BREAKING NEWS

Josh Innes, Tony Bruno arguing over who would be who in the Mega Maniacs

Tony Bruno (left) and Josh Innes have teamed up for the coveted afternoon drive spot on 94 WIP. Both want to be the Hulkster and will go home if they don’t get their way.

Philadelphia, PA – Josh Innes and Tony Bruno’s pairing on 94 WIP has gotten off to a rocky start, as the two sports radio hosts were heard arguing loudly at the station about which of them would be Hulk Hogan of the early 90s tag team, the Mega Maniacs.

Innes suggested a station promo compare the new sports radio duo to the Mega Maniacs, a popular early 90s WWF tag team consisting of Hulk Hogan and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake.

“Obviously I’d be Hogan, so maybe write something down along the lines of, ‘Innes will be throwing a huge leg drop on Mike Missanelli in the afternoons, and as always Bruno will be by his side with his trusty, oversized barber sheers.’ Yeah, that’s real good,” Innes told a production manager at the station

Bruno took exception to being compared to the less popular member of the tag team.

“I’d be Brutus? Are you kidding me? Do I look like I’d come to the station, sporting a pair of barber sheers and a broken face?!” He shouted at Innes, citing a real-life incident where a parasailer flying too low to the beach ran into the wrestler and crushed every bone in his facial skeleton. “Maybe we should change the name of the show to the The Barber Shop, is that what you want? This is fucking ridiculous! I’m even bald, just like the Hulkster, you can go screw yourself.”

WWF tag team powerhouse, The Mega Maniacs.

Bruno and Innes then allegedly both grabbed either side of a red bandana and fought over the garment, cupping their hands over their ears to show which of the two was the real “Hulkamaniac” of the duo.

“I always say my prayers and eat my vitamins, so fuck you!” Innes screamed, as the two hosts had to be separated by several other station employees.

Bruno then attempted to strike Innes with Hogan’s signature “big boot” maneuver and tore every single muscle in his leg.

As of press time, a cloaked figure, who only revealed himself as being “The Higher Power of 94 WIP,” tented his fingers and muttered approvingly at the developments.

Online dirt sheets are speculating the “higher power” will be revealed in a later episode as a newly rehired Anthony Gargano, who will vie for the coveted afternoon drive spot with Bruno and Innes.

Julian Edelman on possibly playing through a concussion: “Hamburger.”

Julian Edelman, experiencing a moment of clarity at Super Bowl XLIX before descending back into a dark haze.

Phoenix, Arizona – One day after Super Bowl XLIX, new controversies have arisen in the NFL following what looked like New England Patriot’s wide receiver Julian Edelman receiving a concussion early in the fourth quarter of the biggest football game of the year.

Edelman was cleared to return to action by an independent neurologist, but critics of the NFL say Edelman had no business being on the field after he appeared woozy and disoriented on the sidelines after suffering a big hit.

Edelman responded to questions on his possible injury Monday afternoon.

“Hamburger,” the glassy eyed Edelman told several AP reporters. “Ripened hamburgers on the vine morning, noon and night. Monkey wrenches tidal plains.”

Edelman then drooled on himself for 45 seconds until a reporter snapped her fingers in his face, bringing him out of his daze. His stunted eyes focused on her for about a minute, before he stuffed a handful of his beard in his mouth.

“It was a big hit, I’ll give you that, but I’ve been in worst kite accidents before, and I’ll be there again, believe me,” Edelman droned on, as the reporters awkwardly glanced at each other. “Just point me in the direction of that pool and I’ll be there to take a dip.”

As the reporters moved away from the cross-eyed wide receiver, reports stated that he followed them around the Phoenix complex for several minutes, despite their quickened pace to separate themselves from the athlete.

“Guys, guys! Wait a second, I’ve got to tell you a big secret,” he said, stopping the reporters. He then proceeded to not speak for 10 minutes, his fractured brain desperately trying to make sense of the situation.

Luckily, the reporters were able to make their escape when a paper cup struck Edelman in the head and rendered him unconscious for 25 minutes.

Report: Kitten Bowl leads to severe health deficiencies of athletes

Kitten Bowl II participant Rex Meowyan. Following the game he was found with 25 tuna cans in his snuggle hut and has been banned for life.

Kitten Bowl – Following the success of Kitten Bowl II, several ex-feline football league athletes have come forward detailing the difficulties and health deficiencies they have suffered after they’ve hung up their claws and their frolicking days are over.

Tigger, a Russian Blue, said he no longer remembers the names of his kitten when he gets up in the morning. The 4-year-old cat appeared in Kitten Bowl I and believes the excessive frolicking and romping of the game has led him to this state.

“I’m not kitten around, this is a serious issue. Sure, it looks cute on television and my highlight play of chasing the electronic mouse into the end zone was replayed time and time again, but what you didn’t see was my inability to use the litter box on my own after the cameras turned off. I no longer get any joy out of chasing a laser pointer mindlessly around my home or swatting at a piece of string. My life is hell.”

A report submitted to the media shows that the majority of former kittens in the FFL suffer from excessive cuteness, brittle whisker syndrome and CTE (chronic tuna excitation).

Some aren’t as lucky as Tigger, as Kitten Bowl II participant Matt Furte overdosed on catnip immediately following the televised special. Teammates said Furte regularly self-medicated himself with the drug following each game, complaining of excessive furriness and shaking paws.

He was found wrapped in a red ball of yarn with catnip matted into his fur, according to sources.

“We need to address this issue immediately. Luckily after my appearance in the first Kitten Bowl, I was able to transfer to a regular life and dedicate myself to helping my fellow kittens do the same,” said Troy Purrcent, head of the kitten commission. “We need mandatory helmets, more heads up purring, and much less severe pouncing and stalking if we want the game to be safer.”

As of press time, Purrcent had vomited a hairball on his master’s bed.

BREAKING: Bobby Hoying appears at Wing Bowl 23 after being presumed dead

Philadelphia, PA – Missing since last Saturday evening, the night before the Pro Bowl, Bobby Hoying appeared this morning in a luxury suite at the 23rd WIP Wing Bowl. While still wearing the clothes he was seen pictured in last Saturday, Hoying appeared to be in high spirits, bumping several lines of cocaine off a Wingettes bare chest before turning his attention back to the festivities below.

“The last week was a blur, but when I found myself in a gutter in South Philly last night, I knew I had to at least get myself to the Wing Bowl,” Hoying said with two women on his lap. “Besides I bet a cool 10 G’s on that Schuyler chick down there, it’s a stone cold lock.”

Hoying cheered on his “hoss” as he called her, alternating between lines of cocaine and starting several “show us your tits!” chants to the numerous Wingettes in attendance.

For many, it was a welcome site, seeing Hoying after he was presumed dead following last week’s Pro Bowl. Hoying disappeared from his Arizona hotel the night before being scheduled to start the exhibition game, the first of his professional career.

“It’ll take a lot more than a mountain of pure Colombian raw and an emergency room visit to put good ol’ Bobby down, I’ll tell you that,” Hoying said.

However, after Schuyler failed to defend her Wing Bowl crown, losing to Patrick Bertoletti in a Wing Bowl record performance, Hoying abruptly finished the last of his eight ball and hastily left the suite.

“I’ll tell you what, there ain’t no way Big Tony is going to get that $10,000 from me. He’ll have to come at me with a white flag waving if he ever wants to see me again,” he said, as he left the arena.

Hoying was last seen walking in the direction of the Penthouse Club with a stack full of $1 bills.

Philadelphia dogs rejected from the Puppy Bowl

Animal Planet showcases the cutest puppies across America in the annual Puppy Bowl, a two-hour extravaganza repeated all day throughout Super Bowl Sunday. Puppies are brought in from animal shelters across the country to audition for the event and hopefully be picked to appear on television. All of the puppies are typically adopted at the end of the event.

The CT has received a top-secret list of dogs who were rejected from appearing in this year’s Puppy Bowl. We scoured the entire list and found several dogs from the Philadelphia area who didn’t make the cut.

Rum Tum Tugger, seen frolicking in a meadow.

Rum Tum Tugger (Center City, Bichon Frise) – Passed the auditions with flying colors, but tore all four ACLs when romping with another puppy during the finals. Went to live the rest of his days out on a farm far, far away in the country, with plenty of space for running and jumping and frolicking. No, no, I’m sorry, we can’t go visit him Timmy, he is far too happy in his new life to ever be seen again.

Rolf, who heard the name Lipstein in the distance.

Rolf (King of Prussia, German Shepherd) – Was immediately disqualified when he would not stop barking at the Jewish dog in attendance.

the Dog, Adam.

Adam the Dog (Northern Liberties, Yellow lab) – Was set to appear in the Puppy Bowl, but disqualified after his urine sample was determined to be tainted with PCP.

Pretentious Fifi, probably thinking about some new craft dog food or band “you’ve never heard of.”

Fifi (Germantown, Poodle) – Ultimately determined to be too much of a hipster for the puppy bowl.

russian-blue-cat-best-hq-wallpapers-free-download-animal-cat-images

Marbles being terrible, because he’s a cat.

Marbles (North Philadelphia, Russia Blue) – Disqualified for being a stupid cat.

Eyewitnesses: Big Shot waiting outside WFC to kick someone’s ass

Big Shot, at the Spectrum in the early 90s. Was known mainly for scaring little children.

Wells Fargo Center – Puzzled Flyers fans are reporting that former Philadelphia 76ers mascot Big Shot has been seen walking around the Wells Fargo Center, trying to gain entry into the arena.

Big Shot has not been the mascot of the 76ers since the early 90s and hasn’t been seen in the area for over 20 years. Apparently, he’s outside of the WFC looking to kick someone’s ass.

The 76ers are not scheduled to play tonight. The Flyers are taking on the Winnipeg Jets at 7 p.m. at the WFC.

“I don’t know what he’s doing, or why he was here tonight, but I brought my son up to see him and he rebuffed us pretty good,” a shaken Tony Carchelleti told the CT. “He pushed my son down to the ground and continued to try and charge into the arena at each exit, only to be stopped by security each time.”

The usually jovial mascot was seen stomping up and down the WFC outdoors concourse, making obscene gestures to the building and remaining silent at all times.

At one point, an anonymous emailer said they saw Big Shot brandish a knife to someone inside the building, making exaggerated slashing motions to his throat.

“I don’t know what he’s doing here, but he is pissed off at something. What is going through that bastards purple head?” said Edward Cucholochio, head of security at the WFC. “All I know is if he gets in here I might have to order my guys to give him a bit of a wood shampoo with their billy clubs, if you know what I mean.”

The CT will update this story as soon as more information is available.

Freddie Mitchell to Marshawn Lynch: Have some respect

Parts Unknown – Freddie Mitchell, former Eagles wide receiver, emailed a press release to thousands of media outlets across the country, urging Marshawn Lynch to open his mouth, speak to the media and stop disrespecting the game of football.

The email, sent from FredEx69@aol.com, has yet to be responded too by any national media outlet on the email chain.

“Man, he’s a chump. Whatever happened to respect for the game of football and for your fellow athletes? This kid just doesn’t have it,” Mitchell said in the release.

Mitchell, who has taken every public speaking opportunity since 2005 to bash former Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, decried Lynch and his “disrespectful attitude to the NFL, and to any children who may be watching the media event.”

Mitchell, who once demanded a booth to himself during the 2004 Super Bowl media day, thanked his own hands after hauling in the famous “fourth and 26” pass from McNabb , held out from Training Camp in 2005 despite having accomplished nothing of importance the year before, and claimed he was blackballed from the NFL by both Andy Reid and McNabb, said Lynch needs to “straighten up, fly right, and be much less immature.”

Mitchell, who was given a 37-month prison sentence for conspiring to file a false tax claim with the federal government in 2012, who was arrested in 2009 due to an outstanding warrant for failure to pay child support, and who was investigated in 2009 by the federal government after a 7-pound bag of marijuana was delivered to a restaurant he owned, said Lynch should “look to me as a shining example of how an athlete should act.”

As of press time, Mitchell was being investigated by the FBI for his apparent involvement in Don Tollefson’s ticket scam.

Wing Bowl 23 favorites and long shots

The very subtle Wing Bowl 23 logo.

The most morbidly obese eating challenge in Philadelphia is nearly upon us, as Wing Bowl 23 is set to kick off at the Wells Fargo Center on Friday, Jan. 30. Originally developed by 94 WIP Morning Show’s Angelo Cataldi as a way to fight the stereotype of Philadelphia being a city filled with only gluttonous, boorish, drunken blue collar slobs, the Wing Bowl opens its doors each year for thousands of gluttonous, boorish, drunken blue collar slobs to get shit faced at 4 a.m.

If there’s anything this city likes more than drinking and watching fat guys eat as many chicken wings as they can in 30 minutes, it’s gambling on fat guys eating as many chicken wings as they can in 30 minutes. The CT has released a list of odds on the favorites in the competition, as well as a few long shots who just may take home first place in the competition.

As it has been in the past, first place for the Wing Bowl is an all expense paid trip to Jefferson Hospital for an emergency stent procedure.

The Favorites:

• Bill Simmons (aka El Wingador) – 2:1 to win – A former Wing Bowl champion, Simmons has agreed to come out of retirement for one last shot at glory. Simmons ran afoul of the law several years ago for a drug possession charge, but has assured Wing Bowl representatives he will only be selling cocaine prior to and after the competition. He will, though, be high on cocaine the entire day, but that’s just common sense.

• George “The Dumpster” Hammerstein – 6:1 to win – Hammerstein was recently diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, which shows his dedication. May miss the competition, unfortunately, if he can’t have his foot amputation surgery rescheduled.

• You – 10:1 – Come on man, what are you a pussy? Just jump down there and run through the crowd. If you can get by the security and get up on the podium, I’m sure Angelo would let you join, he would like have to! Don’t be a loser, just try it! Holy shit, he’s doing it Sully, he’s doing it! Oh god his wife is going to be so pissed.

The Long Shots:

• Mick Foley (aka Mankind, aka Dude Love, aka Cactus Jack) – 30:1 – Former professional wrestler Mick Foley signed up for the competition several weeks ago (no, it’s really true). The Hardcore legend is rumored to have a bottomless stomach, but has shown an unwillingness to show up to events if his barbed wire wrapped baseball bat is not allowed through security. Will have to focus on eating wings and resist urges to smash folding chairs across other competitors’ backs if he wishes to have success.

• Ryan Howard – 40:1 to win – Current Philadelphia Phillies first baseman signed on for the competition in lieu of preparing for spring training. When asked why he thought he had a chance to win, Howard proclaimed “Philadelphia fans have been calling me a fat piece of crap all year, so I’ll fit right in here.”

• A sense of dignity for anyone involved in this shit show – 1,000:1 – Don’t waste your time.

Giroux barely keeping straight face while discussing Rinaldo suspension

Zac Rinaldo, moments before probably being suspended.

Philadelphia, PA – Claude Giroux valiantly tried to suppress several giggles at a press conference yesterday to discuss the eight-game suspension of teammate Zac Rinaldo.

“Yeah, it’s umm…umm….it’s going to be really tough….oh god guys give me a few seconds here,” Giroux said, trying not to break down in fits of laughter as he tried to form a coherent response. “Woo….just have to get through this. Why are we even talking about this? I mean, how are we EVER going to get by without Zac? I mean, 4 points and a -7 in 36 games this season, yeah, who is going to be able to put up those numbers.”

Giroux audibly chortled several times during his address to the press, his face turning beet red during several moments as he tried to stop from laughing.

Giroux finally couldn’t contain himself and laughed for three-minutes straight after Sam Charchidi asked him if any of the younger players on the team would be able to fill Rinaldo’s shoes for eight games.

“I think Frank Bialowas could strap on skates at this point and at least hover around a -7, and I heard he couldn’t even skate backwards,” Giroux said, punctuating his response by flipping off Charchidi for 25 uninterrupted seconds.

The last time Giroux had such a difficult time getting through a press conference was when Randy Miller asked him if he thought Dan Carcillo was the “heart and soul” of the 2009 roster.

Bobby Hoying no shows Pro Bowl, last seen Saturday night

Phoenix, AZ – Bobby Hoying, a former Eagles quarterback who was surprisingly selected to the 2015 Pro Bowl, did not show up to the event Sunday evening and has yet to be found.

NFL associates wished to keep the news quiet until after the Super Bowl, but reports leaked out this evening that Hoying has not been seen since a Saturday evening “beer bash” the former quarterback had hosted at his self-described “penthouse suite” in a downtown Phoenix Motel 6.

Hoying passed out flyers to his fellow Pro Bowl athletes at Friday afternoon’s final practice. The event was listed as BYOBAP, or as Hoying had to tell several confused teammates, “Bring Your Own Beer And Pussy.”

Jimmy Graham, tight end for the New Orleans Saints, showed up at the party around 9 p.m. and left after five minutes. Graham said he was greeted by an obviously intoxicated Hoying, who immediately handed him a large Ziploc bag of white powder and told him to “be cool and get rid of this uncut booger sugar. There may be some Colombians coming here later that need to powwow with me about that, and I plan on not having it on me, you got it Jimmy G?”

Graham dropped the bag and immediately left after Hoying spotted a “sweet little redhead” and suggested the two of them have some fun with her, “Eiffel tower style, if you know what I mean.”

“Did you ever see that movie ‘Caligula’ back in the late 70s? I guess it was kind of like that, except with way more Busch Lite,” Graham said.

An anonymous Instagram account from a user listed only as “SweetAss69” published several photos of the party. A photo published at 9:09 p.m. showed Hoying in the background hunched over a sink vomiting profusely. A second photo was published at 9:45 p.m. which showed Hoying naked, riding a bicycle through the hotel room to the delight of partygoers. A third photo published at 10:01 p.m. showed a passed out Hoying hunched against the wall, a sombrero covering his head as he was clutching a bottle of Famous Grouse to his chest.

Hoying supposedly disappeared later that evening and has not been seen since. Local police officials are warning residents to not approach Hoying if he is spotted, as he is most likely armed and dangerous.

The Coggin Toboggan

The finest Philadelphia sports blog spewed from the mind of an alcoholic