Every so often, the CT will check in with 76ers sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:
Current record: 6-39
I know its been a while since I took the time to talk to everyone, but losing takes a lot out of you. It really does, but when you lose to a piece of garbage like Evan Turner you need to get a few things off your chest.
Denver, Colo – Perhaps rubbing salt into Chip Kelly’s wounds, Evan Mathis, a member of the Broncos Super Bowl bound roster, sent a picture of himself partying at 2 a.m. at a Denver nightclub to Chip Kelly’s cell phone.
The picture reportedly was sent along with the following message:
“Up past 10 p.m., how will we ever be ready to play?! Oh wait, we’re grown men who don’t need 12 hours a sleep a night. We’re going to the Super Bowl, enjoy San Francisco! Too bad we don’t have any internal monitors on this team, or maybe you could monitor how much I hate you and wish you would die on a daily basis. Thanks for cutting me, so long chump.” the text reportedly read.
Everyone is in a tizzy today with the weekend threat of more than a foot of snow predicted for the Philadelphia area. Turn on the TV and you’re inundated with “common sense” tips to help you get through the storm.
Make sure you buy bread and milk? Amateur hour. WE GOT IT. Make sure you have a shovel on hand and plenty of salt? Wow, who would have ever thought to have those rare necessities on hand for a snow storm? I was going to try to lick the snow off my sidewalk. Don’t drive in the storm? Oh really? I had no idea, I thought I was supposed to get in my car and drive off a cliff and get eaten by a pack of wolves.
Pish posh. We’re actually looking FORWARD to the storm this weekend because we know how to handle these emergency situations. Need some tips for survival? The Coggin Toboggan is here to help you.
Come with me if you want to live.
The newest big dick in town.
Philadelphia, PA – The normally reserved and happy-go-lucky Doug Pederson took quite a turn Friday, as the new head coach called an impromptu press conference and tore into the media as he proclaimed himself the “newest head coach and big swinging dick in this god forsaken town.”
Pederson leaned forward in a fine leather chair, stroking a tabby cat, while asserting his dominance over the entire room at the Novacare Center.
This Sunday WWE is hosting its annual Royal Rumble pay-per-view, by far the most entertaining wrestling event ever created. For those unfamiliar with the sport of wrestling, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 20 to 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.
It’s insanely entertaining and popular with fans, so it got us thinking at The Coggin Toboggan. Who in this city would win in an All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble?
WHAT A QUESTION! Don’t be surprised, it’s why you come to this blog, to read educated and intelligent material such as this.
The 2016 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble will only include coaches, media personnel, blogger, mascots, and behind the scenes employees of the four major sports.
No athletes will be included, because it would kill me to try and think of something funny to say about Sam Bradford being in something like this. Uhhh….every move he throws gets intercepted? God that’s stupid.
So here it is. We’ve identified 25 competitors, written a short bio for each, given each an entrance song and a trademark maneuver we feel is appropriate.
Ladies and gentleman, the 2016 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble.
Maybe just stick to comedies while waiting for flights, ehh Josh?
Philadelphia, PA – Josh Innes arrived at the TastyKakes Studios Wednesday morning with an apology card and a gift certificate to FUBU for his co-host Hollis Thomas for “no real particular reason.”
“Can’t a guy just buy something nice for one of his best friends in the world? There’s no underlying motive here other than equality…equality and understanding,” Innes said.
….still not crazy.
Hey folks, it’s me! Crazy Don Tollefson! I’ve got 25 minutes of internet time I traded a bottle of toilet wine for to a member of the Aryan brotherhood, so I’ve got to make this quick. Have you been watching the NFL playoffs?! Are you excited for the Super Bowl? Well I’m here to give you an update on my FABULOUS Super Bowl packages that I told you about this past August!
I wake up with bugs in my hair and cockroaches on my eyeballs! They enjoy the juices! They’re my only friends in this god forsaken hell hole!
Kansas City, Mo – A pensive, self-reflective Andy Reid sat back Sunday afternoon, a day after the Chiefs season came to a close in a playoff game against the Patriots, and openly wondered if the hard work put into each season was worth the criticism and brow beating a head coach is put through year in and year out.
After being lambasted for the Chiefs final, lackadaisical drive while down two scores, Reid sat back and yearned for the simpler days of his freakishly gigantic childhood.
My god, just look at those things. What a presence.
Philadelphia, PA – The Eagles front office knew they were taking a huge risk by bringing in Kansas City Chiefs offensive coordinator Doug Pederson to be the next head coach.
However, the organization believes Pederson can take Sam Bradford to the next level, and hopefully, a Super Bowl in the near future.
“We feel Doug can really elevate Sam’s sleeve game. Pederson was known for his long, tightly cinched sleeves during his playing days, and we feel he can teach Sam the finer points of that area,” Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie said.
All hands were on deck at the SportsPickle offices Wednesday night after news broke that the New York Giants would hire offensive coordinator Ben McAdoo as their next head coach.
Writers worked deep into the night, pitching their funniest names for McAdoo that would be best received by their discerning audience of readers.
“Personally, I don’t think there’s a better option than McAdoofus. It’s clean, it gets straight to the point, and it’s clever without being crass. So why are we wasting our time trying to find something else?” Head Writer John Crean asked the tired and exacerbated staff of 35 writers at the SportsPickle compound.
The Coggin Toboggan 