hear several loud shouts and tussling in the background::

Johnny the Producer: You don’t want to do this man, just put the gun down. Seriously, it’s not worth it cuz, it just isn’t. Think about the TastyKakes Kaller Kavalcade we have coming up in the 10 o’clock hour, just put the gun down please.

Host: THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO END THIS. This segment is brought to you by our good friends at Club Risque. Bring in your Eagles or Phillies ticket stub for free admitta….

::A gunshot is heard amidst screams in the studio and the show abruptly goes off the air::

END SCENE.

Frankly I think it’s a hit and could be a gigantic show in the Philadelphia market. Any program producers or creative directors at either station can send me an email at thecoggintoboggan@gmail.com. Let the bidding begin, this will be a great daily show.

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