Philadelphia

In which we try to get invited to Lesean McCoy’s apparent sex party

Lesean McCoy made headlines yesterday when an invitation for his around the clock sex party hit the internet. The former Eagles running back clearly made it known he would only approve women over the age of 21 to the party and no males.

We decided to see if we could get an exclusive invitation to his female only sex romp and created a fictional “woman” who would try to gain access. Thus, SallyBoneZone69 was born.

McCoy obviously runs a tight sex party ship, so after we sent an initial RSVP request we received an automated form asking “Sally” to send over a picture to confirm her gender. We replied with a picture, and immediately received a request for a G-Chat session from the screen name “LMcCoy25BB,” which was obviously McCoy. We accepted, and the following is our conversation with McCoy.

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Chase Utley gearing up for one last depressing run

Philadelphia, PA – Yesterday, early visitors to Citizen’s Bank Park were not alone, as Chase Utley’s bat cracked through the stadium as he took part in an extra batting session several hours before the Phillies afternoon game was scheduled to begin.

It’s a testament to Utley’s spirit, who is working hard to ensure he gets healthy just in time to completely tarnish his legacy in the final stretch of the season.

“That’s the plan. Hopefully I’ll make some minor league rehab appearances next week and be back with the club in two weeks. From then on, I plan to languish away on the bench behind the more effective younger second baseman, making fans depressed at how my career is ending,” Utley said. “It should be great.”

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What’s the deal with Joel Embiid and Harper Lee?!

Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice.

What’s the deal with Joel Embiid and his gimpy foot? One day you’re riding a Phunkee Duck through the city of Philadelphia, and the next day you’re sitting out for the rest of the year because you rebroke your foot! He’s broken his foot more times than Wayne Knight has had to refill his diabetes medication! I hated anyone who had a pony!

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REPORT: Joel Embiid getting fitted for peg leg

Philadelphia, PA – Reports coming out of the 76ers front office this morning are showing Joel Embiid suffered another injury to his oft-injured right foot.

While the medical information is differing, there were numerous reports this morning Embiid’s leg had been amputated beneath the knee sometime in the past month and was being fitted for a peg leg this afternoon.

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Phillies release Cole Hamels into the wild

He’s free now, free and happy.

Philadelphia, PA – Unable to finally make a trade to send Phillies ace Cole Hamels to another team, Ruben Amaro made the heartbreaking decision to release the veteran pitcher into the wild and allow him to be free and happy.

Amaro drove Hamels to Fairmount Park after his second straight poor start on Sunday afternoon and opened the door to his Toyota Tercel, telling Hamels to leave and never come back.

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Josh Innes thrilled he no longer has to wear pants to work

Josh Innes reminding himself he no longer has to wear pants into the office. (Photo credit: Philly.com)

Philadelphia, PA – Following the decision yesterday of co-host Tony Bruno stepping down from the 94 WIP afternoon drive show he had worked on for several months, remaining host Josh Innes expressed his regret that the venerable and experienced Bruno had decided to retire from the sports talk radio format.

However, Innes did see one positive in the situation, as he ceremoniously unbuttoned his strained jeans and threw them into the garbage the second he was in the WIP studio.

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Philadelphia absolutely buzzing about the draft

Philadelphia, PA – Philadelphia is frenetic today as all minds are on the draft. Little work is likely being done, as employees everywhere are keeping their eyes on their bosses as they surf the internet to gobble up as much information as they can on the local sports scene.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, it’s the most EXCITING day of the year.

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Newest 76er Jahlil Okafor trashes greenroom after draft interview

Brooklyn, NY – Smiling for the cameras and an interview with ESPN, newest 76er Jahlil Okafor vehemently denied reports his agent asked Philadelphia to not draft the Duke center, as he did not want to be part of a rebuilding process with the organization.

“No, no that’s absolutely false. I am thrilled to be with the Philadelphia 76ers and I cannot wait to begin my career with such a storied franchise. I am beyond happy to get on the court next year and help this team become the best it can be. Will you excuse me for just a minute?” Okafor said, abruptly ending his draft interview with an ESPN draft reporter.

The smiling Okafor calmly walked into a greenroom and closed the door, after which several observers said they heard loud crashes and a number of highly offensive expletives coming from the staging area.

“Whyyyyy, whyyyyyyyy, WHYYYYYYYYYYY! FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!” Okafor was heard screaming from the room.

After several minutes of yelling, smashing, and what sounded like quiet sobbing, the still smiling Okafor exited the greenroom and said he just needed a few minutes to reflect on the momentous night.

Free-agent Phillippe Aumont vows revenge against Phillies organization

(above) Some loser.

Philadelphia, PA – The last piece to the Cliff Lee trade has been released from the Phillies organization, as relief pitcher Phillippe Aumont did not accept an assignment to the minors and has become a free agent.

Aumont represented the last piece of the Cliff Lee in 2009. The reliever was none to pleased to be released and let Manager Ryne Sandberg know it yesterday when he stormed into the skipper’s office.

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76ers 2015 draft preview

Tomorrow night is a pivotal moment for the future of the 76ers. Holding the 3rd overall pick in the 2015 draft, GM Sam Hinkie has several big decisions to make which will impact the direction the franchise goes in for the next 5 years.

Will the 76ers stay at the 3rd pick? Will they trade up to acquire coveted point guard D’Angelo Russell, or will they trade down to accrue even more picks in a heavy draft?

Whatever the decision, The Coggin Toboggan has taken a look at some of the intangibles of the potential players whom may fall to the 76ers.

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