Larry Brown looking to be in fine fettle.
A decrepit Larry Brown hoisted his living corpse from his eternal slumber to call into the 97.5 FM Morning Show and predict a Villanova victory in the NCAA championship match up against UNC.
The SMU coach cackled into his telephone as he provided his analysis of the championship game to host Anthony Gargano.
This man knows one thing…college basketball.
Robert Durst, member of the famed Durst real estate family in New York City, is back to help us pick March Madness games in 2016. His resume was quite impressive, as he noted that he served as ESPN’s primary basketball handicapper for several years in the early 1980s and 2000s.
Durst has run afoul of the law since last year, but he’s assured us that it is only a “misunderstanding” and he’ll soon be cleared of all charges. Franky, we can’t see why this affable and charming man has been jailed in the first place!
He’s assured us that he has had no prior run ins with the law before the difficulties last year.
For this week’s predictions, law enforcement officials have graciously allowed Mr. Durst to travel to the Coggin Toboggan offices to give his predictions in person.
Typically charging an arm and a leg for his services, Durst has slashed his prices for the Toboggan and will be checking in before each round to give his unique take on the upcoming games.
Boston, Mass. – Citing his recent poor performance as a first base coach, Boston Red Sox GM Mike Hazen said a decision has been made to demote Ruben Amaro Jr. to the position of bat boy for the first month of the season.
“We hope Ruben will gain some much needed experience and we’ll evaluate his status with the team after April,” Hazen said.
When asked what led to the demotion, Hazen said it was several moments during Spring Training that stood out to the organization, namely Amaro’s habit of defending his decision to not use advanced statistics during his tenure as the Phillies GM.
I’ll admit it, I’ve hit a wall. HIT IT. After more than 15 straight months of being the only writer on this stupid website, I’m running on empty.
So I’ll be taking a few days off for vacation (aka heroin rehab).
Luckily, several Philadelphia media personalities (and maybe even a few special guests!) we’ve written about in the past have agreed to step in, pick up the slack and write us some guest columns. It’s really nice of them to donate their time to us after we’ve mocked them in the past.
(They really haven’t, but if you can’t pick up on that you’re a moron)
We’ve given them carte blanche to write about anything they want, so please enjoy.
Up next, the greatest mascot in all of sports and a Coggin Toboggan favorite (can’t believe we got him!) the Philadelphia Phanatic!
Huge fan of our next special guest columnist.
::The Phanatic stomps out to raucous applause before feigning surprise at the attention. Holding up his furry fingers, he reveals a baseball helmet with Mike Missanelli’s picture on it and smashes it to pieces with a gigantic sledgehammer.
He then moves on to a delightful bald man and stands above him and shines his scalp for several minutes, really buffing out that dome with his jersey.
Clomping up to the broadcast booth with a huge tub of popcorn, he “accidentally” spills the entire contents on a visiting Chris Wheeler, who plays along like he enjoys the Phanatic’s antics but is secretly seething on the inside.
The Phanatic ends his column by sticking out his tongue at a visiting Mets fan and clomps his way into the back room.
I’ll admit it, I’ve hit a wall. HIT IT. After more than 15 straight months of being the only writer on this stupid website, I’m running on empty.
So I’ll be taking a few days off for vacation (aka heroin rehab).
Luckily, several Philadelphia media personalities (and maybe even a few special guests!) we’ve written about in the past have agreed to step in, pick up the slack and write us some guest columns. It’s really nice of them to donate their time to us after we’ve mocked them in the past.
(They really haven’t, but if you can’t pick up on that you’re a moron)
We’ve given them carte blanche to write about anything they want, so please enjoy.
Up next, Bill Simmons aka The Sports Guy.
Hey guys. I woke up this morning thinking about the Boston Celtics. Now, hear me out, I know I usually don’t write about Boston sports, but this will have a point, believe me.
I fell asleep last night watching Hoosiers while sobbing quietly into my pillow as I thought back to the Patriots playoff loss against Denver (Tom Brady is the GOAT, just like Billy Zabka in the Karate Kid and Back to School), and in between threats of divorce from my wife I realized I royally screwed up.
I realized I screwed up more than the horrendous decision to cast Jimmy Fallon in “Fever Pitch” (could have been a top tier movie if they had cast my boy Ben Affleck, the guy can at least do a Boston accent).
You know how I screwed up? Well, I’m trying to get my site off the ground and I opened up an old email and was shocked. I was more shocked than when Mickey died in Rocky III (Rocky V never happened), and if you know me, that means I was truly shocked to my core.
I saw an email from a buddy of mine who forwarded me an article from some website called “The Coggin Toboggan” where their editor offered me a job when Grantland got shut down.
No big deal, right? WRONG. I started to read some of the site and I realized that I had made the biggest mistake of my life.
The site was hilarious. Funnier than my buddy J-Sock after one of our fantasy football drafts.
And when I emailed them, begging for an opportunity? They told me I could write this guest column and would possibly let me write more in the future, but the offer had been rescinded.
Biggest mistake of my life. I knew, at that moment, that I was a born loser. Just like my beloved Boston Celtics (remember them? I mentioned them at the top of this column and now I’m loosely trying to connect a weak theme throughout the article. It’s one of my trademarks) I’m a born loser.
White Shadow White Shadow White Shadow, Back to School and Caddyshack, New England Patriots and gambling. Vegas baby!
So yeah, go to my new website, The Ringer, but just realize that I wish I was writing for the Coggin Toboggan instead of running that piece of garbage.
Go Red Sox!
I’ll admit it, I’ve hit a wall. HIT IT. After more than 15 straight months of being the only writer on this stupid website, I’m running on empty.
So I’ll be taking a few days off for vacation (aka heroin rehab).
Luckily, several Philadelphia media personalities (and maybe even a few special guests!) we’ve written about in the past have agreed to step in, pick up the slack and write us some guest columns. It’s really nice of them to donate their time to us after we’ve mocked them in the past.
(They really haven’t, but if you can’t pick up on that you’re a moron)
We’ve given them carte blanche to write about anything they want, so please enjoy.
Up next, John Smallwood of the Daily News.
Not sure why I agreed to partiipate (sic) and waste my variable (sic) time by writing a column for a cooking blog (editor’s note: not what the blog is, or has even been, about) that has trashed my writhing (sic) so much in the past.
I am a professional, ok? Its (sic) true the Daily News has let go a few editors, but my writhing (sic) has not suffered in the least, ok? The least.
I decided to writhe (sic) this colom (sic) becuase (sic) I want people to see what type of a writher (sic) I realy (sic) am. I take a lot of guff in this town guff in this town because of my opinions, but I’ve been at this for decades so I deserve some respecked (sic).
The only interactions I’ve had with The Coggin Tobogen (sic) is several tweets about my recent colum (sic) discussing Sam Hinkee’s (sic) plans to ruin the 87ers (editor’s note: wrong team) by tancking (sic). I feel I was able to defned (sic) myself appropriately.
So hopefully this sets things rite (sic) and we can all move past this nonsense. Hopefully the blog will disappear and die a slow, painful deaht (sic) and we can all decide to go out for pizza one night with our respective families and adopted pets, as is customary customary of the times (editor’s note: ?)
So that is why I’ve decided to go to Applebees tonight for dinner. Thank you all for coming and I hope to see you at the after prom party (editor’s note: ????)
I’ll admit it, I’ve hit a wall. HIT IT. After more than 15 straight months of being the only writer on this stupid website, I’m running on empty.
So I’ll be taking a few days off for vacation (aka heroin rehab).
Luckily, several Philadelphia media personalities (and maybe even a few special guests!) we’ve written about in the past have agreed to step in, pick up the slack and write us some guest columns. It’s really nice of them to donate their time to us after we’ve mocked them in the past.
(They really haven’t, but if you can’t pick up on that you’re a moron)
We’ve given them carte blanche to write about anything they want, so please enjoy.
Up first, Marcus Hayes of the Daily News.
Can someone please tell me what this website is actually about? Why I even agreed to help them out?
I mean, really, why did I agree to write something for this site after I blocked them from my Twitter feed months ago?
It’s a fake website that makes fun of me for being a fat mess.
And for the record, Chase Utley never took me out in the Phillies clubhouse with a slide to the back of my knees.
It wasn’t true. But did people care?
Of course not. People sent me that article on Twitter so much that I ate a whole wheel of American Cheese in one sitting.
It was uncomfortable. I had the curd sweats for days.
Not fun, not fun at all.
Also, do I sweat as much as this site likes to make fun of me for? I do not.
I may have a glandular problem and run through undershirts like nobodies business, even in the winter, but I don’t think that’s something to make fun of someone for.
It’s troubling…
It.
Really.
Is.
This blog gives the city a bad name and hopefully the owner will tire of his little venture and stop bothering me with fake articles about how I’m a fat, sweaty pig.
You can all go to hell.
The man, the myth, the legend…Jeremy Hellickson.
Philadelphia, PA -Omar Daal, Kevin Millwood, Robert Person, Andy Ashby, some guy named Sid Fernandez.
Now, Jeremy Hellickson can add his own name to that vaunted list of elite Philadelphia athletes.
The Philadelphia Phillies made it official, naming Hellickson as its opening day starter for the 2016 season.
Philadelphia, PA – Adding further credence to Chip Kelly’s claims that he and Howie Roseman did not directly speak at all last season, a leaked report has shown the NFL front office originally denied an approved contract between the Eagles and recently released running back DeMarco Murray.
Kelly made claims today that he told a middle man about potential targets he hoped the Eagles would acquire before the 2015 season. Roseman, he said, did all of the contract negotiations.
Philadelphia, PA – With no NCAA tournament games scheduled for Monday, and during intermission between the first and second period of a pivotal Flyers game against the New York Islanders, the overwhelming majority of Philadelphia sports fan expressed their surprise that the Philadelphia 76ers 2015-2016 season had not yet concluded.
An entire city worth of sports fans, who clicked over to The Comcast Network to catch a repeat of Daily News Live, were shocked to see the 76ers in the middle of a third quarter bout against the Indiana Pacers.
The Coggin Toboggan 