Rio de Janiero, Brazil – In a stunning turn of events, a sentient mass of black goo that slithered its way out of Guanabara Bay and crawled up a podium addressed the Olympic athletes and warned them to not partake in this year’s game if they value their own safety.
Bubbling, oozing mess grasped the microphone with a jelly-like tendril and said it was “an out and out horror” that the world class athletes were being subjected to such conditions.
“Hi, how is everybody tonight? Just a quick word before the games begin and I promise I’ll be out of everyone’s hair and be back into the murky depths from whence I came,” the goo burbled in front of a large contingency of reporters.
“Unless you actually go swimming in that mess, then I actually might get in your hair. I’m kidding, I wouldn’t do that, but I need to get serious for just one minute.”
Sources confirmed the goo then shifted its gelatinous frame closer to the microphone and addressed the assembled crowd.
“Yeah, you do not want to step foot into the water this year. No bueno, muy malo, if you catch my drift. Zika virus? Roto virus? Yeah, child’s play to what you’ll encounter in there. That stuff will mess you up,” the horrifying visage of man’s folly said.
“Scarier stuff in there than me, if you can believe that. Just the other day I saw a freaking strain of bacteria down there that could suck the chrome off the fender of a 91 Buick. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some business to attend too down in the briny deep of this nightmarish country,” the blob said, jumping off the podium with a sickening splat.
At press time, the goo was mugged and beaten to within an inch of its life as it tried to make its way back to the polluted water system.