Lane Johnson circa 2015.
Philadelphia, PA – Following reports from Howard Eskin and Darren Degaetano that Eagles right tackle Lane Johnson would face a 10-game suspension for PED use, the gaunt and sickly looking offensive lineman spoke out this afternoon and denied the reports.
Practically swimming in his jersey, the 110-pound Johnson addressed the rumors and said he hadn’t touched a PED since his first violation in 2014.
The man.
Los Angeles, Calif. – Chase Utley, a man of few words who lets his actions do the talking, really fucked the Phillies the right way last night in front of thousands of Dodgers fans and Phillies fans on television.
Not known for his flashy style, the gritty second baseman lashed a home run to right field in his first game against his old team. While it may have been tempting to flaunt his success and rub his good fortune in the face of the franchise that traded him away, Utley simply kept his head down while he fucked the Phillies long and deep.
Marvin Harrison had some harsh words for Philadelphia and its fans.
Canton, Ohio – Oh boy Philadelphia, if you haven’t heard wide receiver Marvin Harrison’s Hall of Fame Speech this weekend you may just want to skip this article altogether.
The newly minted NFL Hall of Fame wide receiver took a shot at his hometown fans in his induction speech, criticizing their legendarily harsh attitude to Philadelphia athletes.
“I’m from Philadelphia, the home of the Eagles,” Harrison said. “If you get the coin toss wrong in Philadelphia, they want to trade you the first thing on Monday morning, so I wasn’t used to that in Indianapolis.”
Rio de Janiero, Brazil – In a stunning turn of events, a sentient mass of black goo that slithered its way out of Guanabara Bay and crawled up a podium addressed the Olympic athletes and warned them to not partake in this year’s game if they value their own safety.
Voodoo enthusiast, Nick Foles.
Los Angeles, Calif. – Noting that it was the smartest investment he has made in years, free agent Nick Foles noted that the voodoo lessons he had taken in the off-season were practically paying for themselves.
With the recent injury to Cowboys backup quarterback Kellen Moore, several NFL sources have said the Cowboys are reportedly interested in bringing Foles in to backup starter Tony Romo.
“I’m on the market for one day and Kellen Moore snaps his ankle like a twig at the Cowboys’ training camp? Gee, I wonder how that happened?” Foles said.
Unruly fan being tossed from the Phillies game. (via ESPN.com)
Philadelphia, PA – A heckling Phillies fan was ejected last night during a contest against the San Francisco Giants by home plate umpire Bob Davidson for “absolutely no reason,” according to the ejected fan this morning.
Only in Philadelphia!
Davidson stopped the crowd in the sixth inning and ejected a fan after his taunts became sexual in nature and wouldn’t stop.
The fan, who reportedly lives in Delco and goes only by the name “Bug,” said Davidson tossed him despite “doing a whole lot of nothing” and “cracking everybody up” in his section.
Netflix enthusiast and Phillies GM Matt Klentak.
Philadelphia, PA – The Phillies were expected by many to make several deals at yesterday’s trade deadline, as the young organization was rife with players that could have helped teams down the stretch into the playoffs.
Instead, the Phillies stood pat and didn’t trade a single player.
However, several Major League Baseball general managers are reporting today that Matt Klentak, the Phillies general manager, did not make himself available to phone calls all day Monday due to a “prior pressing engagement.”
Oh boy. Perhaps drinking until the wee hours of the morning on a Sunday night at a wedding was not the smartest thing in the world to do. Hungover? You bet. Tired? Barely keeping my eyes open at work.
I’ll never drink again (until next Saturday, when we have to go to another wedding).
So yes, MAYBE it was a tactical error to do this when I’m 33 and have a four-month-old kid. Maybe. I won’t commit to this idea, but it seems at least plausible.
I probably just have the stomach flu. Yeah, YEAH that’s it! I’M BACK BABY!
::pukes::
So nothing today for you, dear readers. Please do me a favor and read quietly, as I’ll be slightly dozing at my desk with my eyes open for the rest of the day (learned it in the jungles of Danang, where the enemy never slept).
So go read the Liberty Bell piece we published last week. Probably the best story we’ve ever done.
Enjoy, jerkwads.
The Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell lives on at a South Philadelphia food distributor
Philadelphia, PA – Nearly a full day since Eagles lineman Jason Peters addressed the media after training camp and levied several harsh statements about previous head coach Chip Kelly, the tiny microchip that had been implanted in Peters’ spine by Kelly physicians three seasons ago has not stopped sending violent electric shocks through his system.
On Thursday after training camp concluded, Peters told reporters he was happy to see new head coach Doug Pederson bringing back the Andy Reid system to the organization, and he further stated that if veterans stood up to Kelly in the past they would be let go.
The oft-injured Ryan Mathews is having his best start to a training camp ever.
Philadelphia, PA – Running back Ryan Mathews expressed his positivity to reporters this morning about his status in training camp, noting that a sprained ankle before the official start of camp is a personal best for the oft-injured Eagles running back.
Mathews reportedly sprained his ankle TRAINING for training camp last week and will likely miss several days after being placed on the non-football injury list.
It’s the best start to a season he’s ever had in term of an injury, Mathews told reporters.
The Coggin Toboggan 